In honor of The Sentry’s VERY likely demise in today’s Siege #4, I wanted to update an article I wrote last year for MC. Well…honor may be the incorrect word here. Celebration may be more proper, as this article is all about why exactly The Sentry is the worst character in comics. Believe me when I say my case is air tight. I mean come on, obviously Bendis agrees given the fact he’s going to off the Golden Guardian of Suck (TM David Harper/Multiversity Comics).
Click through the jump to see me unleash the power of one million AND ONE exploding suns all over The Sentry’s ass.
1. The Sentry’s Origin = drug addict
Nerdy kid accidentally gets bitten by a radioactive spider, is given the relative strength and speed of a spider as well as a number of other gifts. Meek young man who wants to save his country volunteers for an experimental procedure that could kill him or turn the tide of the war, goes for it anyways, becomes America’s one and only super soldier. Junkie looking for a fix, breaks into lab and drinks a serum hoping it’s meth, instead gains the power of one million exploding suns.
Which of those three doesn’t fit so well? Which one would you find maybe a bit concerning when everyone is playing origin story?
2. He’s so over-powered he has to be written out of every event
First part written well before Siege: While the Sentry is seemingly a constant early on in every mega-event that Marvel puts on, he never seems to appear very much in the middle and end of events. There is a pretty good reason why that is, and that’s because he’s so freaking overpowered that there isn’t a lot any writer can do with him.
I mean come on, his first real appearance in a regular continuity Marvel book was in the first arc of New Avengers, in which his first big action scene was flying Carnage up to space and then tearing him in half. Yes…as in Carnage from Spider-Man comics. As in the one that tortured Spidey endlessly and was a legitimate heavy in Marvel comics. The Sentry dealt with him as I would deal with a fly, or as Spider-Man would deal with Paste Pot Pete (minus the killing on the last part).
For an example of The Sentry being completely useless when it comes to events, may I guide you to Secret Invasion or Silent War. In Secret Invasion, Bendis (who is seemingly the only person at Marvel who likes to use the guy) effectively writes him out of the book, sending him deep into space after a Skrull transforms into his alter-ego/nemesis the Void. Poor widdle Sentry, getting scared of the big bad shape shifting alien. No less, the Sentry lasts exactly two issues into Marvel’s biggest event before getting completely written out. Nice.
Update: Or he’s so over-powered he has to be turned into the villain, like he was in Siege. Oops. Your bad Robert Reynolds!
3. If he isn’t, he’s effectively a mobile deus ex machine (update: or the bad guy)
First part written well before Siege: Let’s say you do want to use the guy in the event. What are you going to do to make him not end it immediately? I mean the guy has the power of one million exploding suns…that sounds pretty powerful. Kind of sounds like someone who can come out of nowhere and pretty much wrap up a story in a snap.
Well, according to Greg Pak’s World War Hulk, you use the Sentry’s agoraphobia (seriously…more on that later) and his fear of his own power as an excuse for the first four issues, and then you send him in when you paint yourself into a corner, pretty much make him seem crazy and Earth-threatening, and then have the Hulk defeat him to turn him into the hero of the story.
Continued belowSo essentially the only event he was used in, he was saved until the very end so he could reverse the fortune of the primary character and wrap up the story nice and tidy like. Sounds like deus ex machina personified to me.
Update: In Siege, we’re given event option C for The Sentry, and that’s to turn him into the ultimate bad guy. Sure, Norman Osborn was the bad guy on the surface, but with us sitting on the precipice of the final issue all we’re left with is a weird, yoga pose version of The Sentry who is apparently pure evil (and thinks he is Galactus). This guy is so bad, even Loki takes a look at him and pulls a Gob Bluth in Siege. “I’ve made a huge mistake” indeed, Loki.
4. His main personality traits are crazy and…crazier
First part written well before Siege: Back to the agoraphobia thing. So let me get this straight…the Sentry is the most powerful character in Marvel Comics right? From what I understand, it’s not even close. But because they want to make sure he isn’t a walking game-changer (like he was in WWH), they saddle him with intense agoraphobia and schizophrenia, and not just any schizophrenia, but the type where it manifests itself in the form of your own arch-nemesis.
So the Sentry is the world’s greatest superhero but also is afraid of public places and is quite literally his own worst enemy.
Priceless. Completely priceless.
Update: Apparently agoraphobia and schizophrenia were but the tip of the iceberg. Apparently The Void isn’t just a pretty bad alter-ego, but a monumentally awful persona that is terrible on a galactic scale. To describe The Void as crazy is like describing Rob Liefeld bad at drawing feet…some words just don’t do the situation justice.
5. The only characters he has a good relationship with are Norman Osborn and Black Bolt
First part written well before Siege: If you were an overpowered superhero with severe mental problems, who would you likely associate yourself with? Unless your answer is the mute ruler of the Inhumans and the sociopathic leader of America’s military forces who occasionally wears a goblin mask to get his kicks, then you are mistaken.
