You know, Matt e-mailed me this weekend asking me to write up my thoughts on the DC relaunches or reboots or soft boots or soft launches or warm jets or whatever — specifically, the ‘Young Justice’ end of things. All I could think was: “Does Matt really hate fans of these books that much, that he’d ask me, of all people?”
Of the Multiversity staff, I’m probably the hardest to please. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to demand more and more out of my entertainment. I don’t want to watch TV unless it’s half as funny as Archer or half as heavy as Breaking Bad — both tall orders, you know? Just because something’s there and it’s inoffensive doesn’t mean I think it’s worth a look. That’s long been my attitude toward teen-team books, rare exceptions like Avengers Academy notwithstanding. I could go on and on about why I think they’re popular (long story short: “if superhero comic books are adolescent power fantasies, then teenage superhero comic books are adolescent power fantasies plus the casual sex you weren’t getting in high school, don’t even fucking lie”), but the real point here is: I’m coming into this column knowing very little about what I’m talking about, other than that I will probably not buy any of this stuff. There, I’ve spoiled the end of the column. Proceed at your own risk and of your own free will, ye damned.
So. Let’s make fun of some teenagers.
Teen Titans #1
Written by SCOTT LOBDELL
Art and cover by BRETT BOOTH and NORM RAPMUNDTim Drake, Batman’s former sidekick, is back in action when an international organization seeks to capture, kill or co-opt super-powered teenagers. As Red Robin, he’s going to have to team up with the mysterious and belligerent powerhouse thief known as Wonder Girl and the hyperactive speedster calling himself Kid Flash to stand any chance at all against a living, breathing weapon with roots in another world! They — along with a few other tortured teen heroes — will be the Teen Titans in this new series from writer Scott Lobdell (WILDC.A.T.S, Uncanny X-Men) and artist Brett Booth (JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA)!
We might as well begin at the beginning, and… well. I’ll leave it to the people who actually care whether Kon-El lives or dies to go “that’s not my _______” or “how could they do _______ to _______” or “IT’S LIKE THEY’RE PISSING IN MY MOUTH AND I’M PAYING $2.99 TO SUPPORT THEIR BLADDER.” The mischaracterization! The costumes! The fact that we might not know who like two of those people are! Teen Titans aren’t supposed to be tortured! They’re supposed to be tiny, aww yeah! Blah blah blah.
Remember the 1990s? Well, Scott Lobdell and Brett Booth sure do. But you Teen Titans fans can be marginally thankful that they just went for 90s retro — mysterious “tortured” characters, kewl costumes, tattoos of your superhero logo to make a secret identity almost bafflingly self-defeating. In the actual 1990s, they replaced the entire team with a bunch of jerks, led by a de-aged Ray Palmer. When’s the last time anyone gave a crap about Argent doing anything? At least you still have Robin and Superboy and Wonder Girl in SOME form.
That form, er, being “the return of Extreme Studios comics from 1994.” Seriously. Rob Liefeld isn’t even involved with this one and it still looks like a relaunch of the New Men. (Robin would be Byrd.) The New Men, meanwhile, were a pale rip-off of the X-Men. The X-Men, at that time, were shepherded by Scott Lobdell. Anyway, expect lots of overblown soap opera, dark secrets, etc. The upshot is that in a trade-focused market, subplots will probably not be left hanging for four years at a time — besides, by that point we’ll be unwriting this team from continuity in favor of Atom and Argent as part of the crossover epic “Zero Hour II” where it turns out Extant farted into a jar and breaking it open will something something something timestream.
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Static Shock #1
Written by SCOTT McDANIEL and JOHN ROZUM
Art and cover by SCOTT McDANIEL and JONATHAN GLAPIONThe brilliant, slightly awkward high school student Virgil Hawkins transforms into the cocky electromagnetic hero Static! A mysterious tragedy forces the Hawkins family to relocate from Dakota to New York City! Virgil embarks upon new adventures in a new high school and a new internship at S.T.A.R. Labs! As Static, he dons a new uniform and establishes a new secret headquarters! But is he ready to take on the new villains who lurk in New York City’s underworld?
I’ve neither read nor watched anything to do with Static, ever. I think it’s cool that DC is diversifying their title-character line-up that much more, but nothing about that solicitation actually compels me to read the book. You know why? I’ve never read anything to do with Static, but I’ve already read the above comic book. “The brilliant, slightly awkward high school student Jason Rusch transforms into the cocky elemental hero Firestorm! A mysterious tragedy forces the Rusch family to relocate from wherever the hell they started to wherever the hell they ended up! Jason embarks upon new adventures in a new high school and a new internship at S.T.A.R. Labs!”
We’re 2 for 2 with 1990s nostalgia in some way shaping a title, by the way.
Hawk and Dove #1
Written by STERLING GATES
Art and cover by ROB LIEFELDHank Hall is not happy. He’s not happy to have Dawn Granger as a new partner in his war on crime. He’s not happy that she’s dating the ghostly Super Hero, Deadman. He’s not happy to learn that someone is trying to plunge the United States into a new civil war! Now it’s up to Hawk and Dove to root out the forces behind this conflict and stop them before they turn the U.S. into a wasteland! And who is the monster lurking in the shadows, watching Hawk and Dove from afar? Find out in this new series from Sterling Gates (FLASHPOINT: KID FLASH LOST) and artist Rob Liefeld (X-Force, Youngblood)!
