Finally, after weeks of mind-bending puzzles, bloody challenges, and dozens of boxes of steaming hot pizza, the King of the Nerds has finally been crowned. Join us as we go through the season finale and revel in the splendor of your new king.
1.) The Oncoming Storm
Now that Zack the false prophet from House Midas Touch Attack has been felled by his former brother-in-arms and RhymeZone match Jack, everyone performs the weekly tradition of drinking for the following week. Xander, who talks about how pumped he is to drink, takes that to heart waking up the next day and deciding to wear a traditional Yosakoi (Bing it) outfit.
Real talk? I’m digging it, unlike sourpuss Kayla who can’t seem to enjoy anything. The theme of not really enjoying anything will continue as we delve into what is, straight up, the laziest episode of King of the Nerds this season.
2.) Super Quiz-Bowl
The Hosts reveal that the Nerd War is just going to be a trivia contest. In the past we’ve had go-kart races, robot fighting contests, and someone actually kidnapped George Takei but for the finale we’re going to do exactly what my history teacher did whenever he wanted to kill a class day with “Review Jeopardy.” Again, this is a show that kidnapped Mr. Sulu and put him behind lasers and the grand finale is a freaking Quiz Bowl. I’m not saying that there should’ve been a sword fight or something but teasing Jack and Zack’s fencing skills is just unforgivable. I’m not asking for someone to be actually murdered on live air, but a compromise between that and “quiz bowl” would make a much more satisfying climax.
The Quiz goes exactly as excitedly as you’d expect. There’s categories for all types of subjects including “Comic Books” and “Memory.” Honestly, I have no idea how I feel about the fact that the “Brain Melter” comic question “Who was the inspiration for Watchmen’s Rorschach?” seemed really simple (I already spoiled the answer in this sentence) so now I’m considering going outside more often. Joining me outside will be Xander and Brian, who lose after Xander decides that the tie-breaker should be the “Brain Melter” math question, breaking the rule of never choosing math. Hopefully his RuneScape cosplay will keep him fulfilled as Jack and Kayla make it into the final two.
3.) All Around Me are Familiar Faces
Keeping in with last season’s tradition, and the tradition of basically all reality game shows, every nerd from the past season comes back for the finale. Some, like Josh, have been dearly missed. Others, like Zack, have been in the vents waiting. And even more, like Kelsey, I barely remember. However, I want to add on to that statement that Kelsey coming back to just kind of judge everyone is the second best part of this episode.
The best part of this episode comes after the hosts reveal what the final challenge is. After everyone got upset over how last season ended with a popularity contest (did people really get upset over that? I can’t remember anything about the last season and its winner aside from the fact she was murdered at the beginning of the season) the producers decided to make a final Nerdlimination (or something like that) round where past nerds can pledge themselves to Jack or Kayla and then help them out in a series of challenges. As everyone begins to pledge their allegiance to either Jack or Kayla, Kelsey sides with Jack and so he responds with a thank in Chinese. This leads to the best part I was talking about earlier.
Jack was literally right there. Anyone could’ve asked him after the show what he said but this editor’s got the same sense of motivation as a Little Caesar’s employee. I’m not even kidding when I say that I want to hang out with this guy. He came here to give a fuck and write some subtitles, and he’s all out of fucks.
4.) A Song of Ice and Word Searches
Speaking out of fucks: everyone. The final Nerd-Off (which in the past included zombies and a cage of body parts) is just Zack and Kayla standing at two rotating puzzles, playing Pac-Man, solving word searches, and other puzzles. I don’t know who decided that was a good way to complete a series that was built on ridiculous set pieces and challenges but I hope they can still get a day job as the entertainment director at the San Fresno Retirement Home.
Continued belowIn what is the most disappointing final challenge in reality TV history, Kayla wins. It’s not even that I’m disappointed Kayla won (although I wouldn’t have guessed her at first… or second…) it’s just that the final battle was just the busywork from my 5th Grade Gifted and Talented club. I can’t imagine who would be really invested in this type of thing, except Zack who is furious that it takes so long for Jack to tag him in.
And so… that’s it? Kayla just gets on the throne, everyone bows and… yeah that’s the end of the show.
I spent eight weeks documenting this show. Eight weeks exposing myself to Little Caesar’s Pizza. All for this. A word search. Can you imagine if Stannis became the true king of Westeros on Game of Thrones because he finished a word search the fastest? I can’t imagine that situation but oh I can imagine the riots.
5.) Ever After
So. We’ve now reached the anticlimactic end to King of the Nerds. It’s been a wild ride. A wild ride that stopped off at a Denny’s before dying of fatigue, facedown in the urinal. I don’t know what’s been won or lost (except for the $100,000 Kayla won, congrats to her) but maybe I have learned something. Maybe I’ve learned that nerds are people too. People that I should stop shoving into lockers and stealing romantic partners from while wearing my varsity jacket and screaming out the name of my high school football team.
Until the time comes when I can stop pounding geeks and setting fires at the local anime club, King of the Nerds will be a distant memory. If there comes a night where I stare into the polished reflection in my football and look back on who I am, then maybe King of the Nerds will go beyond being a fun-yet-forgettably-trashy reality show into a transformative lesson on how we should accept everyone in spite of their overwhelming differences, like tastes in pop culture. Until then, I’ll look up from my pigskin, throw on my Ed Hardy jacket, and ride my dad’s Honda off into the sunset on the horizon created by the lights of the Macklemore concert I got tickets to.
Goodbye, Nerds.
Goodbye.
