I’m not sure if you’ve heard about this (some of our staff hadn’t), but November is no longer November. No sir, it’s actually MOvember, a month in which people grow mustaches for charity (whether or not that makes any sense is not the point of this article), and to celebrate this month of ironic ‘staches and genuine impressive facial hair growth, we have a top ten list of the best ‘staches in comic history.
This was a tough list if only because this was such an impressively competitive topic. We tried to keep the amount of beards to a minimum (two very special ones make an appearance), because this is Movember, not some weird beard month that would be difficult to pronounce. Hopefully you enjoy, and if you can think of any that we missed, let us know in the comments.
The Ron Swanson Memorial Spot for Best Ron Swanson Portrait
JRSly’s Ron Swanson Portrait
Why’d he make the list?: Because you can’t have a list of best mustaches without including Ron Swanson. Even if it’s only comic book characters.
Honorable Mention: Jason Aaron in DMZ
Why’d he make the list?: Hey, he appeared in a comic and he has a pretty spectacular beard. He has to make the list for that reason.
10. Dum Dum Dugan
Why’d he make the list?: Dum Dum has a mustache that says “I enjoy my whiskey and my firearms, but sometimes not in that order.” His mustache says “fear me, because I am manlier than you.” It says “I can wear a bowler cap and still look like a badass.”
That, and this is a bit of a nepotism case. I have red facial hair, Dum Dum has red facial hair. Gotta stand tall for the ginger beards.
9. Volstagg
Why’d he make the list?: Based off of his impressive growth, I can only assume that the amount of facial hair a Norse God grows is directly proportional to the amount of food one eats. Which, in Volstagg’s case, we know is significant (just like his abilities with the ladies in that picture).
And before you say “wait, that isn’t a mustache,” ask yourself this question: would this list really be complete without Volstagg?
I say thee nay!
8. Mandarin
Why’d he make the list?: I like to think that face he is making in that picture is him being pleased he made this list. Of course you were going to make this list Mandy – that fu manchu is a glorious creation that is perhaps more powerful than your ten rings. I only have one question though…do you shave the part in the middle, or do you have some really, really weird growth patterns? These are the questions I wonder.
7. Corsair
Why’d he make the list?: Look at that guy. With that ‘stache, he should have left the space swashbuckling to the Guardians of the Galaxy and hit up Earth in the 80’s so he could front a hair metal band named “The Starjammers” and duke it out with Ronnie James Dio for making the most ridiculous music videos this side of MC Hammer’s “Pumps in the Bump” video. Instead, he’s just an epic space adventurer who may or may not be sleeping with a skunk lady while being a perpetual thorn in the side of D’Ken (or whoever the current flavor of douche is in Chandilar). All in a days work for that ‘stache.
6. Commissioner Gordon
Why’d he make the list?: Most of the mustaches on this list are on this list because they are ridiculous in some way, shape or form, but Gordon makes it just because that is a mustache that even Ron Swanson would be proud to call his own. No man with a ‘stache like that could do anything but earn the respect of the men and women around him, and the envy of the former. I salute you and your facial hair (but prefer the white to the red).
5. Sinestro
Why’d he make the list?: I’d love to know the reasoning behind giving Sinestro a wispy, sensitive poet’s mustache, but because I have no idea why it happened, I’ll just continue loving it because it is hilarious.
I’d like to believe the reason why Sinestro ended up such a power hungry jackass isn’t because of deep distrust of the Guardians or anything of that sort, but his untreated rage that he generated as he went through high school on Korugar with that precious little thing on his face. It’s true Sinestro, mustaches make you tough. Just not that mustache.
4. Omni-Man
Why’d he make the list?: That isn’t a mustache, that’s a way of life on Omni-Man’s face. It’s hard not to imagine that his grand Viltrumite plan to take over the Earth wasn’t led off by “Develop trust of humanity by growing glorious mustache.” It’s true, people hate subjugation by alien warlords, but it’s so hard to be upset with him when his mustache takes up at least 50% of his face.
So long as he never shaves, I’d never have a problem bowing at the altar of the great Omni-Man.
3. Batroc the Leaper
Why’d he make the list?: Look at that picture people. That is an actual bust in which Batroc was clearly thinking (en Francais) “good god, my mustache is sexy.” Or perhaps “I am amazing.” One way or another, that thing is a gift from the gods, combining envied ‘stache length with truly once-in-a-generation pliability. If I had a ‘stache like that, I’d have no problem being Captain America’s punching bag either. Why?
Because I’d look good while doing it.
2. J. Jonah Jameson
Why’d he make the list?: Back when this character was invented, I can only assume Marvel thought “we need to make sure that people realize this guy is a jerk. How can we do that?” and then answered it by saying “let’s give him a Hitler ‘stache!” Incredibly enough, JJJ has owned it, going throughout a lengthy character history with ups and downs yet (pretty much) never losing one of the most recognizable ‘staches in comics.
Or, you know, history.
He would have been number one except for the shining light in one of the darkest times in the history of Marvel’s most popular characters.
1. Drunk Tony Stark
Why’d he make the list?: Let’s face it: we’ve all gone on a bender a time or two. Sure, we’re not futurist billionaires so we have to worry about how we look, but come on now Tony Stark, you really let yourself go in “Demon in a Bottle.” That ‘stache by itself is dirty and creepy, but combining it with the filthiest five o’clock shadow in the history of the Earth? I’m not sure if your reaction to looking in the mirror is because of disgust in yourself because of your actions or your horrible, horrible facial hair. If I was the Mandarin or a Stane of some variety, I wouldn’t attack you directly, I’d just publish a picture of you with that facial hair on the Internet so you couldn’t get ladies any more.
That said, you get roughly two thousand bonus points for committing to the rare combination of significant stubble and mustache, and because you managed to drink yourself to the point that you thought wearing your Iron Man suit under a suit was a good idea. Way to go Tony. Like JJJ, you really owned it.
