When the Marvel Universe is gone, all that remains is Secret Wars Service: the new Multiversity Comics column looking to dig through the dense adventure that is Jonathan Hickman and Esad Ribic’s “Secret Wars”. As is per usual with our recap columns, we’ll do a spoiler-free review followed by a more thorough recap with spoilers.
Review
Written by Jonathan Hickman
Illustrated by Esad Ribic• WHEN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE IS GONE, ALL THAT REMAINS IS BATTLEWORLD!
• LEARN THE SECRETS OF THIS BRAVE NEW REALM IN THIS SPECIAL OVERSIZED ISSUE!
So far, my biggest concern with “Secret Wars” has been the evolution of Hickman’s story in “Avengers” and “New Avengers” with the dozens of crossovers coming up. It seemed like they would have little to do with the whole Battleworld saga, a legion of tie-ins waiting to wind up in public libraries like the “House of M” titles of yore. All that said, with “Secret Wars” #2, Jonathan Hickman and Esad Ribic give a focused look at what exactly their story is about. And while they don’t lay everything out on the table, the questions they leave unanswered have turned me around on every single “new” title coming out in the next few months.
“Secret Wars” #2 is a drastic step away from the wanton destruction prevalent in the first issue. The comic takes its readers through the new reality of Battleworld, a land borne out of the consequences of “New Avengers”. Without giving too much away, there’s a definite hook that separates this reality from others. Big twist aside, Battleworld still carries a grand scale that suits Ribic’s art. Ribic goes all out here with an entire police force of Thors, a town guarded by a Galactus sentry, and a somehow crazier take on the Wall from Game of Thrones. What Ribic paints is a condensed universe full of Marvel mashed right against each other into a seemingly unconquerable beast.
That same beast is filled with a surprising amount of political intrigue from Hickman, who is bound to get a ton of Game of Thrones jabs aimed at him with the inclusion of several houses and the Wall I mentioned earlier. Of course, the utilization of multiple factions has been a long-running trope in Hickman’s writing with the cliques in “Manhattan Projects” and the several families in “East of West.” Hell, ‘Time Runs Out’ had like seven factions running around at a time. Here, Hickman aims to tear the already imploding clans of Battleworld apart by introducing horrifying outside sources to shake up its status quo. The scene I’m referencing (which we’ll definitely talk about in the recap) has a distinct tone in shift from utter violence to childlike curiosity as Battleworld’s invaders set foot upon the planet. I praised Ribic’s grand scale earlier, but his attention to mood and tone really polish the details of this issue.
Final Verdict: 8.3 – All in all, “Secret Wars” #2 manages to balance the exposition dump formula found in a ton of event comics and build the framework for a world that may be able to carry its hundred or so spin-offs. And while there is beauty to be found, in Ribic’s vast backgrounds and grand details, the real beauty of Battleworld is seeing all the pieces in place that will bring it crashing down.
Now let’s talk spoilers.
Recap
Last time on “Secret Wars”, Reed Richards got the cast of every upcoming MCU film into an escape boat to flee from the Ultimate Universe which was destroying the 616. Meanwhile, Ultimate Reed Richards was up to some shit of his own and everyone else died. End of series, right?
Uh, nah. “Secret Wars” #2 opens with two no-good hunks in their underwear in a glowy castle trying to wield Mjlonir while an old man in a helmet watches. It looks like one of Stefan’s clubs from Weekend Update. The first hunk fails because he’s not Aryan enough but the second one picks up the hammer.
2015 Macaulay Culkin then turns around to find a whole room of Thors; all white, male, and muscular in classic Thor cosplay. I take back what I said earlier. This is one of Stefan’s club. The old guy (who might be Odin) mentions that all these hammers were created by the All-Father to arm his police force and… wait that’s supposed to be Odin ain’t it? Then who’s this All-Father?
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Battleworld’s hottest club is DOOMGARD. It has everything. Young boys in underwear grabbing hammers, an old man watching, and the iron visage of our terrifying tyrant god looming over us all.
In the next page, Culkin approaches his fellow brethren who, now that they’re not in a big crowd scene, involve other races and genders. I mean, the only other race besides white seems to be space horse but you get what you can from comics. I’m just upset this crowd doesn’t include a wildly confused Chris Hemsworth trying to call his agent.
Odin asks Culkin to tell the story of how God Doom created the world and Culkin gives the same “First there was nothing” speech Hickman’s been using for the past three years. It’s hard to tell if Hickman’s just fond of using recurring quotes or no one in the industry has noticed that he’s been copy and pasting most of his text. Anyway, it seems like when Doom, Strange, and Molecule Man got wiped out by the Beyonders, Doom was able to reverse that power into creating a planet and getting their powers like he tried to do with the baby Beyond in the original “Secret Wars.”
Over in some place called The Kingdom of Utopolis, Alex Powers meets with some Moloids to investigate an anomaly on behalf of DOOM. Yeah, he’s the minister of science because Doom probably didn’t want any scientists around him older than 20. He’s kind of tried to kill everyone else, no? Inside the pool found by the Moloids, Alex, Dragon Man, and Some Kid, find an upside down world and make these very specific faces.
