The conclusion of Grant Morrison’s first “Action Comics” ended just about how one might have expected – very strangely. As Superman and the Human/Coluan Centipede of John Corben and Brainiac traded punches, Luthor tried to explain to Lois Lane that Brainiac was trying to save them all, while Mr. Glenmorgan kept taking pills and babbling about little men. You know, typical Morrison stuff. Our hero and the big bad continued fighting, and in the process Clark’s swanky new battlesuit changed to a variety of different colors – each one probably a reference to separate obscure Superman stories that will later be essential to the climax of this run. Corben had a brief moment where he gained control of his body, and distracted Brainiac long enough for Clark to reach into the cracked-open bottle of Metropolis and grab something supposedly powerful enough to threaten the alien intelligence.
Jesus, Clark, what’s wrong with you? Forcing others into slavery does not give you any moral high ground over those who kill, whether or not they’re fleshy. Sure enough, the item Superman pulled out turned out to be the rocket he had arrived to Earth in, which was somehow able to reprogram Brainiac into a Kryptonian-speaking slavebot after being flicked through his head. Yeah. The rest was pretty normal in comparison: Clark got his job at the Daily Planet, as well as the key to the city, and flew off to his new Fortress of Solitude – Brainiac’s former ship. Gee, you don’t think that will ever be used against his advantage, do you?
“Daredevil” #10.1 opened with Matt doing his lawyer thing, visiting a client in a metahuman correctional facility. He was first met, though, with a slightly rude greeting.
You see, it’s clever because that’s the tagline of the comic. After the typical .1 two-page “here’s who I am and what I do,” we learned that the client in question was a certain Pyromania, a washed up supervillain who had tried and failed to take out Murdock some days earlier. In order to keep Nolan’s powers under control, he had been placed in a stifling hot one second, freezing cold the other cell with constantly blaring speakers – in other words, the ideal place for someone with heightened senses like Matt – and Nolan had protested that this was cruel and unusual punishment. Nolan went into his version of the story, while Matt replayed the situation in his head; naturally, the difference between the two stories was that Nolan claimed to be kicking Daredevil’s ass before being caught. Believing Matt to be a helpless blind man, Nolan turned on his own attorney and admitting to him that the reason he had attacked him in the first place was to steal the Omega Drive for the Hellfire Club. You can bet that played out well for him.
After once again beating the hell out of Pyromania off camera, Matt figured he had finally had enough, and crashed a meeting between representatives of the five organizations listed on the Omega Drive, calling them out for their incompetence and their indecisiveness. But that’s not all: Matt revealed that he had given all of the data on Black Spectre to the authorities, causing the organization’s complete collapse. Because the loss of Black Spectre will completely shake the foundations of Marvel, am I right? Sounds like its time for a crossover!
Chaos and confusion reigned in “Amazing Spider-Man” #683, wherein the UN and some highly respected real-world scientists and environmentalists – such as Steven Hawking and Al Gore – agreed that they should let Doctor Octopus use his technology to fix the problem of global warning. That is, until the Avengers busted in, led by – who else? – Spider-Man. With no other evidence besides “He’s evil!” Pete spoke against Octavius’s plans, until Al Gore promptly called shenanigans. Pete’s response?
Hey, someone had to do it! It wasn’t actually Gore, though, but the Chameleon in disguise. I’ll admit, Slott got me there, but probably because I was distracted by one of the most beautifully ridiculous panels I’ve ever seen. In space, Tony tried to trace Otto’s signal back to Earth as soon as he turned the heat back on, but the plan failed; Ock used a different frequency, this time filtering out the UV rays of the sun! Oh n– wait a minute, that’s a good thing. To be honest, I want Ock to be wholly on the level, and Spider-Man an idiot for trying to stop him, but that certainly isn’t going to be the case. Anyway. Over at Horizon Labs, the team tried to offer their collective brainpower to the matter, but Jameson pulled the plug on their operation because he was still annoyed about them putting his son in danger in the previous arc – just a reminder: they didn’t. The rest of the issue was essentially a throwdown between the Avengers and the Sinister Six, after the former team tracked the Chameleon back to the latter, with the Avengers jobbing to all of them due to items of convenience that were located at the beginning of the issue. Will they ever get out of this one? Probably.
