Welcome back to our weekly review of TBS’s King of the Nerds. With one week left until the finale, we get what may be the most game-changing episode yet, we finally get our Purple Wedding. If you don’t know what that means, then be warned that this review will have vague spoilers for Game of Thrones as well as explicit ones for King of the Nerds itself. If you do know what The Purple Wedding is, then thanks for reading the books and not getting spoiled like I did.
1.) Free-For-All
After last week’s loss of Chris, the teams have been disbanded and it’s now an all-out battle royal for who will win. The tensions also turn up as everyone still has to act buddy buddy, especially Zack who talks about how everyone’s willing to stab each other for real. Normally that would just be a morbid joke but if this episode proved anything, I think blood will be spilled by the season’s end. What’s interesting to note here is that we’re only getting two weeks of a free-for-all since the finale’s next week. Considering how intense the contestants have been, that might be for everyone’s safety. Though some might be more passionate about the competition than others; Kayla’s confessional about how she’s taking off the kiddie gloves was either written by a producer or Kayla needs to spend more time sleeping and less time guarding her bedroom door against the mad prince Zack.
This week’s contest is “Nerdeo Kart” which somehow isn’t the worst pun of the week. It’s the laziest, yeah, but it’s not what makes me maddest. We’ll get to that soon. Very soon.
2.) Blue Shelled
As a result of what I can only assume is the full-on breakdown of reality at Nerdvana, the contest is revealed to be a straight up recreation of the light bike races from Tron complete with glowing costumes, though the bikes are replaced with karts. Honestly, it doesn’t look much like Tron but more like a level from Saint’s Row IV which is one of the hugest compliments I can give to anything, fictional or otherwise. Hopefully they’ll have the light trails and, considering there’s only episode left, I think blood might get spilled tonight.
Things don’t look so good in terms of body counts, as everyone cruises at a solid 20 mph until Zack, who has never driven a car before, kinda bumps into a wall. This continues with the other contestants for a while, especially Brian who falls dead last. Kayla on the other hand just cruises by as Xander straight up stops and makes sure people who crash are okay. He may not win the gold medal here, but he’s sure won a gold heart.
At the end of the race, Brian and Zack are trailing. Brian immediately (or with the power of editing) feels accepting about it while Zack complains about all the people who pumped into him like he’s me at a party. Kayla and Xander are then up for who’ll win first place. Kayla actually won in first but there’s bonus stars that could put Xander above Kayla and…. nope. The stars didn’t mean anything and Kayla wins anyway. Then she gives a really nice anecdote about her grandpa and gives part of her reward to Xander. Good on those two, being just really nice folks, even if the suspense was kinda for nothing. Hell of a commercial break though. Seriously, it’s been seven weeks and we need to discuss this goddamn monstrosity.
3.) This Goddamn Monstrosity
I know, we haven’t discussed Steaming Hot Little Caesar’s Pizza in a while but if tomorrow’s going to be the finale I think we should discuss something that all live viewers of King of the Nerds have absorbed into who they are. That Little Caesar’s “Five Dollar Combo Mambo” commercial plays roughly three times during every episode of King of the Nerds. It is maddening. By my reckoning I have watched this 30 second commercial at least twenty times which means I’ve spent seven minutes of my life learning the five dollar combo mambo. Truly, I’m baffled. I’m all for appropriating cultural stereotypes for businesses, Lucky Charms taught me more about my Irish heritage than the books my family told me to read that found their way into a corner of my childhood home for the past decade. Still, Little Caesar’s is reaching critical mass on stereotypes here. Pizza’s Italian so they have Caesar as their mascot, despite him being stabbed a couple centuries before the sweet taste of mozzarella on bread with toppings ever hit the fast food scene. Or before fast food in general, really. On top of that, there’s a Latin band of various ethnicities, one of whom is a small man hiding behind a $5 sign. Considering that the closest relation I can think of between these two cultures (Italian pizza and vaguely Latin music) is Taco Bell Mexican Pizza, I’m baffled as to why they’re selling a piece of cardboard shaped like it was formed in the same factory where tires were melted to make the cheese. Also, I’m confused as to why it’s next to a Mug root beer bottle. I’m not asking for much considering that this is a deal where I can buy a school cafeteria pizza at 11 AM, but if we’re just going to transport me back to 2005 wouldn’t a time machine be more fun at this point?
