• Columns 

    Boomb Tube: Ultimate

    By | November 12th, 2013
    Posted in Columns | % Comments

    Welcome back to Boomb Tube, where we review and recap all of the Cape Cartoons currently on-air! This week, Ultimate Spider-Man reaches its “Ultimate” season finale and Hulk and the Agents of SMASH fight The Absorbing Man and Wrecking Crew.

    After the shattering revelation last week that Norman Osborn turned evil again due to being injected with The Goblin formula again, Spider-Man sets out to stop Osborn who has kidnapped Spidey’s team. He quickly finds them when Green Goblin brings up the Heli-Carrier that crashed from the Hudson River (whatever) that is already outfitted with everything he needs for his plan to turn Manhattan into an island of Goblins (even though he JUST turned evil again ten minutes ago.) The Heli-Carrier has also been named The Hell-Carrier in an evil scheme by Osborn to see if he could get me to yell “Oh for $!#$’s sake!” at a children’s show in public. It worked.

    After meeting up with Coulson and Curt Connors who has been Currently Cured, Spidey receives some Anti-Goblin serum and runs back to the Hell-Carrier where he fights his Goblinified friends by giving them speeches meant to inspire them and then injecting the serum into them. Each speech recalls a specific episode where Peter and one member of his team shared an adventure, but really this makes it feels less like an overall season arc leading to this moment and more of a checklist of characters Spider-Man definitely has a real relationship with. Anyway, Spider-Man does enough speeches about friendship that his team is cured enough to come together for one mega friendship speech again Osborn, who I failed to mention is wearing straight up Doctor Doom armor here. I get that the Ultimate Comics had Osborn as a literal goblin, but here it just makes him another generic monster dictator guy. Spider-Man and His Ultimate Friends’ speech goes well, especially when Osborn, upon realizing the kids have been cured, screams out “Impossible!” to which Iron Fist replies “is a word I no longer recognize!”

    God, this show is lame.

    Anyway, Osborn self-destructs the ship and claims that Spider-Man can’t save his friends and catch the Green Goblin at the same time! He does, webbing the Goblin Glider which throws Osborn into the Hudson River and the remaining vial of Goblin serum into season 3. Back at the… wow I forgot the Heli-Carrier was destroyed so I have no idea where SHIELD has its meetings anymore. Unless it’s another Heli-Carrier, this show is incredibly forgettable.  So back at somewhere, Spider-Man expects to get scathing criticism from Nick Fury, only to get an offer to work The Avengers. The ones from Avengers Assemble, in case you thought this show was going to get interesting any time soon. And with that, Ultimate Spider-Man concludes this season, and marks another show I don’t have to watch for this column. Go me.

    Final Verdict: 5.3 – A boring episode sprinkled with some unintentional camp that makes it bearable.

    Over on Teen Titans Go! Robin continues to be a Machiavellian terror. This week, due to an admitted inferiority complex he suffers from being the only non-powered member of the Teen Titans, he demands that everyone else give up their powers for 24 hours. Anyone who is able to meet this challenge will thus become the new leader of the Teen Titans. Everyone is able to succeed, because they’re not miserables bastards like Robin who proceeds to have a nervous breakdown and pretend that he’s been put in a death trap. Through this he plans to either A) make his teammates break the No-Powers rule or B) kill them. Robin’s kind of the worst, but in the best way possible. Cyborg reminds him of this when, upon Robin explaining his motivations, he gives the guy some much needed pep talk. Robin’s not just some loser, he’s the leader of the Teen Titans! Then the 24-hour timer goes off, Cyborg screams “Boom!” and everyone walks off having become the new co-leaders of the team. Now Robin has nothing. No powers, no position of leadership in the team. He is an empty man.

    This show is hilarious you guys.

    Final Verdict: 7.8 – A fun watch.

    Finally, Hulk and the Agents of SMASH continued to be pointless when they went to The Cube to stop a riot, literally the only thing to occur at The Cube, or any other Marvel correctional facility since 2005. Absorbing Man has broken out, along with The Wrecking Crew who have now appeared on four different shows I’ve written about here at “Boomb Tube“. Not only is this the most mentions of The Wrecking Crew on Multiversity, but on the entire internet. What a wretched existence I lead. Anyway, The Wrecking Crew are defeated and The Absorbing Man gets away. Before anyone can care, Hulk sets up Skaar, who’s been incredibly rebellious which is somehow a problem for a hulk, with Doc Samson. Doc, whose role as “scientist near Hulk” seems to encapsulate everything from biology to psychology to Finishing School Matriarch, attempts to teach Skaar about the finer things in life. This works as well as you’d expect and is truly quite scandalous! Oh my stars and garters!

    Continued below

    Absorbing Man shows up at the Hulks’ base because whatever and proceeds to fight them, because again whatever. Absorbing Man absorbs some radiation and becomes even bigger and scarier which leads to the Hulks’ hilarious array of weapons to have no effect. Evidently, they need Skaar and crash through the floor to the chamber where he’s getting his charm lessons. Unfortunately, Skaar has become a most dignified and proper gentleman, drinking tea and refusing to fight. This is the single best scene in the Agents of Smash as of yet, and probably for the entire Marvel Animated Universe. Seriously, the scene of him trailing along and sipping on Earl Grey is phenomenal. Eventually Skaar defeats Absorbing Man by throwing a piece of paper at him since this show cares as much as I do and then reverts to his savage self. Doc Samson stands, eyes wide in shock, and begins to break down and half-cry half-laugh maniacally as he runs away from the Hulks. That is also how I finish every episode.

    Final Verdict: 6.3 – A pretty terrible episode, but Fancy Skaar is definitely fantastic.

     


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    James Johnston

    James Johnston is a grizzled post-millenial. Follow him on Twitter to challenge him to a fight.

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