Welcome back to our weekly review of TBS’s reality series, The King of Nerds. This week, the laughter stops as we, as a planet, face our darkest hour. Prepare yourselves.
1.) Up for Debate
After Zack pulled off a hat trick last week and sacrificed his third victim, Nicole, who was crushed by ROBO-NERD our lord and savior. At this point it’s become ritual for everyone to drink every time Zack offs someone and the tradition is continued here. Also, Xander uses the women’s bathroom and freaks out Katie because everyone has to get crazier the denser the contestant crowd becomes. Even if Zack doesn’t booted off, we’re still gonna need some crazy folk to keep everything interesting. The executives thought to themselves as they slipped PCP into Xander’s Little Caesar’s Steaming Hot Pizza. My god. They could all be infected.
The hosts reveal that this week’s event is a repeat of last year’s debate. Though instead of discussing comics, we’re now talking the ages-old debate: Star Trek vs. Star Wars. By ages-old, I meant old…ages… because those things are for old people.
That’s my way of saying I have next to no attachment to either Star Wars or Star Trek so I can’t really enjoy anyone screwing up the way I did in last year’s debate when the phrase “Mark Millar’s The Dark Knight Returns” was uttered on national television. Katie’s a big fan of Star Wars though, as she demonstrates through her Slave Leia costume which… huh… Yeah, alright.
Anyway everyone gets into the three debates which are “Who’s a bigger threat: The Borg or The Empire?”, “Who would win in a dogfight: The USS Enterprise or The Millennium Falcon?”, and “Which universe is better: Star Trek or Star Wars hey Frank do you think the producers’ll notice if I make topic three lazier than usual? They’re about to throw out Robo-Nerd and I really wanna piss on him before he gets scrapped?” Everyone chooses topics, including Jack who reveals that he doesn’t know anything about either franchise. Before I’m able to high five him, breaking my television’s glass for the twelfth time since I discovered the existence of American Horror Story, Jack’s ignorance of these two series turns out to lead us to this show’s Red Wedding.
2.) Moral Event Horizon
Everything at the debate starts out pretty well. It’s in an actual auditorium with an actual audience with an actual debate professor from USC and actual person: Kumail Nanjiani. Why’s he here? Who cares, I love him. Also an actual person here: Billy Dee Williams who will never fail to remind everyone that he is in fact Lando Calrissian no matter what anyone says. Half of his feedback on the debates aren’t even about the points: they’re just about how he used to own the Millennium Falcon before he lost it to Han. What a genuinely awesome guy.
The debates themselves end up being pretty boring, just nerds needing about nerd stuff, but I will note that when purple team earns a point, Chris goes “POP POP!” So at least we can replace #nicole with #sixseasonsandamovie. Anyway, the debates come down tied between Purple and Gold Team, so it’s up to Jack and Brian with “What universe is better: Star Wars or Star Trek?” Again, Jack’s never watched either but he manages to pull it off by talking about which series has sold more. Then he goes ahead and tells everyone he hasn’t watched either, to which Kumail calmly, yet murderously, states he should.
I’ve been on Jack’s side for most of this series. He’s been great… but this? This is rough, Jack. I… I don’t know if I can forgive this.
3.) Revenge of the Kings of the Nerds
Purple team ends up winning dinner with the cast of Revenge of the Nerds who were finally let out of Curtis Armstrong’s closet. It’s a little bit more personal than the two-second Bill Nye meet & greet until the main course comes in.
Little Caesar’s. Pizza. Steaming Hot.
I don’t know if this show’s been affecting me, but the other day I sang the Little Caesar’s “Bite Bite Sip Sip” song from the commercial that plays during King of the Nerds all the time. Surprisingly, that last sentence isn’t the biggest cry for help here as Revenge of the Nerds’ cast talks about how incredible Little Caesar’s like we’re beyond hiding the product placement at this point.
Continued belowLater, at the voting ceremony, Jack is obviously voted into the Nerd-Off with Katie who was voted in by Zack’s crazed manipulation of Jack. Seriously, they show him hovering over him while Purple Team tries to talk to Jack into voting for the person who’s not sort of normal. It fails. Jack’s fallen to the dark side. Hopefully the final confrontation ends up being some epic clash between Katie and Jack.
Oh it’s a spelling bee? Right! Budget got spent last week on that zombie game of Kerplunk! Remember the time there was a zombie version of Kerplunk!?
4.) 25th Annual Nerdvana County Spelling Bee (It’s PANDEMONIUM!)
Yeah, I don’t care for Star Wars or Trek but relatively obscure musical references are all in.
Anyway, Jack and Katie have a spelling bee that goes as excitedly as you expect. There’s a sense of sadism included, because of course there is, where each wrong answer will shock another contestant. Brian agrees to hook up with Katie (not literally) and Chris agrees to hook up with Jack (maybe literally?) Zack, as Joffrey Lannister, talks about how he can’t wait to watch Brian’s chest hair burn and, unfortunately, nothing as interesting as that happens during the spelling bee. The stakes have been lowered so much this episode. No zombies and no Robo-Nerd? It’s like if the third episode of True Detective had all of McConaughey’s speeches and the other episodes were Bert from that church.
(Note to HBO: Despite what I just said, give Bert his own spin-off.)
The most interesting thing I can glean from the spelling bee is that the planet Kashyyyk form Star Wars is apparently spelled like that on purpose. Jack, former hero and now the false prophet, ends up winning over Katie, our favorite here at Multiversity. In a further attempt to make sure we never forget her, Katie chants “Titans of Rigel!” with her old team while Zack stands awkwardly in the corner and then talks about how she wants to put on a robotic version of Samuel Beckett’s Endgame.
If anyone knows where I can get tickets to that, hit me up. We’ll all go as a group.
5.) MVN/LVN
Most Valuable Nerd: Kumail Nanjiani whose album, Beta Male, is hilarious. I don’t even have a joke about him. Nice dude.
Least Valuable Nerd: Jack… You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy Zack, not join him. You were to bring balance to King of the Nerds, not leave it in darkness.
And worst of all you made me use a Star Wars quote. Hope you can lend me a pen for this piece of toilet paper, Jack, because you just made my shitlist.
