I don’t know how this happened. Somehow I ended up volunteering to review a movie that is only inspired by comics (or rather a TV show based on comics) that features a lot of graphic sex in it. It was hard to do, there were times where I thought the movie was spent, but it just kept on pounding away for two hours. But what did I think of this hard hitting flick? Check it out after the cut!
Vivid Entertainment, an adult film company is trying to attract new viewers to their movies. An unsung victim of the rise in internet piracy is the effect it is having on the porn companies, who let’s face it, is losing money hand over fist every year, so they have to come up with new ways to attract buyers. This movie is one of them
The movie’s plot starts simply enough. Bruce and Dick are playing four story chess (not to be confused with the Space Chess from Star Trek, this is four separate chess boards) when Bruce’s girlfriend entering the room and talking to them about this game. “It’s rudimentary,” Bruce says. She leaves the room and is summarily kidnapped by The Riddler in a pretty poorly set up scene (Wayne Manor doesn’t have better security, really?)
The Riddler leaves a ransom note for the heiress, which leads the Commissioner to call our heroes for assistance. After we meet our Commissioner Gordon and Batman and Robin learn of the plot, we cut to her in a jail cell, where she persuades The Riddler to give her a bigger room by fucking him.
Yeah, and that’s just about the first fifteen minutes. The rest of the movie follows along these lines, with each scene ending in improbably contrived sex scenes. But this is porn, right? So that’s allowed. What shouldn’t be allowed though is making your characters somehow unlikeable. Batman’s girlfriend sleeps with her kidnapper for a bed? OK. Batman AND Robin sleep with Catwoman for kicks? Hmmm…why are they all complete duochebags? OH, right, Porn.
But if we’re getting into the actual plot of the movie, there isn’t much of one. I sat down to watch it at 2AM and was initially put off by a near 2 hour runtime. But when you skip the “porn” and just focus on the story, it plays like a minisode of an Adam West Batman as opposed to an episode of Batman with sex in it. The actual plot takes up about fifteen minutes, so if you know your math, that’s 1 hour and 45 minutes of penetration.
Where this film actually won me over, however, was the exhaustive attention to detail in the movie. From beginning to end, you see the same sets; nearly identical costumes (with cute little X’s replacing the Batman and Robin symbols), similar dialogue (even though it is dirtier. Sample dialogue from The Clown Prince of Crime: “Make sure you SMILE while taking my LOAD.) and the biggest sixties style beehives you’ve ever seen. Even Randy Spears, the actor playing The Joker, has a Cesar Romero —homage moustache hiding under his thick Joker Paint. It’s things like that that made the movie start to resonate and make the nostalgia start to really come…together.
Even the acting, which could have been your standard porn non-acting (or Megan Fox acting, am I right people?) ends up being nearly pitch perfect with the original franchise. The Joker cackles as he attempts to kill Batman, Robin coins his trademark “Holy —insert adjective and verb here-“ lines left and right, and Batman gives that classic Adam West delivery. These actors actually acted in this film, and it was just a blast to watch. Finally, the actress who played Batgirl was absolutely adorable. I’m not sure if you can say that about a porn star (especially one who has dirty sex with Robin while on a stake-out in The Joker’s lair.) but she is. She is positively luminous in the role, and she looks like she’s having the most fun. Hell, the entire cast is having a ton of fun. And you can tell.
Overall, this is your average episode of Batman albeit with lots and lots of graphic sex involved. That may or may not be your thing, but I can tell you this, it was made by true fans of the franchise and it was a loving send-up of Adam West and crew.
And guess what? There wasn’t a really scratchy need-to-give-him-a-throat-lozenge-voice to distract you from the movie (Even though Batman gave a couple girls a throat lozenge of their own). If you happen to be into this sort of thing, you’ll eat it up. If you’re not, you might still want to check it out, just for old time’s sake. Just don’t expect a lot out of it.
Final Verdict — 6.5 – Rent
