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Boomb Tube: Teen Titans Times Two!

By | January 21st, 2014
Posted in Columns | % Comments

Welcome back to Boomb Tube, the column where we recap every Cape Cartoon on a weekly basis! We skipped last week since only one episode of Teen Titans Go! last night and the only people who’d read an entire column about the ten-minute cartoon, TTG! were arrested in the 90’s for being the Unbabomer. Here we go! (Spoilers ahead of course!)

Our first episode, “Nose Mouth” opens with Robin dreaming of beating up villains in an Axe Body spray commercial. Before he wakes up, Robin sleep fights his teammates which allows for the show’s developers to show they’re messing exclusively with me at this point by throwing in a sound effect from Deadly Premonition. Also, Robin beats Raven’s dream My Little Pony to death which, to be honest, is not the worst thing hormonal teen males have done to ponies in their dreams. After everyone complains that Robin’s keeping them up all night, Raven uses her dark magic to let everyone sleep peacefully by just summoning a monster to never let Robin sleep ever fucking again. This is celebrated with a dance number about how Raven’s dark magic doesn’t have consequences. Immediately afterwards, Cyborg interrupts Raven’s My Little Pony tea party which causes her to rip out his mouth. Foreshadowing’s a beautiful thing, non? Then after Beast Boy questions her, Raven turns him into a balloon like a deranged Godqueen and, just when this episode couldn’t get more messed up, Cyborg straight up learnss to talk through his nostrils. God’s dead and in order to avenge him, Cyborg and Starfire (whho was cursed with 80’s hair) trick her into thinking her MLP dolls are talking to her, saving the day.

Final Verdict: 6.5 – A climax ruined by someone bringing up My Little Pony for good reason? Now I know how my girlfriend feels!

Hulk and the Agents of SMASH opens with Seth Green’s A-Bomb continuing to prove himself as the living trash of Boomb Tube as he humble brags about getting tickets to the opening of The Colossus Casino in Vegas, a casino with a giant statue that probably won’t come to life and attack everyone. Everyone arrives in style, especially Skaar with a pimp cane. Unfortunately, the Colossus owners upsets the Agents of Smash by calling them monsters which in all honesty is a good description of people who go to Casino openings. The festivities are interrupted by Terrax who surprises the audience by showing that the creators of this show couldn’t get Silver Surfer for some reason. Also, Galactus is showing up. Also also, Terrax’s name is Terrax the Tamer which sounds less like a herald of planetary destruction and more like a laxative. The Agents proceed to fight Terrax except She-Hulk who’s told by Red’s casual sexism to stay away from fighting and do something feminine like evacuate the women and children.  The aforementioned fight is honestly kind of a blur to me, but I know that Seth Green says “Awww yeah,” crashes his plane, and then escapes while saying “A-Bomb’s away!” which, to be fair, is exactly how I’d live my life if I were a superhero named A-Bomb. Somehow, the Hulks defeat Terrax and celebrate by talking about how great they are as a team while Hulk questions if his bow tie is on right. Oh that brute! Will he ever make that suit work? Tim Gunn and the Agents of Runway will be back after these messages.

This show is like the fourth worst thing in my life.

And we’re back! Galactus shows up and reveals that he wants Hulk to become his new herald since, for a devourer of planets, Gally has no sense of taste. I mean, Hulk? Really? Like half of this show’s been about how Hulk eats nothing but fast food burgers which, looking at his size, is hardly something Galactus needs in his diet right now.Thankfully, Galactus has been feeling the subtext for this episode and, instead of Hulk,  makes She-Hulk his “Emerald Emissary” which is an actual name that was approved by multiple writers and producers before being spoken aloud by a human being in a sound booth. After the Excellent Enchilada declares that she can control this power, Hulk literally gives her a speech about how she can’t leave him, they’re family. More specifically, they’re cousins. I mean, I don’t know how other people are with their cousins but I thought one of my cousins was dead for ten years until last Thanksgiving when he showed up after disappearing in Mississippi and talked to me exclusively about his sword collection. True story. Point is, cousins generally don’t seem to be strong enough to break the wills of celestial devourers but it works here when She-Hulk literally tells Galactus “HE’S NO MONSTER! HE’S MY FAMILY!” Man, this show’s green room must be full of liquor. Also, a sign that forbids anyone from calling it the green room. Of course it’s always ignored by the scumfuck who wrote the line Hulk  says after getting crushed under and surviving despite Galactus’s prediction “Always bet on green!”

Continued below

There’s not even a green in roulette. Then again, it’s not like the writers know much about gambling with their by the numbers writing.

OHHHHHH!

I feel pretty confident leaving this review on that.
Final Verdict: 3.4 – OHHHHHHHHHH!

Well now that we’ve gotten through that mess, the next episode of Teen Titans Go! starts with a dance party Raven doesn’t want to partake in. Well if she don’t dance and if she don’t dance her friends can leave… her behind? Frick I messed up. Anyway her friends actively don’t leave her behind as they try to cheer up, by getting her to take off her cloak. And kids, while you’re all circled around reading a loser describe cartoons on the internet, let me just say that if you have a friend who is an introvert and does not want to dance, please refrain from trying to strip them. That is genuinely messed up, and a good chunk of the plot as Robin steals Raven’s robes while she’s in the shower. Everyone tries on the robe which brings out their dark side. That doesn’t need much help since they’re wearing their friends stolen clothes but whatever. Raven comes out in her non-cloak clothes and all the males turn into me circa seventh grade and gawk over Raven’s legs. This is, in all honesty, like the second count of sexual harassment to occur during the episode.

However, that all pays off when Raven finally gets down while Beast Boy gets… up… You know. Like with his penis. Even worse, The Titans begin to fight HIVE, Raven stares down Jinx and decides she doesn’t need to cast any spells… she has legs. She then proceeds to scissorkick Jinx which is like half of what I was expecting.  After realizing how great her legs are, Raven decides to leave the team and go on as Lady Legasus. So apparently women are solely defined by what they wear? cool. Cyborg is too as he’s been wearing the cloak which takes him over which causes him to attack the other Titans. Meanwhile Raven, presumably a minor, is out on having her legs photographed by paparazzi after signing autographs for an adoring fan and goes back to kick Cyborg out of the cloak. She puts it back on, for the greater good, but Beast Boy laments the loss of her legs like every tweeter in 2013 who completely missed the point with Angelina Jolie.

Final Verdict: 6.3 – Honestly I’m just impressed we had an episode that’s sure to enlighten one young child on the ways of Rule 34. I’ll be in my bunk.


//TAGS | Boomb Tube

James Johnston

James Johnston is a grizzled post-millenial. Follow him on Twitter to challenge him to a fight.

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