With the 2010 World Cup kicking off today in South Africa, my mind is all about that and not about comics right now. However, when I was thinking of one my mind naturally went to the other, as I thought “who would make the best soccer team in comics?” My mind raced at the options until I came up with an elite squad of the best of the best in comics.
When I was considering the roster though, I made a few rules. The first rule is no super speed. While I could have easily made any iteration of The Flash a member and completely dominated, that just seems a bit too much. In a similar vein, I also thought flying would have been too great of an advantage so I kept all of my players out of the air. Really, there is only one player on my roster who has a significant advantage in an obvious way, but he was too perfect to not include.
With all that said, click after the jump to find out who made my squad. If you have any suggestions, let me know in the comments. There are a ton of characters who would fit well, so let me hear about who you think I should have named.
For me, the dearly departed Nightcrawler is the only choice that can be made here. Granted the whole dead thing is a huge negative, but for this activity let’s presume that he’s coming back (and come on guys, we’re talking comics…he’s obviously coming back).
Nightcrawler would be a phenomenal striker for about a million different reasons: stellar body control, incredible control with both feet, acrobatic, fantastic leaper, the mere fact that he is German. All of those are huge and perfect reasons to have him front our offense. Throw in the fact that he could teleport to strikes others couldn’t and we have ourselves an unstoppable offensive force up front.
Left Forward: Bullseye
We need someone up front who can bury a ball in the back of the net from a great distance, and who better for that than Bullseye, the man who allegedly never misses? Not only that but Bullseye is very agile and a fairly decent acrobat — both important aspects as well.
I also like the fact that he gives this squad a complete wild card up front — put a little fear of god into the backline of the opposing roster, and if he really likes he could probably take out their best player with a well placed strike. “What’s that umpire…it was an accident, I swear!” He’d probably make Zidane’s headbutt from the 2006 final look like a love tap, but not before he scored a few goals that would live on in YouTube clips for an eternity.
Right Forward: Spider-Man
Spider-Man would give us a ball handler up front who would play with intelligence, agility and grace. Plus, he’d be impossible to get a jump on thanks to his Spider Sense. Attacking defenders would think the streaking Peter Parker would be easy to take out with a well placed tackle, but at the last second he’d shift out of the way and keep on the attack.
His leaping ability would make him invaluable on corner kicks too. I have to admit — I thought about putting him in midfield but he’s probably too nice for that. He’d probably tackle someone and then help them up and apologize. No good.
He’d also be the biggest trash talker and the most annoying person on the pitch — cannot be underrated. His chatterbox ways would play to this team’s advantage.
Attacking Middle: Fantomex
Out of all of the players on this roster, I have to say I think Fantomex would be the greatest. I really do. Everything about him says “dominant footballer.” He’s an incredible marksman that would be able to create scoring opportunities from further out than anyone besides Bullseye, he has multiple brains which would aid him in quick decision making and passing, his enhanced strength, speed, agility, reflexes and endurance would make him the new prototype for all midfielders, and the dude is French by way of England! This guy is Pele times Ronaldo times Maradona, with a little Zidane thrown in there. All of that is without throwing a lot of his real tricky powers in there (illusions, anyone?). Unfair, really.
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Defensive Middle: Puck
While this is completely ridiculous, hear me out on this one. Puck may be a dwarf, but he could use that to his advantage while being able to make up for it with his athletic and acrobatic ability. Think about it: no one would ever see this little guy until it was too late, making him an absurdly great tackler; his gifts lie in his leaping ability, agility, and acrobatic moves, making him able to make up for the size difference; and he would be at least a little hilarious to watch. While that last part isn’t an advantage really, I know I would love to see it.
Left Middle: Deathstroke
Assuming he doesn’t murder anyone while on the pitch, Slade Wilson and his heightened abilities and faster-than-anyone-else reflexes would be unstoppable on the left. His ability to use 90% of his brain would make him one of the better playmakers out there, and pairing him with Bullseye up the left could lead to some incredible goal-scoring opportunities. Plus, you’d have to put them next to each other because they are probably the only two who wouldn’t attack each other. Honor amongst killers, and all.
Wait, maybe I got that wrong…
Either way, I really feel like Deathstroke would be an ace on the pitch, and someone who could turn the tide at any moment. An added bonus would be the fact he looks like he is an 80 year-old that is in great shape. Huge advantage to him thanks to underestimation. Jackpot!
Right Middle: Taskmaster
Taskmaster has photographic reflexes. Do you know what that means? Anything he sees he can recreate. Anything. He. Sees.
