Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
Both the Post-Crisis and Flashpoint DC Universes came to a close in Flashpoint #5, the finale of DC’s latest summer event. The twist? It was all Barry’s fault, not Zoom’s. Apparently Barry had decided to change history and bring his mother back, no matter the temporal ramifications. It wasn’t a butterfly effect sort of thing, though; Barry just ran so fast that he changed reality. As such, he didn’t remember his actions. No, I didn’t see the twist coming, but that’s because… well, it was kind of stupid. After telling Barry all of this, Zoom proceeded to beat the stuffing out of him, since Barry’s meddling had made Thawne no longer rely on Barry’s existence. And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for that meddling Batman. Thomas Wayne was able to knife Zoom in the back while he was monologuing – clearly, the good professor didn’t watch The Incredibles. Or any of the other movies that have employed this device before. Or read any comics. Or have any fucking common sense. Barry then attempted to stop himself from causing all of this in the first place, and in the process he learned from a mysterious cloaked figure that someone had purposefully separated the DC, Wildstorm, and Vertigo Universes so they couldn’t stand together and defeat… whoever it was that separated them. Now, we’re supposed to believe that the DCnU is the result of these universes coming back together due to, again, Barry running really fast, but do you want to know the real reason? At the end, Barry appeared in the Batcave and gave Bruce a letter from the alternate-reality Thomas, and Bruce cried. Clearly, the DCU just couldn’t continue after that.
Phew. Moving on.
The DCnU began in the pages of Justice League #1. It was basically the Green Lantern issue of All-Star Batman & Robin: The Boy Wonder, only with less goddamns and yellow paint, and more aliens. Bruce and Hal had a kind of team-up against a Parademon of Apokolips, who self-destructed after planting something akin to a Motherbox in the sewers. Thinking that this could be connected to that alien guy in Metropolis, the two headed that way, only for Hal to put Bruce in a big box and go take care of Superman himself. Of course, Hal got his ass kicked. By the way, for those of you who didn’t think Hal was going to be any different in the DCnU, take note: he now speaks in the third-person.
The better summer event (What? It started in the summer) continued in Amazing Spider-Man #668, the second part of “Spider-Island.” After getting slapped around by his Avenging friends, Peter realized how he could do his part without confusing anybody: fight in his civvies! And not just that; he could get others that had been “infected” and weren’t selfish hooligans to help out. And he did. And they did! Now Pete has an easier way to keep lying to his girlfriend. After taking out the trash, Pete web-swung with Carlie to work, where he talked briefly with Reed Richards about the epidemic. Meanwhile, Anti-Venom “cured” one of the new Spider-Men, while Madame Web watched in the background and prophesied that either he or Venom were going to die. My money is on the one with an excellent ongoing to his name. After meeting up again, Pete and Carlie went off to investigate the last place Miles Warren had been seen, only to find out it was deserted. Which, of course, means it wasn’t really.
Continued belowIn Greg Pak’s finale for Incredible Hulks, we return to find Bruce and Betty being left in the Dark Dimension by Doctor Strange to live happily and violently ever after. Unfortunately, due to a goof up with the Wishing Machine, Fin Fang Foom ends up back in our reality with Amadeus Cho. Using SCIENCE!, Rick Jones and Jennifer Walters are re-powered, but are too overpowered to be controlled, and subsequently end up wrecking havoc. Doctor Strange is forced to wish Bruce and Betty back into our reality to defeat Fin Fang Foom and uber-A-Bomb and uber-She-Hulk, but both come back over-powered, with Betty going insane due to it. Hulk is left to wish everyone to safety, and when the dust clears everyone that had gamma powers is now able to use them safely (i.e. Betty isn’t stuck as Red She-Hulk anymore, Rick can change between being A-Bomb and Rick Jones without killing himself). However, they see that Hulk is still Hulk, and with the last second possible, Betty wishes Hulk to have the ability to turn back into Bruce, and there is a blinding flash of light!!!! — … only to reveal the Hulk still standing there. And that’s when everyone realizes: Oh. Bruce Banner and the Hulk really are the same shitty person. And Hulk walks off. Cue sad walking away music.
In the epilogue, Amadeus finds Banner in a diner trying to be alone and attempts to convince Bruce that he’s not as bad of a person as he thinks he is. Banner denies this and goes outside to hitchhike, but a car pulls up with a familiar face. It’s Betty. Yay! The two reunite and are finally able to go be Hulks In Love, as seen in Fear Itself.
In Ultimate Hawkeye #1, we find Clint in Bangkok as we saw him in Ultimate Comics Ultimates #1, now from his side. He is attacked by a new breed of mutant! Zut alors!!!! As it turns out, since the US Government manufactured mutants in the first place (in Ultimate Origins), they ended up creating an arms race without knowing it, and the evil not-Kim-Jong-Il Kim Jong Il analogue and his scientists are making their own mutants over in Bangkok. We’re given a flashback in which we learn that they’ve developed a virus to depower current mutants, as well as a formula to create new loyalist mutants, and when Clint finds out, Nick Fury tells him to go destroy the virus, get the antidote, and find the new serum. Mondays, am I right?
Secret Avengers #16 was an awesome one-and-done that doesn’t rely on continuity and (probably) won’t have much of an impact on continuity. If you really want to know what happened, read it.
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit. That being said, thanks to Matt for the Incredible Hulks and Ultimate Hawkeye write-ups.
