Have you read Image Comics’ Reed Gunther yet? This book from brothers Shane and Chris Houghton is a blast and features perhaps the most Movember-friendly cast of characters in comics. It seems like every issue has at least one new mustachioed character, with the omnipresent leader of their mustache brigade being altogether great guy Reed Gunther.
In the spirit of Movember and the recent release of the first volume of the series, we’re going to highlight the mustaches of Reed Gunther to figure out the answer to the age old question of “what does your mustache say about you as a person?” You’ll be surprised about the answers, which you can find out after the jump.
Reed Gunther
‘Stache class: Awesome handlebar mustache
What does the ‘stache say?: You are a great man. You are a man who women want to be with and men want to be. When you look in the mirror, you think “who is that handsome devil?” and then quickly remember “oh yeah, that’s just me.” You’re the type of person who befriends bears and solves problems. You’re the Dos Equis man of the Wild West, except when he wakes up in the morning he puts on a gold bracelet with an etching in it that states “WWRGD” before he heads out to be the most interesting man in the world.
That is some ‘stache.
Sterling
‘Stache class: Full body
What does the ‘stache say?: Odds are, it says you’re some sort of animal, most likely a bear. Well, that or Dan Hedaya. But what a bear you are!!!
Young Reed Gunther
‘Stache class: Fake ‘stache
What’s the ‘stache say?: Out there in America, there are many kids with dreams. Dreams of being a Transformer or a wizard or any number of other things, but very rarely does a kid make that dream happen. When you dream of having a mustache at age six and you make that dream a reality, the world is your oyster and you’re destined for facial hair greatness. Well done Reed Gunther. We – and you – knew you had it in you all along.
Look for the first appearance of Reed’s early, fake mustache in Dec. 7’s Reed Gunther #6.
Mr. Picks
‘Stache class: Lean and mean
What’s the ‘stache say?: Has there been anyone in the history of time that has had this mustache and wasn’t a villain in some way? Okay,
John Waters (who is evil to sensitive folk), but for pretty much the rest of humanity it seems like this ‘stache says “hi, I’m probably going to con you or do something similarly disreputable.” I can only assume the evil in these people is mostly derived from the envy they feel towards those who can grow thick, beautiful mustaches.
Train Conductor
‘Stache class: Broom-like
What’s the ‘stache say?: You never see a ‘stache of this variety on a dunce. No sir, this variety of facial hair comes on men of high intelligence with impressive, power ‘stache growing ability. This man didn’t become a train conductor by accident – I’m sure the railway company who hired him took one look at that ‘stache and said “this is the man for us! He is obviously competent.”
Continued below
Look at
Twitch of Sam & Twitch. You never doubted his competence, did you?
President Grover Cleveland
‘Stache class: Presidential
What’s the ‘stache say?: Powerful. Impressive. Prolific. These are some of the words that describe people with this type of mustache, and it’s with good reason. This type of ‘stache takes impressive growth ability, stunning dedication and meticulous grooming. It’s no surprise that people like President Grover Cleveland and Commissioner James Gordon are the faces you see under ‘staches of this sort.
New Yorker reading newspaper from issue #4
‘Stache class: Drapes
What’s the ‘stache say?: When one grows an epic drape ‘stache of this fashion, it’s said that they are often intelligent and well-dressed, but also frightfully susceptible to taking four donuts when one would do the job. Perhaps that’s why they grow a mega ‘stache that would cover their mouth – it prevents the ingestion of additional food.
But not for long, because it turns out food is delicious and you need it to live. Great. Now I’m hungry.
Various Hobos
‘Stache class: Thick and unkempt, almost…hobo like
What’s the ‘stache say?: If you grow a mustache and it comes out like this, I have bad news for you: you’re probably going to end up homeless. But don’t despair! The good news is, if you have a theatrical spirit inside of you, you could be come a very famous actor. See:
Brimley, Wilford or
Elliott, Sam.
That said, out of all of the hobo-like facial hair one can grow, this is by far the most inviting (except in the case of the guy on the right who quite frankly looks like a bit of a sourpuss).
Monster Wrangler
‘Stache class: Depending on your perspective, this either
falls under “Friendly Mutton Chops” or “A La Souvarov”
What’s the ‘stache say?: Let’s face it, if you have a ‘stache like this you’re probably the world’s nicest biker or an absentminded security guard (or you’re the latter professionally and the former in your free time). Those are your only options. But don’t worry, odds are your future
looks pretty bright.
Historically, people who have grown facial hair like this have been called “really nice guys,” “swell chaps,” and “outrageously bad at shooting dart-firing rifles.” Way to go, you! Those are all pretty good compliments besides the latter, although who wants to be good at shooting things with darts, really?