For the month previous to the world cup, our esteemed manager would put Taskmaster through a rigorous training of watching Garrincha, George Best, and any number of other famed right middles throughout the years to become some sort of fusion of them. Not only that, anyone he faced he could quickly pick up as well, allowing him to be a defensive wall on attacking teams on the right side.
He’d be easy to lock up anyways, the guy loves money. We’d probably have to make him take off the skull mask and lose the sword and daggers, but he could wear that outside of games to add some serious intimidation factor before match begins.
Left Back: Sebastian Shaw
For some reason I already imagine Sebastian Shaw as a fan of the sport, sitting around in the Hellfire Club with lingerie wearing ladies all around him drinking absinthe and cheering on his favorite EPL squad (when he’s not tormenting the X-Men of course). He’s probably a Man U fan, if only because Wayne Rooney is the only player in the world who could match his temper. So all of that is a bonus.
I need a big power guy out there, and Shaw would be good because he could use his power (all kinetic energy is absorbed to be sent back out and then some) to dominate with some booming kicks. Whether it was used for long distanced passing or 100 meter goals, I don’t care. It would just be awesome to watch.
Plus, you have to have someone on your roster that drinks heavily and tries to seduce everyone else’s women (or at least so I assume based off of England’s International squad).
Right Back: Black Panther
Given that our defensive backfield is perhaps a bit…slow, we need someone in the backline who can cover ground quickly and kind of roam a bit. T’Challa is freakishly athletic and very intelligent, so he would have the ability to get out in the mix of things without putting himself in danger. He’s also very acrobatic and savvy with his whole body, so I feel like he’d invaluable on corners defensively.
Continued belowI have no idea why, but I also really feel like Wakanda would be amazing at the sport. They’re the 2010 Ivory Coast of Marvel’s Africa in my mind.
Sweeper: Amadeus Cho
Sure, Cho looks like he isn’t exactly a traditional athlete, but I want my sweeper to be perhaps a bit different than your average one. Put him on the backline and get him to observe the playing field and kind of be the coach on the field and I feel like he could turn the tide of any match. Think about it: Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente have had him take out characters he is completely outmatched by simply by using his brain. The guy is the 7th smartest person in the world, why wouldn’t he be able to figure out the mathematics of a match?
Plus, we’d get the awesome opportunity to see him use his Cho vision math in the field when he’s passing. We could see him drop some legendary-in-their-awesomeness passes out on the pitch. What’s that Bullseye? You have a clear look at the goal from 40 meters out? Boom. Cho’d. Nightcrawler could ‘port a bicycle kick near the goalie box off a CK? Cho’d. He’d be our designated corner kick artist, and we would be unstoppable.
Keeper: Mr. Fantastic
Your ideal keeper is tall and long. You can’t get taller or longer than Reed Richards. Plus, if we brought an substitute in for Cho then he could be the new guy predicting outcomes of plays and guiding the rest of the players along the way — our new on-field coach. Not that we would need much of an offense or coordination for a player that could stretch himself out to block post-to-post, but still, it would be nice to have out there.
Subs: Juggernaut, Spider Jerusalem, Man-Thing
Juggernaut would be nice to have simply because nobody stops the Juggernaut. Get him the ball at any point on the pitch and he’s going to take it the distance.
Spider Jerusalem…well, we just need him there for some traditional hooliganism and to be a dirty bastard out there while everyone else is focused on the ball. He’d also be the primary drinker on the roster as well as someone who would likely start a bar fight with the Italians in the midst of a friendly night at the bar. Which is always nice to have.
Last but not least, Man-Thing would go somewhere on the back line. Anyone who came anywhere near him would immediately fear him and then he would lose his shit and melt them accidentally. Okay, maybe that is a bad idea. I’m fairly certain that would earn him a red card. But still, it’s an idea.
Manager: Amanda Waller
There are many reasons as to why Amanda Waller would be perfect, but here are the best. She’s a tactical master who could plot out every move on the field perfectly. She can get everyone to listen either by money or by sheer power, and is perfect at bending the will of even the most unwilling. If no one listens, she’s proven in the past that she doesn’t mind putting a bomb in people’s heads until they do what she tells them to (hello Bullseye and Deathstroke). Best yet, she already has a ridiculously good nickname: “The Wall.” Who wouldn’t want that?
Mascot: Fin Fang Foom
Our team name will be “The Fin Fang Fooms”, our jerseys will be purple and green, and Fin Fang Foom will be our mascot. Our hooligans will only wear purple under pants that are extremely weird, and they will constantly threaten the other team’s fans with “Fin Fang Foom put you in his pants!” This has to happen. Greatest team ever.