Seriously, could you imagine these three hanging out for football Sunday? Sitting around the TV watching the Vikings/Packers, with one of them never speaking, one of them acting very sullen because he’s worried he may switch to his other identity and murder the other two, and the other one contemplating how he can most easily murder the other two. Let’s just say if there was a draft of Marvel characters that you would want to hang out with, these three would be part of the last five picks, along with the Watcher and Fin Fang Foom.
Not only that, but as a sub-point, the Sentry is ridiculously easy to manipulate. Because the Sentry is overpowered and because Norman Osborn is power hungry and bat shit crazy, ol’ Normie moves the Sentry around his chess board like the good little pawn he is. “It’s no big deal if you murder a bunch of Atlanteans Robert! They would die without water anyways.” Oh Normie…you’re such a hoot.
Update: At a certain point during Siege, and by a certain point I mean all of it, everyone is afraid of him. Even Norman Osborn is like “great guys, look what you did. I was protecting you from that guy!” If Black Bolt was alive and kicking and on Earth during this, he probably would have said “this guy is fucking nuts” even if it would have destroyed the Eastern Seaboard. His BFF’s are not down with him any more. The good news is, his yoga death pose is fairly likely to draw The Watcher’s eye, so maybe football sunday is still a go for Bob.
6. FINISH HIM!
Waiter: Here’s your change, sir.
The Sentry: I should have $13 in change.
Lindy: Oh god, let it go Bob.
Waiter: There’s a mandatory 15% tip.
The Sentry: Mandatory WHAT?!
Lindy: Oh dear god.
The Void: Do you know what the power of a million exploding suns feels like?!
(The Void/Sentry/Robert Reynolds gets up and rips the waiter in half)
Tell me this doesn’t seem entirely feasible. I dare you. If The Sentry was a character in Mortal Kombat, he would only have one fatality: ripping the opposing fighter in half.
Let’s see some versatility, Sunboy.
7. VJJJWOMMMVVVVVVB
In the history of lame comic book sound effects, there is one that has absolutely no parallel. At one point during World War Hulk, The Sentry hammerfists The Hulk in the chest and the sound that is made is VJJJWOMMMVVVVVVB.
Say that sound. Go ahead. You know you want to. Pronounce it…with your mouth.
Has anything in the history of anything ever made that sound? Ever? The Sentry: so lame he causes unbelievably ridiculous 16 letter sound effects.
8. Worst husband ever?
Hank Pym probably would look at The Sentry and think “damn, that guy needs to go into some marriage counseling.” Or rather, he would have if The Sentry’s alter-ego didn’t make a deal with Osborn to have Bullseye to kill his wife.
So when he’s not negotiating for her death, he scares the living crap out of her by resurrecting himself after she blows his head off, then makes it impossible for her to commit suicide, and for good measure, toys with her and confesses to being Galactus (“I was joking hun, you know I love to kid around and pretend to be a guy who eats planets! I thought you’d a little role playing would spice up our sex life!”).
Sometimes it is hard to tell what exactly The Sentry is worst at, but I’m fairly certain you could make a strong case that he sucks at being a husband the most. The good news is he’s quite the looker, so Lindy has (had) that going for her. Too bad for her Barney Stinson’s hot/crazy scale approaches new heights when it comes to her spouse.
9. Somehow makes yoga seem lame and nefarious simultaneously
When we’re given our big final moment of Siege #3 where the true evil of The Sentry is revealed, instead of some standard badassery we’re given a weird version of The Void/Sentry doing the Sukhasana pose with a bunch of tentacles coming out of him.
I mean come on Bob, is your big move really to go up to the sky and start doing evil versions of yoga poses? “Check it out guys, you haven’t seen down dog until you’ve seen it with 8 tentacles and a bunch of glowy stuff coming out of me.” If I were the assembled Avengers, I’d probably have to take a few minutes to figure out what exactly he’s doing. “Is he resting? Should we bother him while he’s focusing his chi? Should we come back later? What’s with the glowing? It doesn’t glow when I’m in sit pose.” That of course would all come from Spider-Man, whose skill at being quippy is only matched by his analysis of Vinyasa flow.
Regardless, even in his big moment of foreboding, The Sentry fails. Why am I not surprised?
10. I’ve met Superman, and you sir are no Superman
First part written well before Siege: Last but not least, we have Gil’s favorite point. I’m pretty sure I’ve read this character before. His name was Superman. The only differences between the Sentry and Superman is that Supes doesn’t look like a hippie, is not insane, and actually can participate in events without having to be used as a complete deus ex machina. It’s crazy! Well, not Sentry crazy, but crazy no less.
Update: Oh yeah, and when Superman is bad he at least has Kryptonite or magic to blame. What does The Sentry have to blame? Meth addiction? Poor decision making? Trust issues?
Ultimately, The Sentry has a lot of really legitimate reasons as to why he sucks. He’s a tool, he IS a tool, he has no personality, he’s a bad husband, his origin is terrible, he ruins yoga for Spider-Man, he fails at sound effect, he keeps ripping people in half at dinner parties, and you can’t take him anywhere for fear of him having a panic attack and destroying Manhattan.
For these reasons, he must die. For these reasons, he will die.
Join me in celebrating the death of the Golden Guardian of Suck.
