Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance, but I figure that you could figure that out.
I’m going to get this over with quickly, because reading our first comic was probably the worst five minutes of my life: the first issue of “Before Watchmen: Rorschach” opened with a mysterious figure carving creepy poetry into a murdered woman’s corpse. Gotta prove that the kid gloves are off with this mini, guys! From there we cut to a view of the city skyline, complete with the Rorschach’s journal narrative captions from original “Watchmen” — if Rorschach’s journaly was written by a thirteen year-old. Okay, okay, this is a recap, not a review. Anyway, our boy Walt Kovacs was busy investigating some local heroin dealers, and after beating up some junkie in the private viewing room of a pornographic video store — all while swearing up a storm as Rorschach is known to do — the misunderstood vigilante soon found out where to find the main supplier of the drugs. I say misunderstood because there are tons of thirteen year-olds who think “Rorschach is right!” but hey, we all had stupid ideas when we were thirteen. Of course, this being the first issue of a four-issue min, Rorschach didn’t succeed in finding and besting the supplier; sure, the finding came easy enough, but even after pulling out a shotgun — yes, really! — Kovacs had the tar beaten out of him and was left to stew in his anger. Oh, and something about the flesh-carver from before being a serial killer named “The Bard.” Say it with me everyone:
Yawn.
When he isn’t writing terrible comics that are considered in poor taste by a large portion of professional comics creators, Brian Azzarello actually writes a damn good Wonder Woman. The first arc of the New 52 “Wonder Woman” came to its booming conclusion in issue #12, as the Olympian family — at least, the major players we’ve seen so far — came together to decide who would sit on Zeus’s abdicated throne. Of course, the decision was made through blows, but you already guessed that. While Diana tussled with Artemis and Hermes brawled with Apollo, Hera took Zola to the edge of Mount Olympus and tossed her off — poor choice of words, there. Diana broke from her opponent in a dash to save Zola, and in an effort to aid her, Hermes pulled a feather from his foot and threw it at her like a dart, allowing her to fly. Why didn’t they ever think to use this hitherto hidden ability earlier, I ask you?
With one opponent out of the way, Apollo went to claim his throne. Jumping the gun a bit, Hera rejoiced when the mountain seemed to shudder in apprehension, thinking this meant her husband would be returning to reclaim his rightful place from his usurping son, but it was just a sign of switching from the old to the new. You’d think after being around for a few thousand years, Hera would at least wait a bit to make sure before celebrating. Apollo was not without mercy, though, and chose to exile Hera rather than kill her. Her loss — she missed out on the sweet girl fight between Diana and Artemis. In one of Azzarello’s less offensive references to matters past, we learned that, like in the golden age comics, Wonder Woman’s bracers actually suppressed her power, and with them removed, she was able to beat the snot out of her godly opponent. It wasn’t enough, though; Diana was smart enough to not challenge the deified Apollo, and instead called a truce. So long as he wouldn’t come after Zola’s baby, she wouldn’t come after him. Seems fair. Of course, when Diana caught up with the escaped, post-birth Zola, the baby had been stolen — but by Hermes, not Apollo. Never trust someone with talons instead of feet, I always say. Sure, it has never been applicable into now, but don’t you feel silly for never saying it?
Continued belowProbably not.
The final arc of “The Shade,” prior to its one-issue finale, also reached its close in issue #11, in which we first learned that the bloody crime-fighting business we saw our titular character busy with in issue #9 was actually him creating a pentagram a la the Inquisitor from the arc before, just in case he happened to need a massive surge of power. Considering the Egyptian gods of last issue had been accidentally unleashed by the cult that had attempted to control them, this seemed very good planning indeed. Lucky him!
Double lucky, that is, because violence was not even necessary. Using his new Dreaming-augmented powers, The Shade removed himself and the god-things from Earth; however, while he intended to transport them into the Dreaming, he instead found that they were somewhere else — somewhere blank, and free from innocents who would be harmed, but somewhere foreign. After going through your standard painful communing with higher intelligences, The Shade learned that they had originally been sent by their kind to chronicle life in Earth’s corner of the universe, and instead became involved as “gods” after their portal home broke. The distressed beings, though, so hated their time on Earth that they were willing to face execution on their return home — something that the Shade certainly didn’t mind, either — and so the four linked minds and somehow sent each other home. After killing his descendent who started all of this mess off-panel, our favorite gentleman of the dark left us with this tantalizing remark.
Yes, perhaps, considering that’s why I read the first eleven issues of this comic.
This week in Avengers versusing X-Men, we have three entries: the main title hits #10 and brings with it the third Infinite comic as well as “Avengers” #29, in which Bendis explains that thing you didn’t think needed explaining but apparently had to be explained anyway. Let’s start with that.
