Welcome back to Boomb Tube, Multiversity’s weekly column detailing the current Cape Cartoons scene. This week, The Avengers encounter a promo for the smash-hit summer blockbuster of 2014, Guardians of the Galaxy! Spoilers ahead!
Avengers Assembles starts off with the team (of course referring to the guys and Black Widow who’s never given the spotlight she deserves) flying back to New York only to find that Galactus came back to consume the Earth with a giant machine that Iron Man calls “his munchotron”. I get that the idea of Galactus literally eating the Earth like a mallomar is ridiculous but reducing Galactus to a fancy chair that Iron Man makes fun isn’t much more threatening. Especially since Iron Man’s the type of jerk who immediately disregards Captain America’s tactical plan to take out Galactus in favor of flying in front of the guy and getting vaporized. Seriously, Avengers Assemble Iron Man is THE WORST.
Unfortunately, he’s not gone for long as he’s only been teleported away with Galactus because we can’t just cap this episode off with an In Memoriam segment. Apparently Tony entered some form of “chatroom” with him? That’s literally what the rest of the Avengers say happen. I sincerely have no idea what that means but hopefully Tony can get down to finding out what Galactus’s A/S/L is. The Avengers go off into space to find Iron Man and Galactus before they’re attacked by the Guardians of the Galaxy who everyone recognizes and loves because they’ve got a movie coming out and the kids watching at home need to be taught to love these guys before August. Both teams shrug their shoulders and decide to work together before they’re all attacked AGAIN by a Herald of Galactus who turns out to be Tony, who seems to have agreed to become a Herald and destroy this world in exchange for Galactus sparing Earth.
What a dick.
The Avengers insist that Tony’s actually a really cool guy who’d never commit genocide which is arguable. The Guardians proceed to try and take down Iron Herald (look, if Red Skull can call himself Iron Skull just because he’s wearing some armor ensures that this isn’t the stupidest nickname) while The Avengers fight to save their friend who jumped in front of an ancient devourer or worlds, immediately got vaporized, and then agreed to destroy an inhabited planet. Why do we keep him around.
In what is the most half-hearted plot twist, it turns out that Tony’s actually working to save the planet. It was going to explode any day and bringing Galactus to the planet encouraged its citizens to escape. I have about eight questions about this “plan” and nine of them are expletives. Did Tony find out that some planet was going to explode, killing countless lives, and then wait for Galactus to show up before doing anything about it? And his plan wasn’t “save the planet” it was “kick them off by destroying it myself so they’ll run away” (and I’d be shocked if there weren’t a couple million stragglers left anyway.) Sure, Star-Lord (who is infuriatingly not Chris Pratt) looks at a computer and confirms that they’ll find some planet to live on but I doubt that was anything more than an after-thought on Stark’s part. I’d call him the show’s biggest liar but considering that the episode had “Spaceknights” in the title and instead of ROM we got a look at the Guardians of the Galaxy and attempted genocide. I don’t even know if that episode was bad. It was just bewildering.
Final Verdict: 6.7 – Guardians of the Galaxy blasts off into theaters August 1st!