Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance, but I figure that you could figure that out.
“Before Watchmen: Dr. Manhattan” began this week, so you know what that means: just like the other “Before Watchmen” titles before it, the vast majority of the first issue was information we already know, this time with a lot of psuedo-philosophical babble thrown in. And speaking of psuedo-_______, a lot of attention was given to the Schroedinger’s Cat view on quantum mechanics, and the belief that all realities exist until one of them actually happens. Which is strange, because — at least in the world of “Watchmen,” though maybe not our own world — there is only one reality, and Dr. Manhattan knows that better than anyone else. I am shocked and appalled that something in this whole fiasco wasn’t handled with delicacy and care! At least this issue has the decency to give us a true hook at the end, rather than just fizzle out: in this case, Dr. Manhattan has gone back in time to before his creation, and in doing so he has somehow stopped that creation from happening. Fine, that’s a fun little pitch Mr. JMS, but you really don’t need to keep repeating the phrase “box” — we get it, just because you never mention Schroedinger or his even more famous cat doesn’t mean that you aren’t familiar with the concept. So is every kid over twelve who fancies him-or-herself “smart.” Besides, we all know that “what’s in the box” is the head of Officer Mills’s wife. Sure, Fincher doesn’t show it, but that’s what makes the scene so good. Just because we don’t see it doesn’t mean there’s even the slightest chance that it isn’t in there. Think the top at the end of Inception: sure, we don’t see it fall but… sorry, got a bit off topic there.
You totally didn’t read “Batman Incorporated” #3 when it was leaked a month ago? Good, because I didn’t either! Honest! This month’s issue began with a creepy prelude showcasing how hopeless a fight against Leviathan would be: they could be found in Gotham’s schools, law enforcement, courts, and who knows where else. They’re like the [Editor’s note: What have I told you about the casual racism, Walt?] Meanwhile, in a shady Gotham bar, a criminal named Small Fry met with a man who had been missing on the Gotham streets for quite some time. That’s right, assholes, Matches Fuckin’ Malone is back. I just don’t get why Bruce is ever Batman when he can be the total badass that is Matches, but then I remember that Bruce doesn’t like fun. I guess that explains that. And you can guess what our main man was asking about: Leviathan. He didn’t get anywhere, of course, but a scene was made when who should appear to chew Matches out but… Batman? Wha-huh? Cut to the Batcave, though, where we soon learned that, yes, Bruce was Matches, but Dick was the Bat-man in this case, in an attempt to throw off any suspicion. We also learned that Damian was alive and well — a total shock — but Bruce was keeping him under wraps so that the criminal population believe him deceased.
Bruce, you can’t expect me to believe you when you make that face. On his way out, Bruce got a call from a damsel in distress he knew as Matches. Come on, Bruce, you aren’t actually going to believe that when the entire city is practically in Leviathan’s clutches, are you? Yes, you are, and you’re going to walk into a mock trial where you will be captured unawares and sentenced to hang. Good thing your punk of a son never listens and is going to come to your rescue under a different alias, isn’t it?
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Too bad his fashion sense is lacking.
The newest “Amazing Spider-Man” story, ‘Alpha,’ began in issue #692, and introduced young Mr. Andy Maguire, a high school social outcast much like Peter Parker and comics fans everywhere. Also like Peter, and less like guys like you and me, Andy experienced an accident while visting a scientific laboratory on a field trip — this time, the lab in question was Horizon, and the malfunctioning invention was a clean energy generator that tapped into the very fabric of reality created by Peter Parker, and Andy became a nigh godlike being with super-strength, flight, energy projection, and all those other standards, rather than a dude with spider-powers. That’s just a superficial difference between him and Peter, though: the big one is that his newfound powers led Andy to become a total jerk. Seriously, this kid’s insufferable and prone to showing off. Can you blame him, though, when Horizon’s response to “Gee, we may have just turned this child into a ticking timebomb” is “Let’s make him our mascot!” Still, he’s better than that goddamn “Wheee”-ing pig that Geico has. Deemed Peter’s responsibility, Andy — otherwise known as Alpha — was shown the ropes of superheroing. When told to stand back, though, when a major threat appears — really, Giganto is a major threat? — Alpha succeeds in seconds where Spidey and the Fantastic Four had been struggling in knocking the beast out, calling out “It’s clobberin’ time!” Something about that just doesn’t seem right…
Thankfully, the epilogue revealed that Alpha’s antics had attracted The Jackal’s attention, so hopefully he will mess this kid up so bad that no one will want to pay attention to him ever again, like you did with ‘The Clone Saga.’ One can only hope.
This week in Avengers fighting X-Men sees but one tie-in, ‘Uncanny X-Men’ #17, and it features only X-Men who are not fighting Avengers. In fact, this tie-in to the event is so loose that you’d hardly think they were related, and if not for the inclusion of the Phoenix Five you’d imagine the “AvX” banner could be done away with entirely.
So what happens? Well, Storm, Magneto, Danger and Psylocke break into Sinister’s compound to free the Phoenix Five, who have been contained by Sinister and his Madelyn Pryors, all of whom have stolen a piece of the Phoenix force from the Phoenix Five (say that five times fast) for Sinister’s use. This is his victory, so he says, even if it is an ultimately hollow and short-lived one. The strike team invades the city and do battle against the Pryors, who take Magneto hostage and use him as a weapon against the X-Men. However, Psylocke is able to step up her game and save the day due to the fact that she is a ninja. Don’t believe me? Here:
See? Ninja beats Phoenix-Powered Magneto-Wielding Psycho Clone.
The defeat of the Pryor in this situation causes a distraction to Sinister, which in turn allows Emma Frost to reconnect mentally with the Phoenix, and in doing so she convinces the Phoenix to return to the Phoenix Five, who then destroy all of the Pryors, laugh at Sinister and then burn him and his city to the ground, effectively wiping out his “species.” Or, in other words, committing genocide. But it’s ok, because it was genocide against a system/virus/evil guy.
Of course, in the beginning of the issue Sinister sets some of his drones to play Edward Elgar’s “Nimrod” to be the orchestra for the final fight. Here it is, in all it’s beauty:
It’s a wonderful piece, and depending how fast you read it actually syncs up quite well with the issue, with the final swell matching beautifully towards the revenge of the Phoenix and Sinister’s death. Of course, the downside to this is that it basically shows that you bought a $3.99 20-page comic and read it under five minutes. But hey, take the good with the bad, right?
This Week’s Contributors were:
Walt – “Before Watchmen: Dr. Manhattan” #1, “Batman Incorporated” #3, “Amazing Spider-Man” #692
Matt – “Uncanny X-Men” #17
Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, we’ll give you credit.
