One year. It’s a long time. Babies can be made in one year, or so I’ve heard. It was one year ago that I started this “Boomb Tube” column and for all of those who’ve been reading it this whole time I have this to say: “Why?”
Now that the sentimental bit is over, let’s take the glorious coincidence of Boomb Tube’s anniversary occurring on a week with literally no shows airing and talk about the show that got us all started on this sordid mess.
Yes we’re going to be talking about the first episode of the 1967 Spider-Man. Now before we start, there are certain things you should know about this show. First, Spider-Man sounds an incredibly mature adult; easily forty years old. He still tries to act like the snarky hero we’re used to, but when all the one-liners are breathed out by a bored man who sounds like he’s wearing a business suit and a fifth of scotch, well, Drake Bell is no longer the worst Spider-Man voice actor. Second, since this was a cartoon in the sixties, violence was hardly allowed. That means that every confrontation consists of Spider-Man sitting around while a villain waits for the force of entropy to make him fall over. It’s incredible. What’s also incredible is the use Spider-Man’s powers. Since Spidey’s not swinging around and punching crooks, he just uses the webs to solve peaceful problems. This is also incredible. As seen here in the audience’s introduction to Spider-Man, where Peter Parker is just driving around the mountains because his boss told him to. Boulders appear, as they commonly do in nature, and cause Parker to drive off the road. Peter then puts on his mask (apparently he was wearing the bodysuit the whole time) and webs the car to safety.
This is the audience’s first impression of Spider-Man. Not as a hero using his powers to help people, but as a lunatic in a tight costume driving around the mountains because an older person told him to.
I genuinely love this show.
Anyway, Peter leaves his webbed up car and takes less than five steps before falling into a secret lab, as you are wont to do. There, Peter takes another two steps and gets caught in a net. The net’s owner reveals himself as Doctor Octopus declares “YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO USE A WEB!” That line is then immediately followed by a cut to the title card accompanied with some intense jazz. I wish every show had a cold open like that. Anyway, back at The Daily Bugle, Jameson is tiffed at Peter for not coming back from the mountains already and for also being a teenager. He then receives a letter from Doctor Octopus declaring that Ock is going to take over the city and so Jameson sends secretary Bettty Brant to the mountains to find Parker. While walking around, Betty is startled by the ONE police officer in this universe and she lets out the most genuine cry of horror a cartoon has ever had. When she’s done, she neglects to ask the ONE police officer to help and falls into Doc Ock’s lab herself. Falling into mad scientist labs were a huge past time in the sixties. It’s lack of representation is why I can’t stand to watch Mad Men. Another reminder this show was from the 60’s? Jameson does not have email, call waiting, but a large collection of phones he just kind of falls over when reports of Doctor Octopus’s plans come in.
Back at the lab, Doctor Octopus ties up Betty Brant on the outside of the cell because who cares. After, Octavius explains that he plans to boil the water of all New York City in an effort to inspire young Christopher Nolan watching at home. Spider-Man explains that an explosion caused by that would be worse than the atomic bomb. That phrase may be a little inconsequential nowadays but in 1967? Holy Too Soon, Spider-Man. After offending me, Spider-Man says he’ll use his web powers to hit the switch behind Doc Ock and then hits the switch directly within Octavius’s sightline. Octavius is too awesome to notice. Unfortunately, Spider-Man proves to be awesome as he does the absolute craziest things possible with his webs. First, he shoots ACTUAL RUBBER CEMENT into Ock’s face, blinding him. Then he frees Betty Brant from her handcuffs by making a key out of his webs. Sure he could’ve done that a while ago, but this is the 1960’s and when a madman handcuffed a woman you had to give him his half hour grace period. After handing Ock to the ONE police officer who was still wandering around the park, Spider-Man swings off, having saved, and utterly confused, the day.
Continued belowAside from the odd quirkiness this is pretty standard Spider-Man story right? Well good thing this is a two-part episode then, as Spider-Man now confronts ice monsters.
There is absolutely no warning for any of this. Peter is just walking on down to another older man’s house (Dr. Smarter because subtlety wasn’t invented until the 80’s) and finds that Dr. Smarter is being assaulted by a gigantic ice monster. The monster gets away and Spider-Man looks at the scientist who probably had something to do with the ice monster, swings away, and tries to pursue the monster on his own. Four minutes later, after Manhattan has been frozen to the extent that there is a gigantic glacier in the harbor, Spider-Man figures that the scientist dude probably had something to do with the monster. In a huge twist, it turns out that the professor really did have nothing to with the ice monster! Because the monster was an alien the whole time! FROM PLUTO! Why? “Because that’s the coldest planet in the galaxy.” Seems legit. The Plutonians agree as well as they burst into the same house twice and kidnap Professor Smarter. Maybe the Prof could have avoided being captured if he had brains… was intelligenter or something. Ah well.
Spider-Man then swings by the huge glacier in New York harbor where Professor Smarter is being held. There he reveals that the aliens aren’t evil! They’re just trying to get back home! Which is why they made Manhattan a hellish cold front. And kidnapped an old man. And shot ice spikes at Spider-Man that made an adorable “pew pew pew” noise. The leader floats down and reveals that yes the aliens did come from Pluto and no the professor was not brainwashed even though he had no time to figure out the alien’s plans due to being frozen during the kidnapping. Stop asking questions, help us launch our ice rocket back to Pluto!
And so they do. And the episode ends.
A lot changes in 46 years. Jokes about the atomic bomb are less accepted, Pluto is no longer a planet, and phones like the ones Jameson cradled are now used exclusively by old people to be used as an example of “SOMETHING THESE DAMN KIDS’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND!” Still, a lot can happen within even a year. I wrote this column and joined a wonderful community here at Multiversity Comics. I also had other stuff happen to me. Babies get made allegedly. I’d really like to thank everyone here at Multiversity Comics for putting up with me this whole time, and I look forward to another amazing year.
Regular coverage of Beast Boy screaming at burritos and Drake Bell confusing Spider-Man for Deadpool will resume shortly.
