Welcome back to Boomb Tube, where we cover all the week’s Cape Cartoons! This week, Avengers Assemble returns to fill the void left by Ultimate Spider-Man. It does not end well.
On Avengers Assemble Iron Man and Captain America start the episode fighting Crossbones and Grim Reaper who are noted by Tony as only teaming together to make a sort of pirate team. This’ll be a good episode. Crossbones and Reaper are captured by The Avengers and so Steve and Tony disguise themselves as the kidnapped villains and infiltrate Red Skull’s Cabal, bringing along an empty Iron Man suit as an excuse to get in. They are the absolute worst at the espionage job, as they’re constantly asking Red Skull for private information (“What’s your energy source?” being the most painfully blatant) and getting into fights with everyone else in The Cabal. MODOK, who’s in the Super-Adaptoid’s body and not a floating head because the writers completely missed the point, discovers that the Iron Man suit is empty. Not only is it empty, but Tony left a picture of him mooning whoever finds said picture. I don’t know what’s more incredible, the fact that Iron Man and Cap did not have a failsafe plan for MODOK opening the suit or Steve having to take pictures of Tony flashing off his ass. Yeah. I think we know which scene sounds better.
Or at least it would if their banter was as dry and sexless as my marriage. Steve Rogers throws puns all the time while Tony whine about how useless he is without his armor. I agree, since everyone on this show is useless at best. Back at Avengers Tower, everyone’s worried about where Steve and Tony went so Hawkeye dresses as Cap for no reason and interrogates Grim Reaper and Longshot. Who were brought in by Steve and Tony and had already told them where The Cabal was. They’re about to Hulkboard these guys for the second time in 24 hours because Steve and Tony couldn’t be bothered to tell anyone where they were going. Like I said, completely useless.
Eventually, Tony and Steve face off with The Cabal which consists of two intriguing villains who are stripped of any meaning and Attuma. Red Skull, in an Iron Man suit, takes Attuma’s Aquaman spear thing and declares that The Cabal now holds control over the ocean. Steve punches Tony in the face as a reminder to The Cabal that they all plan to betray each other which leads to the destruction of their base and the other Avengers swooping in to save Tony and Steve, even though they really should have been waiting around since this all started. Aboard the ship, Tony and Steve agree that it’s great how they can get along and Hawkeye asks when they’re gonna hug. I’d make a joke about that last line, but it’d make me as lazy as these writers.
Final Verdict: 3.3 – Boring.
Meanwhile on Hulk and the Agents of SMASH, The Hulks fly their way to some desert canyon where Blastaar, from a couple episodes ago, is standing around being a villain. They immediately fight him, as their contract stipulates them to, and all of the Hulks besides Vanilla-Flavored Hulk get infected with some disease and kidnapped into the Negative Zone. Hulk immediately rushes to the Baxter Building, home of the Fantastic Four, asks for “Stretch” but gets The Thing instead. I don’t know what’s more believable, the fact that Hulk actually used the name “Stretch” or the fact I’m still watching this awful show. Hulk and Thing go to the Negative Zone where The Leader has taken over having enslaved Annihilus and apparently having gained power since being defeated on a mini-golf course a while ago.
Leader reveals his astoundingly stupid master plan: he’s been behind the chaos of every other episode that did not involve him. He demonstrates this by playing a clip from an early episode set in the Savage Land. A-Bomb asks out loud “Where’d those dinosaurs get those lasers?!” which prompts The Leader to pause the video and smirk while going “Yes, I wonder who!” Then he describes his plan which is to “Cause chaos in the world so people will accept me as their Leader.” God you’re so stupid, Leader. Did you even get an origin or any type of purpose here? The writers for this show were so desperate for an actual archenemy for the Hulk that you were picked out of desperation; like the sad girl sitting alone at prom, wearing nothing but some dirty jeans, a cat sweater, and her vulnerability.
Continued belowAnyway, The Leader morphs with Annihilus off-screen because who cares. Leader condemns Hulk, saying that he plans to expose him for the monster he truly is which is weird considering how Hulk has been the single most boring character on a show starring Seth Green not being allowed to cuss. Hulk goes into a rage for probably the first time ever and beats up The Leader until The Thing stops Hulk from killing him, unfortunately. Then they rescue the Hulk’s friends with some stupid serum and the day is saved while everyone stands around talking about friendship. I can genuinely feel this show sucking away my lifeforce
Final Verdict: 2.9 – Skip, I think we reached the point where we went from mediocre to spectacularly bad.
Teen Titans Go! was once again this week’s saving grace as the gang hung out at the Bat-Cave while Robin tried to prevent them from wrecking the place. Raven hung out with Bats, Cyborg played with the giant robot, and Beast Boy did his usual mischief making, but the best moment came when Starfire came out in a Batgirl costume and gave Robin one of the greatest reaction faces in animation history. From there, the gang goes out to fight HIVE where Batman’s Ultimate Batarang is accidently used and revealed to be a fireworks display for evening picnics between Batman and Commissioner Gordon. I’m not even making that up. This is a scene. I love Teen Titans Go! After defeating HIVE, The Titans go back to the Batcave where Robin faces his fear of Batman for a second, gives in, and blames the mess on The Joker.
Final Verdict: 8.6 – I just wish this show was longer. It’s a great reprieve from the awful cartoons Marvel’s producing.
