Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
“Spider-Island” kicked off (for real, this time) in The Amazing Spider-Man #667, wherein a bunch of spider-powered goons caused mayhem in the streets of New York City while dressed as your friendly neighborhood… oh, whatever his name is. While this was going on, Carlie told Peter the #1 thing boyfriends everywhere dread hearing: “I have spider-powers.” Mary Jane was attacked by some of the thugs, but thankfully she was… wait a minute…
Okay, does nobody else see something incredibly wrong with this picture? Looks to me like MJ was saved from being sexually assaulted only to be… well, sexually assaulted. I know he just saved her, but that still just seems unnecessary. Is it only me? It is? Okay, moving on, then.
Oh, and Spider-Man got the tar beaten out of him by fellow Avengers that couldn’t tell him apart from everyone else. You’d think that Avengers would have some kind of protocol for telling originals from impostors, and you’re probably right, but I figure they have just wanted to beat said tar out of him for a while, and so they “forgot” to tell him said protocol in case the situation ever presented itself. Moving on for real, this time.
At the same time, in Cloak & Dagger #1, Cloak and Dagger were evicted from the old church they had been crashing in. We also learned that Cloak enjoys Eggo waffles. He does not, however, enjoy being used as the designated superhero transport, but it happened anyway. In the middle of the fight with the aforementioned Spider-Flunkies, Dagger realized she had a date she had to get to – a date with higher learning – and left mid-battle. We also learned that Dagger is destined to kill Mr. Negative – providing the guy that gave him this bit of prophecy doesn’t stereotype him to death first.
In Batman & Robin #26, Robin was turned to glass and shattered, Batman was split down the middle, and Nightrunner melted. This, of course, was all a hallucination caused by some villains that had been freed from France’s equivalent of Arkham Asylum. The man who set them free turned out to be a Joker-wannabe with daddy issues that called himself The Man Who Laughs. So, you know, he was a derivative of both a derivative and the source that the derivative was derivative of. You follow me, right?
In the feel-good comic of the year, Detective Comics #881, James Jr. stabbed Barbara’s legs with two knives, so that if they were pulled out she would bleed out to death. Ah, sibling rivalry. James gave Dick a ring on the phone to let him know what he had done, and that he had known about both him and Bruce for a long time. While he was doing this, Barbara crawled off, and when James found her she had pulled out one of the knives and used it to stab him in the eye. Before he could kill her, though, Dick showed up, having placed a tracer on James when they first reconnected out of costume. Venture Brother moment, anyone? Anyway, Dick had to stop and cauterize Barbara’s wounds, allowing James to escape out the window… until his dad shot him once in each leg, kinda hampering his efforts. In the end, it was hinted that Gordon has known about Bruce and Dick’s alternate identities for a some time. Imagine that, him being the best cop in Gotham for a long time. It was also hinted that maybe all of Gotham’s current newborns could grow up to be sociopathic murderers. Again, feel-good stuff!
Continued belowIn New Avengers #15, Squirrel Girl fought off a bunch of mecha-Nazis to get to and protect Jessica Jones and Luke Cage’s baby. I don’t know about you, but there was no dramatic tension for me, seeing as I already knew that she could kick Dr. Doom’s ass. An the scale of difficulty, Doom is much more powerful than a legion of Nazi robots. Any comic fan knows this. Also, it was revealed that these Nazi robots had the uncanny ability to look copied and pasted when they were all going in the same direction. I’m not sure the tactical applications of this are, but you never know.
Batgirl ended at issue #24, with Steph confronting her father, who then drugs her. No, not like that you sickos. While tripping out, she hallucinates all sorts of alternative stories, such as the Bat-Family getting different lantern rings — can you guess what Damian’s was? — and her taking over the Nightwing mantle and training a younger, black Batgirl. Clearly she was on drugs, because there’s no way those stories would sound good to anyone sober, am I right, guys?
…wait, shit, no I’m not. Get back here, Miller, where do you think you’re going?
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit. That being said, massive brops (they’re props, but for bros) to Matt Meylikhov for giving me five synopses even though I only ended up using one (Batgirl).
