The Weekend Week In Review (4/28/2012)

Walt is away. Now I’m in charge!

Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.

This week sees four tie-ins to Marvel’s big-ass event “Avengers vs X-Men”, starting with “Vs”, the book designed to contain all the big fights so the book about big fights wouldn’t have to have too many big fights. It starts by berating the reader in what can only be described as a passive-aggressive pastiche of the cliches the event openly acknowledges it is guilty of.

Yeah, what are you, DENSE?

The first fight is that of Magneto vs. Iron Man. It reveals such interesting things as how Iron Man was really able to stand up to Magneto (by changing his body armor because… well, you know) and that Mangeto has magic magnetic counting abilities. I consider myself a Magneto scholar, but that is not something I ever knew about the guy. Go figure!

Of course, it all kind of falls apart when the fight barely syncs up with what actually happened in “AvX” #2 due to the lack of Quicksilver and Emma Frost. Of course, one could assume that this is mainly due to oversight by multiple writers writing the same scene. After all, it was Jason Aaron that wrote “AvX” #2 and this story in “Vs” was written by — … oh. Wait. Oops.

Regardless, Iron Man wins, and Magneto sheds a single tear.

The second fight features Namor and the Thing going at it, a story barely really touched upon in “AvX” #2 and thus being very open to interpretation. The story features exactly what you would expect: Namor punches the Thing, the Thing hits Namor, Namor and the Thing hit each other, Namor hits the Thing harder, Namor hits the Thing harder, the Thing uses fish against Namor and traps him underwater. But, like a classic horror villain, you can’t keep Namor down, and the story ends with Namor flying up behind the Thing, ready for another hit.

Yet, despite not actually winning, the Thing is declared the winner. Also, did you know the Thing can breathe underwater? And here I was thinking he needed to be in a full body suit when going underwater. My bad.

But hey, you want plot? Look elsewhere, chum.

In “New Avengers” #25, we’re given a diversionary little story dealing with a story that takes place in K’un Lun hundreds of years ago. Yu Ti, master of K’un Lun has a vision similar to the introduction of “AvX” #1 of a firey bird destroying a farm and a young girl embracing the power of the dragon fist to harness and control both the legendary kung fu forces learned at K’un Lun and the Phoenix itself. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Big Trouble in Little China, it’s that one can defeat a giant cosmic entity with a little kung fu.

Yu Ti travels out to the city to find this mysterious woman of his vision, eventually finding her as a mute servant girl named Fongji (which just happens to mean “Bird of Fire” — ooo!). She is brought back to the temple to be trained as the next Iron Fist, and we flash forward to present time in which Yu Ti realizes that is time to call on his secret weapon with the oncoming approach of the Phoenix.

How does it tie into “AvX”? Well… I mean, there’s a firey bird, right? I’m sure it’ll all make sense next issue. These things always line-up.

In “Secret Avengers”, the biggest potential cracks reveal themselves. Given that this book is a) not written by an architect of the event and b) is being released before the issue that covers this material (i.e. the Secret Avengers battling the Phoenix in space), there is plenty of room being left open for things not to line up. Risky business, this tie-in stuff!

The issue starts by apparently revealing that Beast’s secondary cat mutation has regressed and he now looks like the classic Claremont-era Beast we’re all familiar with:

Why? No idea! You tell me. In the mean time, Captain Britain, Thor and Valkyrie all get drunk and get ready to take on the Phoenix. Beast creates a special backpack that seems to operate in a similar fashion to the Ghostbusters’ proton packs, whose main job is to sit on War Machine’s back and capture the Phoenix. The Secret Avengers take on the Phoenix headfirst, with War Machine quickly taken out of the picture and Captain Britain brashly stepping up to the plate to sacrifice his life for the good of all and the annoyance of Beast. Long story short: they lose, but the Phoenix runs off, allowing them time to lick their wounds, patch up and argue before traveling to a near Kree planet to figure out what to do next.

All things considered, despite everyone else entering into another civil war on Earth, the Secret Avengers still managed to draw the raw end of the deal/short straw in the stack. I guess that’s what happens when Hawkeye isn’t around to call the shots.

At the same time, a group of Kree priests prepare the fallen body of Captain Mar-Vell to harness the power of the Phoenix and give their lives to resurrect his. When the Phoenix is lured away in that aforementioned bit, this system works, just in time for Captain Marvel to show up at the end of the comic and annonce he needs to kill the Avengers! It’s a shocking twist, but again – as great as Remender is, he’s not an architect of the event so you can probably imagine that this is a tie-in only in name and not in execution.

Finally, in the last “AvX” tie-in in this month’s “Uncanny X-Men”, we are given the Shot Heard ‘Round The World scenario through the X-Men’s eyes. This is notable because this is the first time we’ve been given a remotely sympathetic angle towards the X-Men, and it’s remarkable since the X-Men and Cyclops in particular are the arrogant ones here. Way to humanize the mutants, Kieron Gillen!

Through a lot of posing and posturing, the Avengers vs X-Men battle begins and is narrated by Namor, Colossus and Hope. Namor notes that he sides with the X-Men because he likes to fight for the little guy, he respects Scott and he wants to bang Emma. Colossus battles the Red Hulk underwater and gives into his new darker half, admitting that he does not have full control of himself when he enters rage mode, nearly killing Red Hulk. I’m sure most people wouldn’t mind that, but those people clearly haven’t been reading Jeff Parker’s excellent “Hulk” run, which has made the Red Hulk one of the best characters in the Marvel U, so screw those people!

