Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance, but I figure that you could figure that out.
The second issue of “Before Watchmen: Ozymandius” followed Veidt as he tried to track the drugs that killed his lady lover back to the source, adopting the moniker that gives this mini its name. Ozymandius, that is, not Watchman or anything silly like that. After patrolling the streets for a few nights, Ozy found a promising lead, a drug dealer who wasn’t particularly inconspicuous. How come they’re never around when I’m looking for them. For, uh, crime-fighting reasons, of course. So what do you think happened? If you guessed “Adrian beat the guy up and got the information after a relatively tame interrogation,” you’re correct! This Before Watchmen really is breaking ground for the superhero genre. Finding himself in the distrbutor’s warehouse, Adrian observed his surroundings before making his presence known with his signature line:
Wait a minute, that’s Midnighter’s signature line! Well, since this is only the second issue, you can imagine that this conflict went smoothly, which it did, and that this was Ozy’s first time being revealed to the public, which it was. Having been labeled as the latest costumed crime fighter, Ozy found it necessary to learn more about this new subculture he had inadvertantly become a part of, and soon became obsessed with the mystery of Hooded Justice’s disappearance. When investigating the last place the OG superhero was seen, though, Veidt found at that he wasn’t the only one on the lookout for the anti-Klansman.
Alright: 1) That looks fucking weird. 2) God damn it all not more “clever” wordplay about the Comedian’s name.
(Joke referring to the miniseries being a sign that Marvel is selling-out/out of ideas here), “Spider-Men” #4 was the big tear-jerker of the series. Or, at least, it was supposed to be. Thankfully, Peter didn’t try to get with the younger, goth-ier alternate-reality Gwen, and was even nice enough to not tell her “Hey! You’re dead in my world, and I failed to save you!” What a nice guy. As similar emotionally-driven issues — especially those by the man people love to hate, Brian Michael Bendis — not much happened that was really relative to the plot: all that really happened was that Peter and Miles were called on by Fury to get back to work, Miles found out where Mysterio was hiding by identifying an object in the one of his YouTube videos (Seriously? Not a single S.H.I.E.L.D. super-spy could figure that out?), and the two Spider-Men headed off with Iron Man and Thor to put an end to Mysterio’s cross-dimensional meddling. If it took an entire issue for all of this to happen, how in the hell is this going to conclude in one issue?
Do you remember that one girl who saved Batman’s life during the ‘Night of the Owls’ crossover, only to be bitched at? Well, “Batman” #12 was her secret origin, of sorts. Miss Harper Row is a young, technically-inclined lady who, after her and her brother were saved from thugs who wanted to beat her brother for being gay — I thought comics were about escapism (/sadjoke) — by the Batman, decided it was time to start helping him out. By installing a series of signal-boosting antennas in the various camera-killing boxes Bats had set up around town, Harper was able to fix up some flaws in Bruce’s design, creating a sort of backup system were his to fail. Of course, there was more to it:
Because if there’s one thing Bruce likes, it’s being watched. Being the stubborn, independent lady that she is, Harper went off to fix the sewer’s offline box, but soon found herself right in the middle of a skirmish between Batman and his most ferocious villain: Tiger Shark! He, by the way, gets the best line of the week:
Harper thought quickly and diverted some of the sewer’s water, causing Tiger Shark’s boat to run aground. Sure, she saved Batman’s life, but did she get any thanks? Of course not. Grumpy old Bruce gave her his signature “I am the night, and I work alone!” routine, but you’d be crazy to think that will stop her in the future (especially since this is a flashback issue, and we already saw her rescue Bruce again in ‘Night of the Owls’).
This week in “AvX,” we only had one tie-in: “New Avengers” #29. It doesn’t offer much in the ways of — .. well, anything really. But hey, if you’re into what Bendis has been doing on the Avengers and really like his Illuminati concept, then have we got news for you!
The issue opens with Captain America calling a meeting of the Illuminati, the secret group that has been manipulating important Marvel events from behind the scenes, to hopefully bring all of the Avengers fighting X-Men nonsense to an end. It is Cap’s belief that, due to his personal connection with Namor via their collective Nazi battling from WWII, he and the rest of the Illuminati can bring an end to all of the violence. All of the Illuminati (sans Blackbolt) arrive, all of whom admit that Cap’s efforts are basically futile. Xavier sounds particularly exasperated, because he feels like a failure as a father. (Humorously enough, Xavier feels zero guilt over his failure as a father to his actual son.)
The meeting essentially falls apart as soon as it begins, as no one believes that Namor will arrive. Xavier storms out in disgust at himself, Reed Richards saunters out basically absolving himself of the entire ordeal, Strange magics away using magical magicness and Tony — amidst various quips and sass to seemingly lighten the otherwise dark mood — strolls off to go be suave or something somewhere. Seeing as Tony has been 90% useless during this event, having caused the birth of the Phoenix Five, he probably has better things to do.
Just as Cap has lost all hope, he sees Namor’s reflection in his shield. Apparently Namor had waited until everyone had left assuming this was some kind of trap. Namor stands in front of Cap, abs glistening in the moody light of the abandoned room of Funtime, Inc, absolutely immersed in what can only be describe as “gangnam style.” Cap attempts to plead to Namor’s abs for solidarity and a peaceful resolution, but Namor is having none of it. Bringing his open palm to Cap’s cheek, he whispers tenderly that there is no way to avoid the oncoming war, but here, in this private moment, the two of them might find a way to put differences behind for just a night before things go to far. Reluctantly and with nervous trepidation, Cap begins to unbuckle his belt buckle as Namor pulls him close and —
— Wait. No, that’s from my fan fic. I apologize! Sometimes I forget where I am. In actuality, Namor tells Cap to shove it, makes a sassy remark about how much more fun World War II was, and the end. Bleak, bleak, bleak. And that is the last time that Bendis will write the Illuminati during his run of the Avengers.
This Week’s Contributors were:
Walt – “Before Watchmen: Ozymandius” #2, “Spider-Men” #4, “Batman” #12
Matt – “New Avengers” #29
Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, we’ll give you credit.