Welcome to Boomb Tube, our weekly recap of superhero cartoons! This week, both Hulk and The Agents of SMASH and Avengers Assemble focus on the Jade Giant. Hijinks ensue.
Avengers Assemble kicks off this week with Hawkeye making a big sandwich and talking about how glad he is to eat that sandwich because one of the writers was murdered and replaced with Dagwood. From there, the rest of The Avengers discover The Hulk who was found wandering around Manhattan with amnesia while abnormal weather threatens to destroy the town.
While questioning The Hulk as to what exactly happened, The Thing comes in and punches Banner in the face. New viewers don’t need to worry about being caught off guard by this new character, as Captain America helpfully introduces him with a deadpan “The Thing.” Apparently, The Hulk and Thing were enjoying their weekly bowling session until The Hulk accused Thing of cheating and jumped out of the alley, blowing up its gas main in the profit. In all honesty that sounds like a great way to skip bowling with your cousin in Grand Theft Auto IV. #2008joke.
After leaving The Thing to cry over the remains of the exploded bowling alley that people probably died in, The Avengers find Drake Bell Spider-Man slinging hot dogs at a cart. Apparently, Hulk was feeling down so Spidey took him to get some water dogs, resulting in Hulk eating every hot dog in Midtown. Every hot dog. This causes Spider-Man to go into indentured servitude for New York’s cart vendors, who are apparently organized enough to accomplish this, and he’s left by the Avengers to live out his new life of debt. The Avengers are really bad at their job, guys.
Finally, the absolute weirdest damn choice for someone Hulk was seeing before his amnesia is Glorian. I’ve read comic books and Wikipedia pages about comic books and this is the first time I was just genuinely confused. Why? Why was a character like Glorian remembered? He’s such a lame character that it took me a half hour to remember that I had actually read a comic he was in. Hulk becomes so upset by how much of a nerd Glorian is that he throws up a parasite worm thing, which he proceeds to kill and re-devour. This prompts Tony to do some forenics on the bruises on Hulk’s face (which no one bothered to try before) and find that the indentations on Hulk were caused by Thor’s hammer, Mjolnir. Tony then casually remembers that Hulk and Thor were fighting by him earlier and he told them to go to the moon to fight it out. Why he couldn’t mention that to anyone fifteen minutes ago isn’t explained, everyone is just so used to levels of mediocrity like this that it hardly registers anymore.
Finally, on the moon, The Avengers find Thor who’s fighting a bigger version of the worm thing. Apparently, when the two had landed on the moon, Hulk and Thor encountered a worm thing and the ensuing fight was the cause of Earth’s weird weather. Outmatched, Thor sent the Hulk back to Earth for reinforcements by hitting him in the head with Mjlonir so hard that he was flung back to Earth with no memory of the fight on the moon. Nailed it.
The Avengers nonchalantly kill worm thing and return home where everyone ponders on what Hulk is like outside of Avengers tower. Here, Hulk looks through his collection of miniature crystal statues and recounts his adventures with Uatu the Watcher, Devil Dinosaur, and I think that Pegasus thing that gave Power Pack its powers.
Now maybe it’s just my desire to make use of my theatre degree but I think there’s a distinct reason for Hulk owning a collection of crystal dolls. Maybe Hulk didn’t go to the moon He went much further, for time is longest distance between two places… The city swept around Hulk like dead leaves… Hulk reach for a hot dog, he cross the street, he run into the movies or a bowling alley… Anything that will blow your candles out. For nowadays the world is lit by lightning. Blow out your candles Thor, and so goodbye.
Continued belowI think Multiversity Comics just made its first Glass Menagerie joke.
Final Verdict: 4.5 – A boring episode with a meaningless first fifteen minutes. And Glorian.
Over on Teen Titans Go! the male Titans are had a “brocation” which isn’t even close to a pun. Bad form, Titans, bad form. The three of them bro around in front of the female Titans for a while until leaving in the form of Cyborg’s “bro-train” form which is one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever witnessed. Afterwards, they get stuck in an elevator and must wait there, frustrated, before they can join Raven and Starfire in fighting Doctor Light. Light himself actually required every Titan to be present for his machine to work and so he offers to take Raven and Starfire out to dinner while they wait for the boys which is pretty innocuous to any kid watching, but anyone who read Identity Crisis is surely whispering “nope” to themselves in a heated tone.
Which proves unfounded as Doctor Light actually treats the ladies to a delightful meal, yet talks about his hidden dark side. Which turns out to be dessert! Ah what a lovely chap! He even offers to quit being a villain and become a Titan as all he wanted to do with his machine was create an extravagant light show. Well, with Light reformed it’s time for the Bro Titans to escape from the elevator, come in, beat the loving snot out of Light, kick him while he’s down, and ride The Bro Train around the beaten heap he once called a body.
This freaking show, you guys.
Final Verdict: 8.4 – Shallow as usual, but the ending is perfect.
Finally, Hulk and the Agents of SMASH focused on Red Hulk’s adversarial relationship with Devil Dinosaur. I know, that sounds awesome and it would be if it weren’t in a cartoon written by puritans. Here though, Red gets so upset with Devil Dinosaur burying him in the sand every morning that he goes out of his way to abandon him somewhere. He tries giving DD to the museum but they turn him down. Red tries selling DD to a petting zoo but it’s heavily implied that Devil ends up eating some of the animals and definitely at least one of the children. Eventually, Red just straight up throws Devil Dinosaur into a field, not knowing he’s in Latveria, the home of Victor Von Doom! Who immediately knocks Red out and kidnaps him.
Back at Vista Verde (ugh) The Hulk is interrogating The Leader who was captured at the end of the last episode. The Leader goes off on how he and The Hulk should combine forces, brain and brawn working together. When Hulk refuses, The Leader mocks him saying that no one will accept The Hulk as anything but a monster. This is really weird considering that The Leader is a genuine madman with a deformed head and Hulk’s just a muscular dude who’s been nothing but calm this entire series and was literally drinking coffee from a mug in the beginning of the episode, talking about how Red and Devil Dinosaur get along. In all honesty, if Leader had just called Hulk for being a total square I would’ve cheered.
Back in Latveria, Red Hulk wakes up strapped to a table while Doom is playing the organ. Imagine being the contractor who Doom had to instruct to install an organ near a hostage table. Oh that’d be hilarious until you were murdered for your insolence. Anyway, Doom plans to use a suit he built to absorb Red’s gamma radiation, without the aftereffects of turning into a monster. Again, dude should not be talking.
With the help of Devil, Red makes his way out of Latveria and together the two walk back home to Vista Verde. Literally walk. There’s a montage and everything. Upon arrival, Doom IMMEDIATELY attacks since he’s been waiting there for presumably weeks. The other Hulks fight back as Doom makes his way to the Gamma Reactor that Hulk keeps around for some reason?(!?!?!?) Doom fires his hentai hand tentacles at the machine until they’re disconnected by Skaar. Hulk then literally just punches Doom into orbit. Not much of a threat after all.
Continued belowThe episode then ends with Hulk’s usual testimonial, talking about how he’s glad Red and Devil are finally getting along.
Alright this is utter bullshit. Marvel, I know that you’re pumped everyone loved Hulk in Avengers. I was too. But if you’re going to make two separate shows that focus on your biggest properties then have some damn consistency. The Hulk in Avengers Assemble is an idiot who really doesn’t do anything and the Hulk in Agents of SMASH is my dad. I’m not saying you should stick to your movie, I’m just saying that if you have to you should really do a better job at it.
Final Verdict: 3.4 – Skip.