Continued belowHonestly, it’s not that bad a commercial. The song’s catchy and I’ve caught myself loudly singing it at people but I don’t know if that’s a sign of its “vitality” or an indicator that I’m terrible. Either way, the slasher-movie camera cuts in the commercial have burnt the images of every person in it onto my brain. I don’t know if it’ll ever make me go to a Little Caesar’s, but I’ve considered it as an integral to the King of the Nerds experience as the show itself. It may be a bit premature, but I just wanted to say goodbye Little Caesar’s. You five dollar combo mamboed your way into my heart.
4.) The Purple Balls Wedding
Back to the game, everyone spends a solid ten or so minutes conniving and trying to get Kayla to vote for anyone but them. Normally this would be pretty boring, buy Xander makes “Xanderbombs” which are a bunch of signs he left around the house that are just passive aggressive notes, basically. Kayla calmly explains that threatening to put bombs everywhere is NOT a good way to make friends and so Xander sighs that he “Leeroy Jenkinsed himself.” Sincerely, the look on Xander’s face when he realizes that comparing himself to Batman and his gambits while revealing he’s placed reminders of why you shouldn’t messed with him everywhere.
Thankfully, Kayla ends up choosing Zack and Jack which finally pits who could be considered the show’s two main villains against each other. Joffrey vs. Stannis! Jamie vs. Tywin! Roose Bolton vs. Gandalf! I’ve never actually watched Game of Thrones! The hosts reveal the nerd-off to be a game called “Angry Nerds” to which Zack, in his most relatable moment, just goes “oh.” Then he and Zack scream out Midas Touch Attack, high five and go to their battle. Their pretty lame battle.
Angry Nerds consists of Zack and Jack building a Angry Birds style wall housing several balls with their respective faces on and whoever tumbles the most balls first wins. Of note: they’re firing from the front instead of the side like the game. Of more note: there is literally nothing connected to Angry Birds aside from loose concept here which means that Angry Birds finally, FINALLY, found something they didn’t want to license out to. It’s sort of obvious why, not because everyone screams about aiming for each others balls or because no one even gets a hit for the first round, but because all the contestant faces have startling children laughs from them. Who were these children? Is this what the five dollar combo mambo really is?! WHAT ARE THEY LAUGHING AT? I hope it’s not the constant ball jokes because they just suck.
At least Zack’s not laughing because finally, after a weeks-long reign of destruction, Jack found a way to dethrone the Mad Prince. Joyous tears flow from children’s faces, the clouds part, Chris’s hand bursts forth from his grave to give a thumbs up… I think… I think everything’s going to be okay you guys.
5.) MVN/LVN
Most Valuable Nerd: Bite bite. Sip sip. That’s the five-dollar combo mambo.
Least Valuable Nerd: Honestly, Xander’s slipped a ton in this episode. Helping out people in need? Normally that’d be enough for me to call anyone a nerd (which paradoxically help them in this case) but laying traps for others? That’s insane. Also, that’s amazing and will probably lead to Xander becoming the de-facto villain now that Zack’s out of the picture. And since none of the Xanderbombs were actually found this week, next week’s bound to be a bit crazy, even without the possibility of someone stepping on a lego brick with a note attached that’s nothing but Xander giving a mean look. Sincerely cannot wait.
Feel free to watch the finale to King of the Nerds tonight at 10/EST on TBS and check out our review of that episode next week. Also, if anyone would like to tell me where to find a Little Caesar’s near NYC for investigate reasons, it’d be much appreciated.
