So the DCnU rebootlaunch is coming in September, and with it are quite a few questions, with the most prevalent being: wait a minute, where is character X, Y, or Z? While DC has released the announcements for 52 titles (with more planned books on the way, assumedly), we’re left to curiously wonder why some of our favorite characters didn’t make the cut into the new line of books. For example, where’s Power Girl? Or the Secret Six? How did these characters just disappear?
Obviously, they went somewhere. Characters don’t just randomly cease to exist in a shared universe – that’s crazy talk! So we as a group got together to do a little research and attempt to uncover some of the conspiracy theories about where some of the characters have gone. We might not be correct, but our sources tell us that a fair good deal of this is accurate information.
Check behind the cut for some of our theories for where the missing DCU characters are.
The JSA and the New Gods will not be part of the DCnU due to Dan DiDio thinking “old” concepts are the equivalent of “bad” or “boring” concepts. Assumedly this means they’re currently exiled to Earth-53. Additionally, Darkseid was not invited to return to the DCU after Dan DiDio found out that the former New God was homeless and tweeting from behind a Baby Gap dumpster.
Power Girl won’t be in the new DCU because when Lee and DiDio told all the characters that the women would have pantsuits, she quit, stating “pants?! What are we? Kandorians?!”
DC regrettably informed the rest of the Secret Six they were disbanding after someone left the door open and Catman got out, never to be heard from again. Some found government work, and King Shark only agreed to that after getting REALLY hammered. Jeannette decided to sit out the DCnU and instead focus on her burgeoning YouTube career. She already has a song out called “I Will Suck The Marrow From Your Bones (Party Song!)” and it’s gotten 16 million views. Her next goal: duet with Rebecca Black. Additionally, Peter Merkel is currently asking for time away from his job in Washington after being caught sending pictures of his junk to young girls under the name “Anthony Weiner,” and Bane is currently getting laid. A lot.
Renee asked one too many Questions about the reboot and was never heard from again. Some say she moved to San Francisco to start a life with Scandal Savage. Others say Checkmate got to her.
There were several shake-ups in the Teen Titans line-up. Solstice won’t be appearing because she couldn’t get her Visa in time for the launch, but it is said she took one look at the New…New…New Teen Titans and she decided she didn’t want to join anyway. Donna Troy was said to be unavailable because Jim Lee couldn’t figure out a way to make her costume any WORSE. Beast Boy realized he was 35 and still calling himself Beast Boy. When trying to convince the other Titans to call him Beast Man, the new, edgy Superboy laughed and forced him to turn into a green Tim Drake as punishment…and so he can stare longingly in Tim’s eyes whenever he pleases.
Ray Palmer was passed over because DC would rather have Ant-Man.
Rip Hunter is otherwise occupied, having gotten into a drinking contest with Doc Brown from Back to the Future (Earth 1.21). Having lost, Hunter now has to write “Deloreans > Time Spheres” on his chalk board 1 million times.
Black Adam has recently gone into hiding after hearing rumors that the Rock might play him in a big screen adaption beginning to pick up steam again.
Continued belowAdam Strange retreated back to Rann indefinitely. He just couldn’t take the abuse of being compared to “his cousin the doctor” by his mother.
Doctor Fate joined the Justice League Dark, but his stay was brief. After John Constantine put a spell on his helmet that essentially turned it into a magical set of headphones that blared the top forty hits of five years ago into the ears of whoever wore it, Fate decided that he had better things to do with his time. Constantine insists that it was all in good fun.
Hawkgirl gave up her wings when she realized that the average comic fan can only care about one hawk-person at a time. Nowadays, she spends her days in a Buddhist monastery in Tibet, believing that Stormwatch might pick her up on accident once the comics reading public realizes that Hawkman is lame.
In the world of Batman, several of the side characters have mysteriously gone missing. Cassandra Cain was on the way to the relaunch, but was stopped at customs for trying to bring two giant katanas as her carry-on luggage. Additionally, when the authorities were sent to Stephanie Brown’s house to make sure she had survived the relaunch, she was nowhere to be found. However, a disheveled Bryan Q. Miller was seen hurriedly leaving the scene, manically muttering something about “keeping her perfect.”
In the realm of the Outsiders, it is said that Geo Force was not asked into the DCnU because, to be brutally honest, he’s lame as shit. Not one to retire he is now working as a seismologist in Japan helping to set up an early detection program to avoid disasters similar to the one that recently devastated Japan. Furthermore, The Creeper is no longer allowed in the DCnU as it was recently discovered that he is not Jack Ryder as once was previously believed but is in fact actually Justiniano. Dan DiDio responding to the revelation stated, “Well, the name makes more sense now.”
