Not even Batman looks cool riding a glowing green bubble |
Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
Compared to the previous story, about three issues’ worth of story was packed into the first handful of pages in “Justice League” #7. There was something about a guy who had control of some living virus or something weird like that, but I didn’t quite catch it. That’s not important, though. Yes, you heard me: the action was not the most important part of this issue. Before the relatively brief scene of action and ass-kicking, Batman tried to formulate a plan, until Hal interrupted him with that god-awful new catchphrase of his.
Jesus Christ that’s annoying, and the shit-eating grin doesn’t help. Bruce reacted just as well as you might think he would.
The League got to it and did what they do, saving the day, without encountering anymore hitches – aside from Hal’s unawareness of the phrase “neither the time nor the place.”
Afterward, we learned that Colonel Steve Trevor represents the League in public as part of an organization named A.R.G.U.S., and saw him get chewed out by the press. This isn’t Marvel, though – the citizens weren’t at all upset with the heroes, but at the government for not giving up their jobs and bowing down to their rightful superhuman overlords. I guess the budget is somehow balanced with fists in the DC Universe. Seriously, I don’t get this train of thought at all… and just look at this guy:
There’s no way his opinions should ever be taken seriously. The government, on the other hand, had other thoughts, and grilled Trevor on the goings-ons of the League, until he shut them down with a few threats to reveal them. Good to know our greatest heroes are ruling by fear. If that wasn’t enough, when Trevor contacted the Justice League satellite, nearly ever member that talked to him complained about his organization, except for Diana – and after that, we learned that she had turned down him down in the past. We’re only seven issues into the DCnU, and yet the new Steve Trevor is already turning out to be the most shat on character in any DC Universe. In our one-page lead in to the next conflict, an unrevealed figure plotted to attack the League, with the implication that he was the writer of the book that appeared at the end of last issue. Writers are scary, right?
The backup didn’t reveal anything in particular besides:
) DCnU Billy Batson is an adorable orphan who just wants to be loved.
Continued belowC) But it’s okay, because the head of his orphanage is slightly unpleasant, so he’s just a lovable scamp, not a cretin who is jerking around two genuinely nice people.
Oh, and something about Shazam.
The iconic “Yes. Father, I shall become a bat” scene opened up “Batman” #7, but this time we followed the bat out of Wayne Manor and saw it be killed mid-flight by an owl. That’s not symbolic at all. After nearly drowning to death after his escape last issue, Bruce was revived with a makeshift defibrillator by a masked savior, soon revealed to be..!
…her! Come on, you know who she is, don’t you? Man, you guys know nothing about comics. Editor’s Note: Neither does he, because this character is brand new as of this issue. After verbally reprimanding… that girl you should know for saving his sorry ass, Bruce trudged back home, looking about as great as he felt. Albert found him outside one of the entrances to the Batcave, and Bruce was a little spooked to find the supposedly dead Talon washed up and preserved by Alfred. Gee, I wonder why? Dick entered Bruce’s lab a while later, against Bruce’s wishes, and just in time for a lesson in Talon anatomy: apparently every Talon carries a false tooth that slowly deposits electrum into their body while they live, allowing them to be reanimated and controlled upon their death – though they’re unable to function in the cold. If you thought that was crazy, get a load of this: the particular Talon that was such a pain in the ass to Bruce in the past few issues was Dick’s great-grandfather. Bummer, man. Finding this out launched Dick into a self-righteous rant about how dare Bruce try to hide such a thing, that Bruce was preserving his facade of no emotion at the expense of others, and so on and so forth, until –
That looks like it hurt. Bruce wasn’t just being a dick, though (wordplay!); rather, he knew that Dick was being groomed to be the next Talon, and hit him in order to dislodge the electrum molar, and only that one. That’s just how great of a martial artist he is. Having a bit of an existential crisis over no longer being able to use the whole “My city” line anymore, Bruce went off to prepare for the Court of Owl’s next strike – not that he would have to wait long, as the Court woke up nearly all of their Talons and set them loose in the last couple of pages.
Diana and company searched for the god Hephaestus in “Wonder Woman” #7, and were led to his forge by his son, Eros – not at all the little cherub that we’re used to these days. The ragtag band was looking for weapons to use in an assault on hell, in order to rescue the kidnapped Zola. Before any decisions were made, though, minions of Hades sprung from Hephaestus’s forge, and the “hell” jokes that everyone loves to use when the denizens of Hell are the adversaries began.
Hephaestus poorly attempted to best the flame-beast, but soon had his sorry ass saved by Diana, who didn’t break a sweat while destroying the creature. In the wake of the battle, Diana noticed that the god’s forge-workers were humans, not creations, and also learned that they were somewhat related to her. Right after fighting a big lava crocodile is the perfect time for story-time, isn’t it? Apparently the secret of how the Amazon’s haven’t died out is that, every 33.33… years, Amazons board sailor’s ships and give themselves up to the soldiers for… special hugs, and kill them all afterward. The females are raised as Amazons, while the males are traded to Hephaestus as future workers for weapons.
Continued belowYou better believe that the comics blogosphere just loved that. Furious, Diana snuck up on Hephaestus in his sleep, lassoing him and throwing him to his slaves, all while delivering a rousing speech.
Whoops. Looks like Diana didn’t realize that if the Amazons were so willing to kill their children’s fathers, they wouldn’t hesitate when it came to killing little boys, and that Hephaestus was essentially saving them. Quick, time for some uplifting wordplay!
This Week’s Contributors were:
Walt – “Justice League” #7, “Batman” #7, “Wonder Woman” #7
Matthew – “Amazing Spider-Man” #682, “Generation Hope” #17, “Uncanny X-Men” #9
Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.