In “Avengers” #29, the X-Men decide that they need to take out the psychics the X-Men have to help in the battle against the Phoenix Five. This is based on a military technique developed by Nick Fury, whose battle plans have proven so well (like that time he launched a preemptive strike on a nation and caused an international incident). The team decides that Rachel Summers is their best option to take down out of the options of Emma Frost and Rachel Summers, and Wolverine goes off to a bar in the middle of nowhere to lure out the X-Men and Namor.
Now: A few months ago, you may remember “Wolverine and the X-Men” #12, in which a bunch of the Avengers and a bunch of the X-Men fight after Hope absconds with the Avengers to get away from the crazy Phoenix Five. The issue focuses on Rachel Summers and attempts to add a little bit of emotion to the overall war going on as Rachel has to decide what to do when confronting Hope. This issue revisits that sequence, but with a twist that ends up in a minor continuity error, albeit one that intrinsically doesn’t matter. Why? Because it’s a throw away tie-in!
So, outside of the various battles only mildly syncing up (you’d guess that Bendis and Aaron exchanged notes of who punches who), the big change comes with the epic revelation that Hope was actually Xavier in disguise all along. Apparently she was never there, and the entire thing was a ruse to take down Rachel. Of course, during the battle, Xavier has a change of heart as he witnesses the chaos around him and changes his mind, wiping the minds of everyone who was at the battle and leaving. This is of course in direct contrast with “Wolverine and the X-Men” #12 in which Rachel Summers has a change of heart and chooses to let Hope get away, no longer trusting implicitly in the wise rule of Cyclops the Great. It was a nice moment that showed the cracks in the wall, and now it apparently never happened.
Well, ok, it’s either that, or Xavier decided to be a hypocrite and plant false memories in everyone about what really happened, which in and of itself doesn’t seem to line up with what happens in “AvX” #10 and seems to point towards Xavier’s death being imminent (as he mentions that his dream is “all but dead”).
Continued below
Either way, there is no resolution to the end of either story, because in “WatX” #12 everyone apparently just walks away and in “Avengers” #29 everyone falls asleep. A bit meta on the inevitable fan reaction to it all, no?
Ok, so we’ve had the appetizer. We’ve whet our appetite for Avengers fighting X-Men. Now it’s time for the main course: “Avengers X-Men” #10, and the end of Act 2.
As this issue opens, Cyclops has invaded K’un Lun in his wonderful Phoenix Banana Hammock. The Avengers try to get away from Hope by distracting him with Iron Fist (Cyclops blasts him), Iron Man (Cyclops smashes him), Hawkeye, Thing and Thor (Cyclops blasts them and steals Thing’s line) before Hope rides in on the back of a dragon. That’s right: the way to defeat an omnipotent power-crazed mutant god is with a dragon. After all, Bendis’ “New Avengers” tie-in was about how the Iron Fist could supposedly beat the Phoenix, right? All that build up, and here you go! The only problem is: the fight’s over in two seconds because it’s a newborn dragon, and was therefore no challenge. Oops.
Seriously. One blast. That’s all it took for this epic build-up of a scene.
However, Hope accidentally absorbs/imitates some of the power of the dragon and is confused about it (despite it being her mutant power) and, in a feat of strength, manages to steal some power from Wanda Maximoff as well, whose Chaos Magic no longer works against Cyclops. Fortunately for us, Hope + Dragon + Witch Powers = the strength to teleport punch Cyclops onto the surface of the moon. Damn, girl. Cyclops wakes up at the feet of the Watcher and decides he needs to go beat up Emma and steal her power for his own, because his power is not enough.
But what’s Emma been up to this entire issue?
Oh. Right. Just enslaving her own people. That’s normal. Magneto attempts to call her out on her behavior, but as he isn’t wearing his helmet she manages to screw with his brain and remind him, oh yeah, that’s why he made the helmet. As revenge, he mentally calls out to Xavier for help, who just said he was too upset to be part of any of this anymore in “Avengers” #29. Poor Chuck. No one gets a break in this book.
There’s also an “AvX Infinite” digital download that comes along with the issue, in which Tony Stark and Beast develop a hat that allows them to access Wanda Maxmioff’s brain, reveals her most intimate secrets and then try and exploit her chaos magic powers to reveal who can defeat the Phoenix Duo now. What they learn is that no matter which one of their power players they send, they’ll inevitably lose. Defeated, they resound to crushing disappointment until Hope pops her head in the room and allows Mark Waid to make an oh-so-clever line based on her arrival.
That’s just too easy. Come on, Mark. What is this, Hope Springs? (…heh.)
This Week’s Contributors were:
Walt – “Before Watchmen: Rorschach” #1, “Wonder Woman” #12, “The Shade” #11
Matt – “Avengers vs X-Men” #10, “Avengers” #29
Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, we’ll give you credit.
