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Boomb Tube: Valentine’s Day Massacre

By | February 18th, 2014
Posted in Columns | 2 Comments

Welcome back to Boomb Tube, Multiversity’s weekly column about Cape Cartoons! This week, Agents of Smash takes a break as Avengers Assemble returns and Teen Titans Go! teaches us that the power of love is a curious thing. Spoilers ahead!

How was your Valentine’s Day? Did you take the love of your life on a date? Did you sit home alone in a Slanket watching Once Upon A Time on Netflix while swirling your private parts about? No matter which of the two (2) options you did, I’m sure it was less crazy than Teen Titans Go!’s Valentine’s.

The Titans were randomly fighting HIVE for what feels like the fourth time in a row when Cyborg revealed a secret: he’s actually  in love with HIVE’s Jinx. This seems like a familiar plot though I can’t remember whether its from the original show or a graphic painting I saw on DeviantArt. Anyway, Robin forbids Cyborg from trying to date Jinx as she’s a member of a rival gang and already engaged to Paris! Cyborg ignores this and seduces Jinx by giving her some blueberry pie and openly admitting that he’s creepy. They then proceed to make out but because of Cyborg’s electronics(?) they explode. Then they make out and explode again in what is probably a really poignant metaphor for teenage love. Jinx and Cy agree to keep their love a secret which Jinx does by not saying anything and which Cyborg does by singing about it in front of Robin. Smooth.

Robin and Gizmo (the HIVE’s technician guy who looks like a chibi version of Aang) both forbid their respective teammates from seeing each other, with Gizmo guilt tripping Jinx in the most disturbing way possible.

Eventually Cy and Jinx break up, until they convince their own teams to change sides so everyone can work together. However, when the Titans and HIVE meet up, they find that they’ve just flipped sides and continue fighting, each person’s sacrifice rending the other void. It’s like that one Christmas story, The Gift of the Magi about that couple where the girl buys a platinum chain for her boyfriend’s watch and the boy sells himself into human trafficking. Eventually both sides just swap back and Cyborg and Jinx yell at each other for messing up all the romantic planning. They do however make up and agree to fight at a bank robbery next Tuesday before kissing each other and exploding all over again.

Then the credits roll. So we can probably assume they died.

Final Verdict: 6.8 – Second craziest Romeo and Juliet adaptation since Romeo and Juliet: Sealed with a Kiss (Look it up!)

As a belated Valentine’s miracle, Disney XD decided not to release another episode of catastrophic shitstorm Hulk and the Agents of SMASH after it peaked last week by recreating that furry scene from The Shining. Now we can return to Avengers Assemble which, aside from having an incredible episode about an alternate universe where Doom took over and The Punisher showed up out of nowhere, I had completely forgotten was a show.

The episode opens with MODOK hacking into The Avengers database by speaking at JARVIS until he gets his data. Despite his brag to Red Skull, that is decidedly not how you hack. They find archive footage of all the villains The Avengers have beaten so far which they use to run simulations on how to beat The Avengers, resulting in one with a 100% success rate which I honestly find a bit presumptuous, JARVIS. Red Skull announces his plans for The Cabal to actually work together as a team which is probably gonna go bad since the roster is literally insane. It’s Red Skull inside an Iron Man suit, MODOK, Freaking Attuma, Marvel Dracula with The Porn ‘Stache Replaced with Castlevania Cosplay, and a Super-Adaptoid also controlled by MODOK. This team has two MODOKs which automatically places them in the top tier of all-time comic book teams, or would if it wasn’t for Atumma and Lord of Shadows 2 over here.

They attack DC but get beaten handily by The Avengers who take Red Skull hostage. Hawkeye takes a picture of Red Skull being held down and says he’ll make it his new profile pic when any social media rookie can note it’d work much better as a cover photo. #EpicFail. Another #EpicFail occurs when Cap notices how it was too easy to capture Red Skull which everyone but Black Widow brushes off a second before Dracula breaks in and frees Red Skull. Also, isn’t it freaking crazy how Dracula’s not just a one-off character? It’s like how The Axman on American Horror Story: Coven lasted more than one episode but if he was also Dracula. The Cabal then proceeds to try and take over the Helicarrier but their different agendas get in their way. Attuma wants to crush Captain America but Dracula wants to suck off Steve (actual quote I’m putting way too much subtext into: “His superior blood is mine.”)

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Eventually The Cabal’s very vague plan of firing stuff into space and stealing the Tri-Carrier is defeated by The Avengers in a really listless fight scene. Seriously, Thor and Dracula fight on a spaceship and it’s somehow not the coolest thing in the world. Anyway, everyone realizes too late what The Cabal’s real plan was: to free one of The Avengers’ prisoners.

Yup. Iron Skull, MODOK,  Attuma, Dracula, Another MODOK, and now Hyperion. The rogue’s gallery on this show is freaking insane and that’s speaking as someone whose second favorite Batman cartoon has Professor Pyg and Anarky.

Final Verdict: 6.1 – Though not great, at least it’s not Agents of SMASH. 

 


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James Johnston

James Johnston is a grizzled post-millenial. Follow him on Twitter to challenge him to a fight.

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