Welcome to the holiday edition of Boomb Tube! Yes, Christmas was yesterday but last time I checked it’s supposed to last twelve days and really, isn’t it everyday that an obese man breaks into your house? It is for me. Someone please get me a home security system next Christmas. Anyway, this week we’re going to take a look at one of the most revered holiday specials of all time: X-Men: The Animated Series’s “Have Yourself a Morlock Little Christmas”
Right off the bat we’re in trouble considering that that the title is the biggest stretch since Skin (I’m still not over Generation X). The only similarity between “Morlock” and “Merry” is that they both start with an M. Was someone in such a rush that they couldn’t think of something slightly better? “Cyclops the Red-Eyed Reindeer”? “Walking in a Winter Wundagore?” Sure, “A Very Morlock Christmas” describes the episode pretty well, but wouldn’t “Jingle Bell Morlock” suffice just as well? Perhaps the latter was too intense because this is one of the most boring X-Men stories I have ever watched.
Some X-Men stories may be badly written, but at least they have explosions. “A Very Morlock X-mas” however? Well, it starts out like any other Christmas special: everyone is getting excited for the holiday except for one Scrooge (Wolverine) who needs to be cheered up by the one kid who still believes in Christmas. After Cyclops sings the absolute worst rendition of “Deck The Halls” (“Deck the Cannonball”?) Logan walks out due to his lack of yuletide spirit. Professor X and Storm decide that, in order to perk up his holiday cheer, Logan should accompany Jubilee and Storm to Manhattan for some last minute holiday shopping. Meanwhile, Gambit and Jean have a debate about how Cajun the Christmas turkey should be.
Seriously. That’s the entire B-plot. Back in New York, Logan is having a sour time. Jubilee tries to tell him to lighten up and have some fun when, somehow, Logan is able to smell sirens from far away. There’s no faint sirens or anything. He just straight up smells vibrations. Storm’s deduction powers are severely lacking in comparison as when they hear an ambulance siren she declares “It is an ambulance!” Top notch work there. The ambulance is about to crash into the Rockefeller Center ice rink, but Storm is able to pick it up and gently land it on the ice. Out come the Morlocks, those hideous mutant outcasts who even the X-Men refuse to let into the Mansion. Leech is sick so the Morlocks tried to steal some medicine to save him. Normally I would make a joke about how they should have just asked the X-Men for help, but their behavior upon seeing the Morlocks again is basically “Ew! Gross!” Not really doing to help that whole “feared and hated” situation are they?
Jubilee, Storm, and Wolverine go to the Morlock sewers to help out Leech. There, Storm, technical leader of the Morlock sewer gang through previous shenanigans even though she has the most ridiculously regal accent, demands Wolverine to assist Leech in field medicine. He assists with the greatest and most dismissive “Yeah whaddya want?” after looking at the Morlocks’ Christmas tree which they presumably stole from Charlie Brown’s dumpster. Storm prepares to bring Leech to the Mansion but Wolverine informs everyone that Leech just isn’t going to make it for much longer. Meanwhile, Jubilee befriends a young Morlock with the power of kawaii anime eyes so they can act as the Greek choir of people who believe in Christmas miracles. “Leech can’t die! Not on Christmas Eve! I mean we let him and his friends live in a sewer but he CAN’T DIE ON CHRISTMAS EVE!”
Everyone decides that Wolverine’s blood could probably save Leech’s life which might work since Wolverine mentions having done it twice before. Logan goes ahead since he has nothing else planned for the night and Jubilee asks Kawaii-Girl if she really believes in miracles. Meanwhile, uh-oh looks lahke Gambit put summa his ol’ cajun spice in da Christmas ham ta give it a lil KICK! Jean almost kills him but Professor X reminds everyone that a child is dying.Beast, with Rogue, heads to the Morlock tunnels. Kawaii-Girl and Storm teach Jubilee that some people don’t have nice things on Christmas and get on, not through gifts, but through each others’ love. Jubilee does not once consider asking Professor X or anyone else to let the Morlocks live at the mansion. Beast finally shows up to put his stethoscope on Leech, confirm that he’s not dead, and then quote some obscure intellectual stuff. Really needed him there to save the day. Yep. Storm grabs Callisto’s staff of power, declares her power as the Morlocks’ leader and, just when you think there’ll finally be a fight, gives the staff back to Callisto. Everyone finally sits down for a Christmas dinner and everyone lives happily ever after. Except for the Morlocks who will never ever be invited to live in The Mansion because Professor X is a dirt bag.Continued below
Gambit then acts really Cajun about the dinner he spent days preparing that will now have to be used as leftovers. “MAH OYSTERLOAF!”
Conclusion: This episode was like what would happen if, in third grade, my classmates and I had to collaboratively write a Christmas play and my only input was “Throw some X-men in it!” Except for the sub-plot about Gambit’s cooking. Only true madness could sit down and write about Gambit’s love of soul food.
Review Score: 3/10.
This episode, along with the entirety of X-Men: The Animated Series can be found on Marvel.com
Wait a minute… “Morlock Little X-Mas”…. “X-Mas”…. you win this round, Marvel.