Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
The last event of the summer ended in The Amazing Spider-Man #672, which opened up with Steve Rogers and Flash Thompson attacking The Queen. I still don’t understand at all what happened with Rogers being the Spider-King, but that’ll teach me for thinking I can read an event without reading any tie-ins. Within the next few pages, Adriana had transformed into a towering Spider-Queen. Don’t forget, some people out there are turned on by that kind of thing. Seriously. We then returned to Peter and the newly revived Kaine, looking a lot less… Kaine-like. Kaine and Pete did a little costume switcheroo before everyone else arrived so that Pete’s identity would be safe. Okay, I know why they would do this, but it’s still kind of funny that they would do this when they look exactly the same. Once they were left alone, Kaine got Pete’s old techno-suit, and the two went after Spider-Queen. Quickly learning the hard way that brute force wouldn’t save the day, Pete had a revelation: if they cured all the spider-people, the Queen would lose her power. And how would he do that? Why, by using Doc Ock’s little guys from issue #600 to administer the Anti-Venom serum. Oh, did you really fall for the lie that Big Time would be a fresh start? You crack me up. Peter’s plan worked, and in the Queen’s moment of weakness, Kaine grew his stingers and flew through the back of her head. Now all there is to worry about is a massive spider-corpse.
It’s a brand new day for Wolve– wait, wrong franchise. It’s another new genesis for Wolverine and his band of X-Men in the first issue of their new title with a slightly similar name. The issue centered around a visit from inspectors that wanted to gauge how safe the school was for children. It went about as well as you might think. While Headmasters Logan and Kitty gave the two a tour, we learned important information about the kids and staff, such as the fact that Toad a) is the janitor and b) does’t have a bed. And it looks like Quentin Quire isn’t going to be the only troublemaker; Hellion is back to his devilish ways, and has gotten Glod Herman to be one of his flunkies. Also, apparently Gladiator has a stuck-up kid named… Kid Gladiator. Even more strange, though, is that the only two remaining members of Gladiators race were supposedly him… and his cousin. Ew. By the end of the inspector’s visit, Kade Kilgore showed up at the school’s gate just to tell Wolverine he was going to ruin his day. Good luck, Kade, it seems ruined enough already. On cue, the very earth came alive and began attacking the school and its inhabitants. I mean, I know that there has to be excitement and action in a superhero comic, but it kind of hurts Wolverine’s big point if the kids under his wing… claws… are already in danger, but whatever.
As if they weren’t already, things got ridiculous in FF #11. First, Val and the kids were and still are building something mysterious. That’s kind of old news, though; I’d be more worried if they weren’t building anything. We were also given a little scene with the Cult of the Negative Zone, where their plan to open a portal to said Negative Zone in New York City through a bunch of fast food fronts, with the Baxter Building at the epicenter, were laid out. And, yeah, there was a scene where Reed gathered every Avenger for a discussion of how screwed they were, but here’s the crazy part: Remember how two of the evil Reeds had been captured? Well, Ronan had gotten ahold of them through Blackbolt, and guess what the Accuser did with them? Go on, guess. If you guessed turned them into the new Supreme Intelligence, you are Jonathan Hickman. The book ended in its usual cliffhanger fashion with the Avengers stepping out to get some fresh air, only to see the sky filled with Kree warships. Let’s be honest, though, that isn’t that uncommon a sight to the average Marvel citizen at this point, especially in New York.
Continued belowIn Journey Into Mystery #630, we learned that the Destroyer armor was being controlled by Volstagg the entire time of Fear Itself. What a twist! We also got a new take on the event, told by Volstagg to his many children. Unsurprisingly, even though it was only two thirds of an issue long, it was significantly better than the event in question.
Daredevil #5 picked up from last issue’s cliffhanger, with Matt saving the similarly blind – but not similarly endowed with superhuman senses – Austin Cao from the many assassins outside of his apartment. After taking out the trash, Matt took Austin back to his place – no, not like that you pervs… though he did put on some Chet Baker – and tried to simulate Austin’s desk the day of his firing so that he could have better psychological recall of what the Latverians were talking about: Hydra. Okay, hold up. Assuming that Latverians that mention hydras are talking about the terrorist organization, even though they’re in a public place? That’s profiling, Matt. Putting on his Daredevil duds, Matt surprised Randall’s employer, Randall, on his private yacht. In firing Austin, Randall was just trying to protect his favorite employee from the higher-ups, but it didn’t work. Running away on his yacht didn’t work, either; a bruiser named… Bruiser showed up, beat the crap out of Matt and threw him into the water. Yeah, I’m sure he’s dead.
DC had comics out too, I guess. Aquaman #2 had some more of those creepy evil fish creatures from #1 boarding a boat and killing everyone. They then sailed the boat into a nearby town and – guess what? – killed everyone. Meanwhile, Orrin and Mera were going through a photo album when a police officer arrived at their door, asking them to help investigate what happened at said town. As the couple arrived, the top cop gave them shit – yes, yes, we get it, we know the Superfriends stigma, Johns – until those creatures from the deep busted out of the crashed boat. Everything was going so well, until what I’m assuming to be their leader spat up on Aquaman, making him semi-catatonic from how goddamn gross that is. Cue cliffhanger! And, no, that never gets old.
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