Two things: Dragon Man should never have a human face and Alex should never have an O face.
On the other side, Dragon Man mentions his research into discovering the origin of the universe, believing that it was not created by Doom but a composite of other worlds. Before Alex can remind Dragon Man he should really shut up since they both work for Doom, they all stumble upon some giant corpses (celestials?) that confuse everyone. They also discover the escape pod our heroes were probably on. Alex orders the Moloids to dig it out while he reminds Dragon Man to not get them killed with all this “questioning”.
Back on the mainland, Macaulay Culkin and the guy I just realized is future Thor from Aaron’s “God of Thunder” fly past The Lannisters.
Apparently, Doom divided Battleworld into a bunch of different kingdoms ruled by different Barons because he just really wanted to LARP A Song of Ice and Fire. I mean, there’s no other reason to give land away to anyone who isn’t just a mirror. Sure, it makes sense for him to appease potential enemies by giving them a modicum of power but wouldn’t God Doom just roll over everyone while telling everyone to bite him? That makes more sense than giving an entire kingdom to this guy.
You have no idea how upset I am I already used the Stefan jokes.
The Thors bring Mister Sinister to Doom’s court in Doomstadt where many leaders are assembled for trial. And in terms of bossness, Doomstadt throws Doomgard right out the window. Not only is it a giant castle guarded by a Galactus but Doom’s throne is straight up Yggdrasil. Plus, his right-hand man is Dr. Strange not even fooling anyone with the Littlefinger cosplay. I’m sorry if you’re reading this column and haven’t watched any Game of Thrones, but I’m also pretty sure you don’t exist.
Dr. Strange, the Sheriff of Amagotto because you can kind of just put any noun before Amagotto nowadays, accuses Sinister of conspiring with Hyperion to overthrow the Lanni Braddocks of Higher Avalon. We also get a neat look at some of the other Barons of Battleworld which include Khonshu from Moon Knight, Madelyne Pryor for some reason, and Apocalypse who’s just kind of chilling. Anyway, Dr. Strange finds Sinister guilty so he pulls out the Tyrion handbook and challenges Brian Braddock to battle. They fight with American Gladiator staffs until Brian decapitates Sinister. That works for all of a hot second before Sinister’s like “lol nvm”, gets up, and beats the dogshit out of Brian. Before Sinister can chop off Brian’s Bradblock, Doom stops everyone.
There is a name for this kink and its name is Daddy Doom.
Doom doesn’t give a frigid crap about Sinister, because the heretics working against him are reportedly working with a Braddock. Before Brian can resume having his head kicked in, Jamie reveals he was the one working with The Silent Chambers, the group looking to take out Doom. Victor orders for the house of Braddock to be torn down but is calmed down by Susan Richards, who is now his weird lamenting woman trophy piece or something, sitting on a probably uncomfortable branch of Yggdrasil. Gross.
Brian is given mercy, Sinister is sent to be whipped in public, and Jamie gets exiled to some place called The Shield. With the meeting over, Valeria Richards gets up from her Yggdrasil branch and speaks with Sheriff Strange. First, she’s apparently Doom’s daughter in this world and also head of his science department while Strange is in charge of magic. Apparently the existence of the shuttle from earlier disproves most of Doom’s religion as it dates back far before he supposedly made the world. I don’t know. I didn’t pay attention to this scene that much because of this adorable callback to Hickman’s run on “Fantastic Four”.
Aww. Franklin and Galactus always find their way back towards one another, even when one’s dad has been replaced by a Latverian wizard god.
Over on The Shield, which again is literally just the Wall from Game of Thrones, Culkin gets really weird with Jamie Braddock by talking about how he used to watch him as a peasant kid and remembered how powerful he looked. This is presumably the last thing Jamie wants to hear as he immediately puts on some armor, jumps off into the deadlands below. There, he finds this.
Yeesh. Apparently, the deadlands are a quarantine zone full of Marvel Zombies, wild Ultrons, and the entire Annihilation Wave. Overall, that’s way more threatening than some Wildings, a few ice zombies, and a couple giants. Either way, this scene just made the “Shield” and “Age of Ultron vs. Marvel Zombies” tie-ins a thousand times more interesting.
Back at Doomstadt, Strange orders the Thors to investigate the ship in Utopolis. They do so and are immediately skewered like shrimp. Heh. That’s a pretty violent response from Mr. Fantastic and Spider-Man, huh? Oh wait.
No. No. No. Thanos, get your horrifying fish-face the hell out of here.
The ship isn’t the shuttle from last issue but the vessel used by The Cabal and Ultimate Reed. Thanos grabs a Moloid and asks for the name of the world. The Moloid dramatically responds “Battleworld”, as if we didn’t already read the solicits.
And with that, the second issue of “Secret Wars” comes to a close. The Cabal have arrived on a world ruled by God Doom and filled with threats like wild Hulks and everything beyond The Shield. Join us next week when 616-Reed asks what this planet’s name is and the issue ends with the same dramatic “Battleworld” page this one did.
