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Secret Wars Service: “Secret Wars” #6 [Recap]

By | October 9th, 2015
Posted in Columns | % Comments

“Secret Wars” is back and so is Secret Wars Service. Join us as we recap the latest going ons in Marvel’s multiverse-ending extravaganza and try to remember what happened two months ago. Due to a combination of my own life’s schedule and sheer spite, I’m just going to recap this week’s issue of “Secret Wars.” Here’s a quick review if we need to keep up appearances as a real comic book site or whatever.

Review

Secret Wars #6
Written by Jonathan Hickman
Illustrated by Esad Ribic

It was okay.

Final Verdict: 5.0 – It was okay.

Recap

Alright let’s get into this.

Last time on “Secret Wars”: I don’t fucking know. The last time I reviewed an issue of “Secret Wars”, my life was completely different. I had a job, I lived in the continental United States, my girlfriend had yet to meet her hot new drug dealer. Things were completely different. And now “Secret Wars” expects to come into my life after leaving forever ago as if I’ll just accept it with open arms? You’re not my dad, “Secret Wars.” So let’s just make peace and start from the top of this issue. Where we at?

Hypothesis time: Jonathan Hickman spent so much time writing about how great Doctor Doom was that he forgot there were only four more issues of the series left. So in an effort to speed things along, all of the action had to quickly occur off screen. Like, all of it. Ultimate and 616 Reed Richards met for the first time but that had to happen offscreen. Captain Marvel joined Mr. Sinister’s kingdom/nightclub but that happened offscreen. Proxima Midnight and Corvus Glaive were beaten into comas and… yeah that should have happened offscreen. The best part is when Valeria is trying to explain the two to Dr. Doom and she straight up calls them “Corbis and His Proxy” which is a hundred percent what I would have called them if she hadn’t made that joke first. Unfortunately, she gets corrected by Black Swan who ditched everyone to work for Doom. I mean, she’s also been part of a cult that worshipped Doom for eons so not that surprising really.

Of course, Valeria’s suspicions regarding Doom’s role as a god are beginning to grow. Partly because the Future Foundation has discovered his potential source of power and partly because there are so many unanswered questions when it comes to how people really believe Doom created the world. Maybe they just knew all along. Did you know Doom didn’t actually create the world, Bentley?

There is not enough oxygen in the atmosphere to create the fire necessary to kill that thing.

Over in their science shack, both Reeds look over video footage they’ve acquired throughout Battleworld. Some footage shows Reed’s family chilling with Doom which creeps out 616 Reed and probably indulges one of Ultimate Reed’s weird fetishes. The other video shows THE PROPHET, a dude in a bone helmet who is apparently leading an uprising against Doom. That seems like a major plot development. Maybe one that could’ve been explored in a tie-in or something. Maybe there just wasn’t enough space between the “Armor Wars” and “Old Man Logan” minis. Honestly though, it’s probably going to be Peter Quill in a skull he just found on the road.

Over at Castle Doom, Peter Parker and Miles Morales run into Valeria who has completely checked out of the story at this point and just directs them to Molecule Man’s secret lair. Molecule Man, still starving, takes a three week old hamburger from Miles who just had that in his suit for three weeks. As dumb as that is, it does lead to this incredibly Seinfeldian exchange. Seriously, imagine Peter with Jerry’s voice and Miles with George’s.

I would have forgiven another year of delays if Owen Reece just blurted out “These molecules are making me thirsty!”, apropos of nothing. Where the hell’s that tie-in?

While Molecule Man begins to tell the Spider-Men what the deal is, Doom summons his cabal to address the growing problem of The Prophet, a dude that the combined forces of Apocalypse, Madelyne Pryor and The Maestro can’t tackle even though all he’s done thus far is

Continued below

1) Stand on a rock
2) Hold staff
C) Yell?

As dumb as I think The Prophet is, I hope Doom gives a promotion to that Thor applying a full-nelson to that werewolf. “NO, NO, I’VE GOT THIS. I CAN’T USE MJLONIR FOR EVERYTHING, OR ELSE THE HAMMER JUST STARTS LOOKING LAME! YOU’VE GOT EVERYONE ELSE TAKEN OUT, ALREADY? OKAY, GIVE ME TWENTY MORE MINUTES!”

Over at the late Dr. Strange’s estate, Namor and Black Panther find a message left by Stephen as well as an Infinity Gauntlet. The Gauntlet, by the way, is so shocking that it causes Black Panther’s costume to just stop working.

Either this is meant to be a Tex Avery situation where T’Challa’s eyes are bursting through his head or the Gauntlet his darkened his pupils to the point where they are bleeding through his suit’s white lens. Holy crap. I hope this is the costume for the movie.

Meanwhile at bedtime, Susan tells her son Franklin the story of the Fantastic Four as it’s believed to have occurred before Doom reconstructed the universe into Battleworld. The team consisted of Sue, Johnny, Ben Grimm and DAD STORM before the latter three either died or were teleported to some unknown location. Thankfully, Thanos figured out one of those locations when he went to visit The Shield, that barrier protecting Battleworld from the zombies and that has nothing to do with Game of Thrones. Thanos didn’t go to The Shield to recruit some zombies like we thought he would. No. Instead, The Shield is actually The Thing whose rocky form makes up the entirety of the hundreds-of-miles long border. After being told by Thanos how Doom manipulated everyone, Ben breaks free and goes to kill Doom, conveniently leaving a huge gap in the Shield for all the zombies and Ultrons to crawl through.

And on that day, humanity received a Grimm reminder.

We’ll see you in 2016.


//TAGS | Secret Wars Service

James Johnston

James Johnston is a grizzled post-millenial. Follow him on Twitter to challenge him to a fight.

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