Welcome back to Boomb Tube; where we discuss and review all your favorite Cape Cartoons! This week, Batman fights Cypher, The Hulk and the Agents of Smash think small, Teen Titans Go! loses its mind half a minute in, and Avengers Assemble cannot name villains. Let’s go!
Beware the Batman begins with introducing the new villain, Cypher, who has enough mind-altering tentacles to make any schoolgirl blush. Tentacle Man goes after Jason Burr, the scientist who created the MacGuffin Cortex and alters his mind as well, in the Wayne building but Katana arrives soon after for a date with him. It’s like that movie, Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? just with a mentally manipulative man in skintight clothes with tentacles. Same difference. Elsewhere, Gordon is investigating another victim of Cypher’s and has the following conversation with a cop who needs to leave so Gordon can meet Batman.
Gordon: Why don’t you go get yourself a donut?
Cop: Wife says I need to cut back.
Gordon: Then why don’t you get half a dozen?
Cop: Hey! You’re right! -walks off-
Fox better be taking notes for that Gotham show they’re working on.
Back at Burr’s apartment in the Wayne building, Burr is being super sweet to Katana by displaying her face on a nearby building and then making a patriarchal slip about being “the woman of the house.” Okay not exactly sweet but hey, he’s trying. Batman crashes the date through a window and Cypher jumps out of the vents, grabbing Burr with him. Katana, who actually did have some nice moments, starts to lose her cool which causes Bruce to go into overaggressive “KEEP YOUR EMOTIONS IN CHECK” mentor mode for a second before Katana gets mind-controlled too. At this point it should be noted, Cypher and the League of Shadows have to know that Bruce is Batman right? Katana debuted as his sidekick last week and has so much history with her, that it’d be weird for their one mercenary whose whole thing is knowing people’s minds to not know the guy hanging out with Katana all the time is Batman. Cypher escapes with Burr and Katana onto the subway and, as someone who has lived in a metropolitan city for a month, a man in a skintight suit with two people attached to him via cyber-tentacles would still not be the most disturbing thing I’ve seen happen on a subway train. Batman arrives, saves Burr and Katana but gets mindcontrolled himself, only to be saved when Katana does a generic “You know you’re in there” style speech.
After losing Batman, Cypher grabs Burr again. Katana states that she knows what Cypher’s weakness: Cypher feels any pain inflicted upon his prey. So Katana walks up to Jason and… kisses him? That’s enough to send a literal shockwave through Cypher’s system so Batman can beat the crap out of him? Did Katana use the power of love to override an alien machine? Did Steven Moffat write this episode? Anyway, Katana tells Batman how kissing Burr and stopping Cypher came from the heart, which is great for her since Burr wakes from his coma a few days later with green eyes. Is he now controlled by Cypher? Is he going to turn into Kobra? Should I not have researched Jason Burr on Wikipedia before finishing this show?
Review Score: 8.6 – Even though there were a few nonsensical moment, this was another fun episode in this block’s best TV show.
On Hulk and the Agents of SMASH, all the Hulks are celebrating A-Bombs birthday party with minigolf because this is literally the most stupidly boring show in existence. They’re even wearing dad style golf clothes. Agents of SMASH is somehow now the world’s least Hulk show. The Leader shows up because whatever and shrinks the Hulks down to miniature size since this show was written as a stream of consciousness exercise. Now the Hulks have to survive, shrunk, while avoiding The Leader who is literally just standing on the minigolf course. In all honesty, that is the stupidest fucking plot for an episode I have ever seen. The stakes in this episode consist of a minigolf course and Seth Green’s ruined birthday, this isn’t a TV show it’s an awful sitcom with lasers. Anyway, Skaar, who everyone reminds the audience is secertly working with The Leader, betrays him and saves the because of course he would and decides that Earth is his family now. The Agents of Smash celebrate by gorging on a chocolate birthday cake.
Continued belowThis isn’t even a show anymore. It’s a parody on level with the Adam West Batman. I joked before that Teen Titans Go! was a prank, but Hulk and the Agents of SMASH is a thought experiment to see if we can finally get me to stop watching cartoons altogether.
Final Verdict: 2.3 – Horrible, low-stakes, forgettable writing. I know it’s a kid show, but no one should hate a child enough to make them watch this.
The Titans fight Doctor Light with puns. Literally the first line in the episode is Robin ordering his teammates to shout puns at Dr. Light. Raven also has her personality split up into various color-coded personalities but really nothing will outshine those earlier moments. I think I just did a Light pun myself. Teen Titans Go! may be ruining me.
Review Score: 8.0 – I am done with this show in the best way possible.
Over on Avengers Assemble, The Avengers are investigating AIM and HYDRA activity in a Doctor Doomless Latveria. There, they discover that Doom has returned, with a retrofitted Destroyer armor decorated with the Pronea logo on the chest. Iron Man calls this new version the “Doomstroyer” and I really wish the writers did more than one draft of each episode’s scripts. Doomstroyer is more dangerous than normal as he’s willing to hurt his own Latverians. As Hawkeye says “we’re Doomed.” Like I said, rough draft material. Thankfully, Thor flies away and grabs Loki who manages to vanish Doomstroyer away with his terrible Hiddleston impression. The team splits up between those looking for Doom, controlling the armor by remote control, and those staying behind to fight the armor. Hulk has the actual best line in the episode here, “Defense?! Do I look like a Defender to you?!” Sometimes writing one draft of a script has its benefits. Back with the Doom retrieval team, Thor and Loki discover that Doom has actually corrupted the Midgard Serpent, who ate him last time on the show, in order to protect himself and has now conquered the Troll kingdom.
Okay, Avengers Assemble is pretty cool sometimes. After some fighting, Doom is defeated, and taken back to Latveria where he refuses to accept any help for reconstructing Latveria because he is a mad G. However, Loki took control of the Destroyer armor, to literally no one’s surprise except Thor. Instead of dealing with a two-parter or third act, Hulk and Iron Man just throw the Destroyer armor at the moon while half-assedly replicating scenes from the movies. Loki then tries to plead forgiveness from Thor who just says “lol dude you’re gonna get wrecked by some mad Trollage” and flies away with the stupidest smile on his face. I think this show unintentionally won me over.
Review Score: 6.4 – It’s really not that great, but Avengers Assemble is starting to have some genuinely enjoyable moments.