Sorry. I got carried away. At any rate, Red Hulk wins, and there is a lot of punching.

And Hope? Well, Hope notes that she knows she told Wolverine to kill her if things got out of hand, but with a sassy little pose and an exposed belly she still kicks his ass and all her friends asses regardless before running away.

Of course, it ends with a rather frightening and vicious tactic on Cyclops’ behalf, which is proof positive that the pen is mightier than the sword:

I have no jokes to make about this element. That was just straight up awesome.

Gil’s reaction to the end of Uncanny X-Men:

Over on the DC side of things, in “Aquaman” #8, Arthur relived his childhood, showing the white man pain that the king of Atlantis suffers from. Very convincingly as he goes from putting ships in bottles with his daddy:

To ripping his shirt off on national TV in front of reporters from all over the place

and then jump off a cliff into the water

Apparently he thinks he’s the wolf boy from Twilight or something

But he came back.

Back in the present, the Aquacouple and Arthur’s special friend tried to discover just what it was that the eternal dick of the ocean Black Manta wants. And his special friend was REALLY special. Mera LOVED that.

He then offered to protect the guy that screwed him over a while ago

but then threatened to kill him, with a jaguar.

Talk about the carrot and the stick. Meanwhile, Mera also tries to get an explanation for what Arthur and the Biohero-terrorists, or something.

In Russia, they somehow predated the appearance of Superman who is supposed to be the first hero with a bunch of no-name heroes. And Arthur is kind of a dick.

Over in “Green Lantern: The New Guardians” #8, we find ourselves back on that lovely getaway planet Korugar, where the Weaponer of Qward stands accused of being in the Sinestro Corps, of which he’s guilty, but that can’t be so bad, right! Certainly nothing worth getting executed over, right? Oh what’s that? They did WHAT? You’d never know it though, because how long was the Weaponer a Yellow Lantern anyway, like five minutes? Poor guy just don’t know how to pick a winning team. First he picked Sinestro and got screwed over. Then he picked the Qwardians and got screwed over. Finally he picked Sinestro AGAIN and stands to be punished for Crimes against Korugarians. Who even cares about Korugarians anyway?

Certainly not Arkillo.

An hour beforehand, the multicolored Ring Slingers discussed their time vacationing on another lovely getaway spot with their host Invictus. It was so much fun, everyone but Munk was low on juice. Then Arkillo found out about the fate of the Sinestro Corps. Once again, Arkillo reacted in stride.

Or not.

Meanwhile, since Munk is naturally the only one with regular access to his lantern, of course he’s the one to leave, right? And in true Doctor Who style, he VWORPS his way out of there like a true Time Lord.

Glommy sure has a way with words.

Back in the present, Arkillo and The Weaponer take on all those Korugarians like a true Buddy Movie and The Weaponer shared what happened over in “Green Lantern Starring Sinestro.” Spoiler alert: he hid. What a scary guy. Finally, we ended our yarn with the whole reason The Weaponer is even alive:  a new ring independent of the Central Corps in exchange for the Vegas System from last arc. We close with Arkillo lighting up.

Nice.

Over in “Flash” #8, we learned about The Flash’s new, erm…running buddy, Turbine, who was in fact a lost World War II pilot in the Tuskegee Airmen. Trapped in the Speed Force since the war, he knows the way out is through Barry, somehow. So what does he do? He headlocks him and commands him to get him out, naturally!

Barry always was an eloquent one. He and Glommy should have a debate one day.

Turbine quit beating the snot out of Barry long enough to tell him about the Speed Force. Granted he only really knows because he’s been trapped there for god knows how long exactly, and who can really figure out how he got such a tricked out costume considering he’s from the past. One that looks like it could be Tony Stark’s pajamas at that. He also seems easily impressed that Flash could put his hands above his head to “reach out to” his family.

Careful Barry, you’re starting to sound like Bruce. We only have room for one grown man pining for his family.

Anyway, Turbine told him about how the Speed Force is this big ball of energy that builds up pressure and causes all sorts of havoc throughout time, destroying timelines, creating new ones, and generally doing whatever it wants to. You know, like Flashpoint and the DCnU. The Speed Force is a dick like that. But it turns out that when Barry taps into the Speed Force, he releases some of the pressure building up that ball of energy, which actually helps! How convenient, right?

Also, The Flash won’t send him to the past, because it might disrupt the Timeline. But you know, it was OK when he did it that OTHER time, just not anymore. It was a one-time thing he swears!

Turbine didn’t take that well.

So Flash rips himself and Turbine out of the Speed Force, in an attempt to get home. Turbine breaks Barry’s ear wing/lightning bolt hood ornament, and they zoom off into the wild lavender yonder.

But look who he left in the Speed Force:

There goes Date Night. And then look where they end up, right as Grodd is winning the right to lead his people as king:

Teleporting to a place where a hyper-intelligent gorilla has just won a fight to the death and that same gorilla is covered in the blood of his slain father? Adrenaline running through his vicious veins? Barry just can’t get a break, can he?

This Week’s Contributors were:
Matthew – “AvX Vs” #1, “New Avengers” #25, “Secret Avengers” #26, “Uncanny X-Men” #11
Gil – “Aquaman” #8, “Green Lantern: New Guardians” #8, “Flash” #8

Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.