One thing I like to do is write, which I believe is clear by the amount of posts in this blog that we have gained in such a short time. However, I occasionally go back and read some of my older writings that I’ve placed in other places and find a nice little piece that I am proud of and wish to re-share. Today, while searching for another essay (that appears in one of next week’s planned updates), I found an op-ed number called “How I Would Have Written Spider-Man 3,” which was in response to the massive hype of the Dark Knight and how people were using that as an excuse to once again rip on Spider-Man 3. I will admit that, all things considered, that movie was in fact a disappointment, but unlike everyone else in the world, I did not hate it. In fact, there were some things I liked. I would never say it’s one of the best comic book movies ever, but it’s definitely not something that I felt deserved all the hate that it gathered, and I especially think that a lot of people’s comments were stupid (I remember when leaving the theater someone said they didn’t like it because there was “too much crying”).
So I took it upon myself one day to write my own version of the Spider-Man feature films, picking up from where Spider-Man 2 left off. I hope you enjoy this little article and that one day, Hollywood and Sony and Marvel allow me to come in and re-do all the movies in my own image for a new generation.
Important Note: While I am obviously a very intelligent and well rounded author, this “article” came straight out of an old journal of mine, and the language I use is not as thought out as articles I normally write for the blog. Keep this in mind when I use improper grammar and swear.
How I Would Have Written Spider-Man 3, by Matthew Meylikhov
Ok, first off: f*** Sandman. Who really cares about him? In the entire lexicon of villains, he is Sam Raimi’s favorite? The Beetle is more of an interesting villain. I would still use 3 villains for the film though. I would keep Venom and Harry Osborn’s Goblin incarnation, but instead of Sandman I would put someone like Kraven the Hunter. Kraven is perfect because he is entirely realistic. The set up is that Kraven comes to America to hunt Spider-Man. This is a device used in Ultimate Spider-Man where Kraven essentially equals the Crocodile Hunter. I want to keep him Russian though. So Kraven comes to America to hunt down Spidey as a publicity stunt. Of course, J Jonah Jameson is all over this. Now, we need to keep Jameson’s son in this because Jameson’s son needs to go to the moon and bring back the suit with him. This is a device from the old 90’s Spider-Man cartoon I watched as a kid. There could be a problem with the space shuttle landing that Spidey has to try and help attend to. Perhaps it crashes and Spidey has to bust in to get John Jameson out, and in doing so, he gets the black suit. So now we have Kraven hunting Spidey, setting up cool elaborate animal traps for him, and now Spidey has this black suit that makes him ridiculously strong and aggressive. It is this that eventually leads him to beat the tar out of, and nearly kill, Kraven the Hunter. This is why Spider-Man reasons the black suit is evil, and he needs to get rid of it. As for Harry, I liked what they did with Harry in Spider-Man 3. I legitimately like the “How’s the pie?” “So good!” scene. I would leave that stuff in, including Parker throwing a pumpkin bomb into Harry’s face. This leaves Mary Jane in the movie. I thought she was pretty useless, at least with Kirsten Dunst portraying her because Kirsten Dunst is a s***** actress, and I would rewrite a lot of her scenes where she acts like her acting career is more important than the fact that Peter Parker is saving the city day after day all by his f****** self. Yeah… OK… I would drop all Gwen Stacey subplots because since we already have Mary Jane, we don’t need Gwen.
Now, for the important stuff: Eddie Brock/Venom. I would recast him. Topher Grace is a good actor, but I think instead of having Venom be a perfect foil to Spider-Man, I want Venom to be a big hulking monster. Eddie Brock was a body builder, and because of this he could rip Spidey f****** apart. So, Eddie needs to be there right from the start of the film as a rival photographer. I would keep the set up that they had in 3 for how he works at the Bugle, but here’s my main difference: all that time they spent with how misunderstood Sandman was? That should all go to Eddie. We need to see Eddie at home, trying to work on his stories, working out, being lonely. And we need Ann Weying in there not loving him because he just wants to make it big at the Bugle. Then we need him to get foiled by Spider-Man several times. The first time Eddie takes a picture of Spidey, Spidey should grab the camera and say “No thanks!” and chuck it. Eddie could follow Spidey into battle with Kraven, and Spidey could web up Eddie. The reason would be to protect him, but he’d forget about him and Eddie wouldn’t be found until the police arrived. We need to really build up Eddie’s hate for Spider-Man and not Peter Parker, because Eddie felt Spider-Man ruined his life, not Parker. When he found out the two people were one and the same, that’s when he became really aggressive towards him.
Ok, so let’s summarize a bit:
-Keep all of what existed between Harry and Peter/Goblin and Spider-Man in this film (maybe turn the Goblin into less of a ninja and a suit closer to what Norman wore?)
-Have Kraven the Hunter as a villain who traveled from Russia to hunt Spider-Man as a publicity stunt, fully endorsed by JJJ
-Have John Jameson go to the moon and bring back the suit. His space ship will have trouble landing/crash and Spider-Man will need to save him, and that’s how he comes into contact with the suit
-Spider-Man will battle Kraven and Kraven’s various traps, but when the black suit takes over, he will take out his aggression to the full extent and nearly kill Kraven, helping him realize he is going against everything he stood for
-Build up Eddie Brock’s character to hate Spider-Man and not Peter Parker and to show him as more of a person so we can relate to him as an anti-hero vs. a meat head
-Do one of two things: Split the film cleanly in half, keeping the two and a half hour running time: first half devoted to Goblin problems/Kraven, and the second half devoted to Venom torturing Spider-Man until the epic showdown where Harry can help Peter out OR make two films using the same process
It is very important that Venom tortures Spider-Man. He needs to attack Aunt May like the Green Goblin did, he needs to kidnap Mary Jane like Doctor Octopus did. Also, he can not f****** say “I like being bad. It makes me feel good.” Venom is not an evil character! I mean, he kind of is, but more importantly is the fact that he is ONLY evil to Spider-Man. He has no problem with anyone else, unless they harm an innocent bystander! That is why Venom is the Lethal Protector. As far as things go, Venom has always been my favorite hero/anti-hero. Anyone who has been in my room can attest to this at the various Venom paraphernalia around my room.
So that’s my film. I think my geekdom points just went up a million or so, but I could probably sit down with a copy of the script to Spider-Man 3 and make a really good film out of it that everyone would love. I don’t think I would take the tone down a lot. I know the subject matter of the black suit is .. well, dark, but I don’t think the film needs to be Batman dark to get the point across. I think when Peter has the black suit it should be a slow descent into madness so to speak, and this does not have to be very apparent to the viewer at all to be effective. He shouldn’t just right away start flipping his hair about and yelling at Mr. Ditkovitch. It should be slow and simple, like him getting annoyed and angry at simple things to him being overtly aggressive and, again, beating Kraven the Hunter to a bloody pulp. What would be so important about him beating Kraven would be that, since Kraven is doing this as a publicity stunt, it could be videotaped/televised, and everyone would see Spider-Man beating the s*** out of this guy before realizing, “Oh my God… what am I doing…?” and fleeing to try and remove the suit.
Ta da! Hey, Hollywood, give me money.