I can’t tell if this is a reboot or what. I mean, Dawn Granger’s necrophilia is a Brightest Day thing, right? (It sure sounds like something that’d come from there.) But Hank Hall is her “new partner?” Plus, the “monster lurking in the shadows blah blah” is almost certainly Kestrel, aka Evil Hawk — not to be confused with Evilhawk, who fought Darkhawk. Now, for this sentence, pretend I’m going on and on about Rob Liefeld art, because really, internet, I just don’t find getting excited about his stuff worth the trouble anymore. It’s not like he’s drowned children or something. (Matt, please delete the preceding sentence if it turns out that Rob Liefeld has, in fact, drowned children.) Let the guy draw his millions of teeth and his sprightly calf muscles if it makes him and his loyal fans happy, jeez.
Anyway, there’s one good thing about the solicitation copy here, which is that it doesn’t give a single stupid mention to the Lords of Chaos and Order, who empower Hawk and Dove out of boredom or perhaps spite. Whenever DC gets all grave and metaphysical in trying to assign importance to the arbitrarily thrown-out focal points of idiomatic concepts — or, worse still, a hierarchy of importance, because which came first, the chicken or the Endless — it gets horrifically boring and only serves to wrap often unimaginative stories in a warm safe shroud of self-important filler. (Marvel is guilty of this too.) If Hawk and Dove stick to averting civil war and don’t whine about a bunch of blobby energy personas from beyond our range of perception, good, more power to them. Anyway, this stopwatch I just clicked is until the first “Hank Hall / Tea Party” politics joke.
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Blue Beetle #1
Written by TONY BEDARD
Art by IG GUARA and RUY JOSEIt’s not easy being Jaime Reyes. He has to deal with high school, family and all the drama that comes with being a teenager. Also, he’s linked to a powerful scarab created by an alien race known as the Reach who seek to subjugate planets — or annihilate them. It’s up to one teen hero to turn this instrument of destruction into a force for good.
Another character where I’ve never read or watched anything with them in it, but I’m okay with their general existence. That said, Tony Bedard has been writing comics for like nine hundred thousand years — I constantly see him connected to DC stuff, just like I used to constantly see him connected to Marvel stuff — and it feels like on this one he just shrugged and went “sure, he’s, like, a high schooler, and… you know, adolescent problems, and stuff, and… aliens.”
You know what was a cool teen series? Steve Gerber and Brian Hurtt’s Hard Time, which DC published until it remembered that it doesn’t publish cool stuff like that as a matter of policy. (It’s just as well, the second volume was veering off course.) Instead of “boyishly handsome and yet charmingly awkward teenager — like Hugh Grant pre-transsexuals but a teenager — has to deal with bully who he eventually befriends, nerd who he eventually befriends, hot girl who gives him the time of day who he eventually befriends, and best friend whose dad beats him up (the best friend, not teen Hugh Grant),” we had a runty little teenage protagonist go to jail for his involvement in a school shooting, and THEN the crazy super-power stuff started.
C’mon, it’s not even like there’s a high bar to jump with these things. At this point I’ll even take, like, “Blue Beetle has to deal with the pressures of high school — but keeps losing one of his shoes every day!” It’d at least be marginally different, even if you’d get fill-in artists who’d forget and draw him with both shoes.
Legion of Super-Heroes #1
Written by PAUL LEVITZ
Art by FRANCIS PORTELAThe Legion of Super-Heroes has been decimated by the worst disaster in its history. Now, the students of the Legion Academy must rise to the challenge of helping the team rebuild — but a threat of almost unstoppable power is rising at the edge of Dominator space, and if the new recruits fail, the Legion Espionage Squad may be the first casualties in a war that could split worlds in half!
Still?
Legion Lost #1
Written by FABIAN NICIEZA
Art and cover by PETE WOODSSeven heroes from the 31st century have traveled back to the present day. Their mission: Save their future from annihilation. But when the future tech they brought with them fails, they find themselves trapped in a nightmarish world that, for them, is the ultimate struggle to survive! Don’t miss the start of this all-new LEGION series illustrated by Pete Woods — fresh off his spectacular run on ACTION COMICS — who is joined by writer Fabian Nicieza (RED ROBIN)!
1990s nostalgia rears its braying, Stephen-Platt-drawn head once more! “But Legion Lost came out in like 2001, STUPID,” you sneer at me. To which I say: yeah, but this plotline is taken like right from the stupid 90s Legion comics when half the team got stuck back in time because of, I don’t know, space rays or something. (They even participated in that one crossover where the sun got extinguished. I wonder why DC characters never bring that up — I mean, the sun got extinguished, you know? You’d think that’d scar some people.) Plus, it’s by Fabian Nicieza, former X-Force maestro, so… you know, it’ll… well, it’ll certainly be a comic book, that much I’m pretty sure.
Looking back at this set of solicits, I’m struck by one thing: none of them seem particularly good or interesting, and yet none of them seem particularly horrifying or worth mocking (“SHUT UP TEEN TITANS IS MY LIFE“). I mean, I know I just mocked them, but you could probably tell my heart wasn’t really in it. These things are like a paean to mediocrity, taking risks solely on the basis of things like “Robin wears a new hat” or “giving Static a series again” or “hiring Rob Liefeld.” None of it’s new, none of it’s fresh, and none of it will appeal to anyone except for people who just want more product, regardless of quality or innovation. If you’re one of those people, please don’t buy this stuff regardless. You’re killing me over here.
