This April, issue #1 of Avengers vs X-Men hits and promises to change the landscape of the Marvel Universe just one more time. A lot of plotlines will be tied off and paid off with this series. On top of all that, a 12 issue maxi-series called VS will run along side the main series and promises to provide out and out fights between your favorite X-Men and Avengers members.
This got me thinking: What matches will we most certainly not see during this event? What matches wouldn’t sell books per se, but yet would still be awesome?
Click that jump! Click it!
Let’s look at the tale of the tape:
Fighting out of the X-Men corner we have Maggott whose slugs, Eeny and Meany, consume shit then report back to his belly and feed him. After he feeds he can essentially hulk the fuck out and his skin turns an off shade of blue. Maggott was an X-Man who was downgraded from the main team to Generation X and then after only one issue disappeared until he was killed in the Neverland Ranch. Pretty bum deal for a great character. Recently the character reappeared during Necrosha and I personally choose to think he’s one of those mutants still kicking it out there and is biding his time for an epic return.
Fighting out of the Avengers corner we have D-Man a former pro wrestling champion who obtained his powers from the Power Broker. These powers make him crazy awesome at everything. His agility, strength, stamina are all increased and in full force. D-Man’s origin is an insanely 80’s WWF origin, on speed, but the best part is the characters inability to choose which fanboy fantasy to run with, Daredevil or Wolverine? So what’s the big lug to do? Why not do a combo outfit?! Recently he has was seen as part of Wonder Man’s super mort squad that got busted out like punks in the Avengers Annual.
And the winner is…
MAGGOTT by KO! If you thought anyone else was going to win this you are nuts and clearly haven’t spent enough time at this site. How would he win? Well, he’d hit KFC with the Dallas Maverick’s Delonte West and Eeny and Meany would gobble it all up and then he’d be fighting mad/strong. D-man would then have no chance. At the end of the fight West and Maggott would stand over D-Man and West would spit his notoriously awesome KFC rap.
X-Men 1, Avengers 0
Fighting out of the Avengers corner we have U.S. Agent. He is a former Captain America rip-off who after years of being not crippled continuously now is crippled and is getting more attention from Marvel, as a member of the Thunderbolts, than he has gotten in years.
Continued belowAnd the winner is…
Xavier starts the fight by using his mutant power to try and mess with U.S. Agent’s ability to cope with the overwhelming nature of his inability to use his legs. Having dealt with this for years Xavier knows the weak spots and goes for it. U.S. Agent fights Xavier back just enough to shoot him. The bullet lodges in Xavier’s spine and Xavier finds himself crippled yet again.
Xavier in excruciating pain calls out for his X-Men but they are too busy ignoring the hell out of him to come help. On the other hand U.S. Agent puts a call out to the Thunderbolts who also ignore him because he’s “the man” with the leash. With neither side having reinforcements to back them up U.S. Agent realizes he has more bullets so he shoots Xavier until he’s dead enough that a Shiar body transplant won’t be able to bring him back.
X-Men 1, Avengers 1
Fighting our of the Avengers corner we have Tigra who gained her powers from the mystical Cat People (No wonder it’s hard to bring new readers in who take us serious). She has strength, agility, and a predilection for only wearing her beachwear into battle. Oh and she is furry as shit, like a cat. Currently she is a teacher over at the Avengers Academy.
And the winner is…
Tigra comes across Hepzibah raiding a catnip factory and jumps into action to stop her. A fierce catfight breaks out with claws bared and teeth gnashing. Hepzibah finally gets the upper paw and slams Tigra into a large batch of catnip. After both heroes make it to their feet they find they no longer want to fight. They just want to run and jump on things.
The fight quickly takes another turn when S.H.I.E.L.D. agents arrive to halt the fight with laser pointed guns and it quickly turns into a game of, “Ha! Look at these cat chicks chasing the lasers on the walls!”. This event is recorded by an agent on their iPhone and uploaded to YouTube where it becomes an Internet sensation.
In this case the winners are the denizens of the interwebs.
X-Men 1, Avengers 1, YouTube Subscribers 1
X-Men 1, Avengers 1, YouTube Subscribers 1, Nobody 1
Well, there you have it! The top fights you will NOT see in AvX this summer. Any of these you’d actually like to see? I know there are a couple I would drop some cash to see. Catch ya later, fanpeeps!
