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The Weekend Week In Review (2/22/2012)

By | February 25th, 2012
Posted in Columns | % Comments


Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.

In this week’s issue of Wolverine and the X-Men (#6), Logan proved that he could serve as a proper role model by…

…bringing Quentin Quire to an inter-stellar casino to help him count cards in order to fund the Jean Grey School. I just don’t see why some people are skeptical about Logan’s ability to lead a school. Back at the school, the teachers and students continued their Magic-School-Bus-from-Hell field trip inside of Kitty Pryde’s Brood-infested insides. I’m sure the blasts of fire, ice, and other general damages won’t have any adverse effects on Kitty’s health.

Seriously, can Kid Gladiator just never say anything ever again? Outside of the school, the mysterious alien leading/leashing the Brood arrived, setting his normal-sized Brood loose while he dealt with campus security – that is, Krakoa the Living
Island
Schoolyard! One of big and ugly’s pets soon came across Kitty and Broo and gave chase, shaking about those inside of Kitty in the process. You’d think that a super-scientist like Hank McCoy would have been able to create some kind of motion stabilizer or something like that, but look on the bright side: It looked like Kid Gladiator fell to his death. Meanwhile, in space – which is hands down the best transition ever – Logan and Quentin continued raking in the cash, even though Quire went off to win money on his own rather than follow Logan’s wishes. As one might expect, a space casino in the Marvel Universe needs to be well-versed with psychics, and employees soon became suspicious of the mutant pair – though Quire was a bit too distracted to notice.

Kitty and Broo seemed to escape from the pursuing Brood by entering Bobby’s wing of the school, but as anyone who has seen any monster chase scene would know, the Sleazoid appeared right around the corner. No problem – it seems the new school can make guns appear out or nowhere. Seriously, Hank can make that but not a simple stabilizer? Whatever. As all three stories reached their respective cliffhangers, the alien – with the stereotypical “You wouldn’t believe who I was if I told you” introduction – revealed that he had arrived to kill Broo, Kid Gladiator reappeared as a Brood host – damn, I guess they’ll just have to kill him! – and Logan and Quire began to fight off the muscle that we–

Oh goddamn it, get back here, you!

Francis Manapul and Brian Buccellato Tarantino’d up Flash #6 quite a bit, so let me see if I can get things straight for you. On a bus ride back from a little, to use her words, “romantic” getaway, Patty seemed surprised that Barry called her his girlfriend. I know I go on romantic getaways with my coworkers all the time! Later that night, Flash went to visit Dr. Elias and find out what was wrong with the Speed Force. Seems like Barry has been running a bit too fast, and that if he continues going at this pace he could suffer a minor inconvenience – like, you know, tearing a hole in space and time. As such, Elias gave him a little bit of a pedometer that was designed to measure Barry’s energy output and warn him when he’s going too hard. Gee, I bet that isn’t going to come up later! The next morning, Captain Cold confronted a doctor who was unable to give his sister an important surgery due to the Flash seemingly knocking out the city’s generator’s an issue or so ago. I bet you know where this is going! In an effort to get the Flash’s attention, Lester used his so far unexplained new ice powers to freeze the river between the twin cities – coincidentally and not at all surprisingly at the same time that Barry’s two loves, Patty and Iris, were meeting on a ship to discuss a case. Of course, Barry donned his costume and duked it out with Lester a bit, and, also of course, their battle caused the ice to crack and the aforementioned ship to sink. Also a matter of course:

Continued below

Think things have been crazy enough in Fantastic Four? Too bad. #603 opened with Galactus telling the mad Celestials to, in more or less words, piss off back to their own universe. It went over just as well as you might think.

After seeing the above, the Kree Supreme Intelligence lived up to his name and decided “Let’s get the f$*! out of here,” with Inhuman combatants hot on his fleet’s tail. So that’s two alien civilizations taken care of, and only a host of pissed-off gods left to deal with. No problem.

I take back what I said earlier about “Meanwhile, in space” being the best transition ever. In his planet-eating might, Galactus was able to take down that one Celestial, until the remaining three used their fallen comrade’s body to go all Megazord on Galactus’s ass. No, really.

Composite. Celestial. Galactus didn’t stand a chance, and his body came crashing down to earth, sprawled out and charred like in one of the first issues of Hickman’s run. They should come up with a term for things like that, like… forewarning. Yeah, that’s a good one. At a place called The Hub – one of the giant space cannons that the Evil Reeds were crafting, not my Tumblr – the first family and the Future Foundation reunited and prepared to shoot the extra godly god out of the sky. It seemed to work, but this is only the penultimate issue of the arc, so as the sky cleared it became obvious that only the shell had been cracked and the four were split back up into individual Celestials. Without the time to recharge the cannon, Johnny attempted going nova, and while it definitely left a mark, he was soon taken out of commission. Likewise, Sue’s force beams were able to scratch up another Celestial, but her protective barrier was soon broken and everyone else was lain flat. Sounds like a job for…

Future kids!

In the final issue of Skottie Young and the Mann brothers’ Magneto: Not A Hero, Magneto and Joseph finally had the epic showdown you’d been waiting for. It involved such things as Magneto throwing a planet at Joseph,

Joseph throwing a train at Magneto,

punches being thrown,

and speeches being delivered.

Of course, what was never truly addressed is why Joseph came back as a colossal asshole, other than he felt the need to vacate the evil hole Magneto used to occupy. It’s sort of flimsy logic for a clone who was created to be inherently good, but hey, whatever works.

This Week’s Contributors were:
Walt – Wolverine and the X-Men #6, The Flash #6, Fantastic Four #603
Matthew – Magneto: Not A Hero #4

Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.


//TAGS | The Weekend Week in Review

Walt Richardson

Walt is a former editor for Multiversity Comics and current podcaster/ne'er-do-well. Follow him on Twitter @goodbyetoashoe... if you dare!

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