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| That civilian is quite possibly the only one with sense in the Marvel Universe |
Over in AvX, there’s a completely contrived TOTALLY legit reason for the two teams to go head to head. It turns out the Phoenix Force is heading for Earth with a fixation on Jean Grey Hope Summers. Of course the Avengers, being the thoughtful individuals they are, decided to let the X-Men know they were taking Hope into custody for her own protection. From the Phoenix.
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| No it’s not. |
Not because Cyclops was training her to fight by shooting her with optic blasts and kicking her when she’s down, but because the Phoenix may just be interested in her as a person.
There was a whole lot of talking and Cap consulted Wolverine, who was clearly torn because he’s both an X-Man AND an Avenger, see. There’s no way this will come back to haunt anyone.
This all started because some dude pretending to be Nova crashed into New York with a dire warning that had to be heeded. The Phoenix Force is coming! It’s coming y’all!
All of this urgency was enforced by the fact that just before he hit Earth, the new Nova went on and on about how much he loved the Cardinals and dubstep. Saving the world one doubled bassriff at a time, man; that’s what he does.
ANYWAY, onto characters that matter: Scott and Steve had a big pissing contest over who knew what was best for Hope, and by extension the whole world. They measured dicks for a while until Cyke blasted Cap in the Optic Blast Heard ‘Round the World.
Then Cap assembled the Avengers to invade Utopia to kidnap a single girl.
And look who was on the Helicarrier.
Dick.
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| You always did have a way with words, Hank. |
Speaking of that dick, “Wolverine and the X-Men” featured the return of everyone’s favorite evil Wolverine, Sabretooth, to the pages of an X-Men title. Contracted by the Hellfire Clubhouse Kids to take out the Jean Grey School for some unknown reason other than the fact they are little hellions that are the perfect argument for abortions.
They send Sabretooth to the SWORD installation to kill Abigail Brand in order to “destroy the heart of the
X-Men.” The heart being Dr. McCoy, AKA the Beast. A pretty epic battle ensued, and it ended with McCoy jumping from one pylon of the station to another WITHOUT A SPACE HELMET to beat up Victor Creed enough so Abby can shoot him in the face. How do you feel about that Sabretooth?
I know how you feel.
In the end, Hank and Abby wipe the floor with Victor, but it looks like they’ll be mopping mutant viscera off of the SWORD deck for a while:
Meanwhile, at the school, Logan rolls around the school in a wheelchair because his legs are so mangled he can’t walk. Boy that sounds familiar. Before his little battle with Creed, Beast suggested they ask Magneto for help, to which Logan responded with a verbal middle finger to Hank. Because he’s a dick.
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| A guy who can control manetic fields? IT’S A MIRACL–oh |
Not to be outdone by the teachers, the students, led by new kid Angel (I don’t get it either) go back to the casino Logan and Quentin Quire AKA Kid Omega went to, to essentially perform the galaxy’s greatest stick up. All to prove to Logan that miracles exist. How thoughtful.
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| Fuckin’ Magnets, how do they work? |
Some of those aliens even tried to talk trash to Genesis about Kansas.
Evan did me proud, as a Superman fan. Kansas KIND of does suck, though.
But now the Hellfire Brats want to take out the students. I feel like this is a “Very Special Episode” waiting to happen.
This Week’s Contributors were:
Walt – “Action Comics” #8, “Daredevil” #10.1, “Amazing Spider-Man” #683
Gil – “Avengers vs. X-Men” #1, “Wolverine and the X-Men” #8
Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
