Uh-oh, Sex Crims! It seems the pilot for the TV adaptation of Matt Fraction and Chip Zdarsky’s sex romp has gone limp! Fearing backlash from the explicit content that comprises 90% of “Sex Criminals,” Universal Television has pulled the plug on the recently wrapped pilot.
“Frankly, we just couldn’t wrap our heads around the premise. There was a whole bunch of sex and the girl was even enjoying herself. We can’t allow that kind of content on our network. You know what they say: if she’s screaming, she better be bleeding!” said Robert Greenblatt, chairman of NBC Entertainment.
When asked for comment, “Sex Criminals” co-creator Chip Zdarsky was livid. “I spent days filming that pilot. Writing, directing, producing, lighting, acting! I fucked myself on camera! Do you know how hard that is?” Zdarsky told Multiversity Comics after I whispered his name three times into a mirror. “Golly, how can this NBC shuck turn us down when he has the perfect SexCrims name? Bobby Greenblatt… Can I borrow your phone? I have to call Matt.”
On speaker phone with Chip, Matt Fraction refused to give any comment save for sensibly chuckling from his money pit while reminding us about his hilarious nipple ring.
Though HBO turned down the Brimpin’ Boys, causing other networks like AMC and TLC to back away from the show’s explicit content, there may be some hope in the form of children’s television. Nickelodeon has approached Team Sex Crims to produce a pilot for their Nick Jr. network with some changes that may upset hardcore “Sex Criminals” fans. For one, the show will now be called Cuddle Friends and feature two bears who stop time whenever they tickle each other, using this power to steal honey from bees. At the end of each episode, Jon Bear and Suzi Bear learn the error of their ways and get into a tickle party with all the forest creatures. Some characters in the comic who will make an appearance in the show include Friendly Gary, Snuggle Face, and Jazmine St. Cocaine.
“While I’m not too thrilled about starting from scratch again, I am excited about working in children’s television,” Zdarsky said while putting on a Garfield costume that came out of nowhere. “I feel like this is where I belong.”
In response to accusations among fans that he had “sold out”, Matt Fraction continued to chuckle over the phone as he slowly sank deeper and deeper into his money pit.
Cuddle Friends is expected to begin airing on Nick Jr. next spring. Word among the industry is that this collaboration between Nickelodeon and Image Comics will open the doors to projects like Witch Planet, The Nice + The Good, and Astronauts Love God.
