• Columns 

    Boomb Tube: Inhuman Teen Beach Party

    By | June 24th, 2014
    Posted in Columns | 3 Comments

    Welcome back to Boomb Tube, Multiversity’s weekly column detailing the current Cape Cartoons scene. This week, we get a double dose of  Hulk and the Agents of SMASH with a surprise appearance from a character literally no one could ever care about. Let’s move.

    Spoilers ahead!

    In our first episode, “Inhuman Nature”, A-Bomb and Skaar are hanging out at the beach like a couple of teens, trying to get some good street cred by catching some gnarly waves. A fight with a shark which isn’t nearly as interesting as it sounds leads to everyone on the beach running away from A-Bomb who then mournfully stands alone on the beach. I think this is supposed to be a sad moment but I just laughed really hard.

    Speaking of rough transitions, Crystal the Inhuman Princess shows up out of nowhere in full costume and talks to A-Bomb, which leads to his eyes going heart-shaped and then, I kid you not, taking the form of a hot dog sliding into a bun. If you stepped in something sticky while you were walking outside today, it’s because the vomit caused from this moment has covered the entire Earth.

    Triton, in a far-too-late effort to stop this before it goes too far, dives out of the water and takes Crystal and A-Bomb away with the assistance of Lockjaw because we are going straight into this Inhuman nonsense. Gotta get that #BrandAwareness up before the 2017 movie. The Agents decide to find them because we have twenty minutes to kill, and back on the Inhuman’s ship, Crystal tells the other Inhumans that Maximus is wrong about how the humans would Hate and Fear™ them should the Inhumans reveal themselves. Medusa says something but it’s rendered invalid by the fact that her hair is wild; like, her split ends are not sitting down for a second. It’s a good thing Black Bolt doesn’t care about style because if he saw Medusa’s hair he would be screaming. 

    Meanwhile, the Agents break into the Inhuman compound where Skaar rightfully fawns over adorable puppy Lockjaw. Maximus, in a far-too-late effort to stop this relationship before it goes to far and to “protect” Attilan (which is pronounced like that? Fine, ok) has Gorgon (who has hooves?!) and Karnak, who looks like Spider Jerusalem after two Muay Thai classes, attack the Agents. Before any real damage can be had, Crystal convinces Black Bolt to let the Agents go as they mean no harm. Maximus then convinces Black Bolt to gas them since they’ll just come back with an army or something. If you told Black Bolt “gullible” was written on the ceiling, he would look up while simultaneously carrying out your evil agenda. Really, just an awful leader.

    The Agents break out and eventually convince the other Inhumans that “oh hey, that guy named Maximus the Mad” isn’t entirely cool. Maximus responds by saying that he needs to protect the Inhumans because humanity would only destroy them out of fear if they knew about their existence. Hulk then proceeds to have a heart-to-heart with Medusa where they share the feels. Maximus doesn’t though, and as a result gets beaten up by everyone. Just as they’re about ready to accept their place in the world, Maximus then activates a shield to keep the Inhumans inside Attilan. And then the shield is gone. Apparently Tennis was the only pasttime in Attilan if this back and forth is any indication.

    Will this lead to Crystal visiting A-Bomb and pursuing some sort of relationship? Maybe. I just sort of put my hands over my eyes and scream whenever the two of them were on screen together.

    Final Verdict: 4.8 – An episode.

    In our second episode, “Hunted”, Hulk is upset because he hasn’t had time to do the laundry what with Abomination and the Skrulls running around. He even says “You won’t like me when I’m cranky.” You were wondering where that second layer of vomit came from? There you go.

    The Agents proceed to spend a couple minutes just being generally annoying, preventing Hulk from his nap, especially A-Bomb who has a toy that makes fart sounds and “was banned in 22 countries for being too annoying.” Wish the same could be said for this show.

    Continued below

    -Rimshot-

    As a last resort, Hulk gets in his jet so he can set it on autopilot around the world and nap then, because jet gasoline is obviously cheaper than a pair of earplugs. That option would’ve probably been more effective anyway as Hulk is immediately shot down over Monster Island, home to captured monsters that rampage around cities and whose copyrights aren’t owned by Warner Bros. There, Hulk fights off some monsters and saves some monster babies who look like straight up abominations. Imagine if Dragon Man from Fantastic Four was a tiny smiling baby. You would shoot it too right? Hell, you would set them on fire, especially during the scenes where they have gas problems, get burped by Papa Hulk and peel off each other’s skin. Could anything be grosser?

    Fine.

    Akron, Ohio here is “The Hunter” out to kill those little dragon babies. Stupid name/radical aesthetic aside, I completely agree with him. Also, I hope they never reveal what his deal is. He’s perf as is. Anyway, he eventually cages the dragon babies and, realizing they’re sort of the worst kind of prey, also takes Hulk with him.

    I should mention at this point that the Agents of SMASH are still at their base, fighting over cricket-sound machines and peanuts or something. I… I genuinely can’t follow where that’s going.

    Back on Akron’s ship, Akron announces that he’ll make the dragons his hunting beasts and act as their father which makes the Hulk furious. Like, more furious than he’s ever been in this series. Those little baby dragons mean so much to him. Akron then proceeds to whoop his ass and throw him into a cage, claiming that he’ll now focus on a new quarry, “heroes, you call them?” Also held captive by Akron is the dragon’s mother who reunites with her kids while Hulk gives a speech about how those kids might be trouble but “they’re family. And you gotta look after them!” And thus, the third layer of vomit covering the Earth is explained. After that loving speech, Hulk breaks out of Akron’s laser cage but punching through one of the three walls that isn’t made of laser. I’m… I’m dumbfounded, honestly. So is Akron who gets beaten up by the Hulk who then returns home to find that the cricket noise that had been driving the Agents crazy all episode was actually the homing beacon he sent so someone could rescue him from a place actually named Monster Island.

    I really hate to say “Worst Thing Ever” but The Agents of SMASH as a team are just… they’re just terrible.

    Final Verdict: 3.4 – Just a kind of boring episode filled with inexplicable things that should’ve been awesome but weren’t (looking at you, Arkon).


    //TAGS | Boomb Tube

    James Johnston

    James Johnston is a grizzled post-millenial. Follow him on Twitter to challenge him to a fight.

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