Welcome to our coverage of “Who’s Who!” For this summer, we’ll be focusing exclusively on the 26-issue 1985-1987 series, without any of the updates. Those will, hopefully, follow next year.
Today, we dive into the second installment, which is full of five types of characters: Barons, Bigs, Bats, Black _____s, and Blackhawks.
There are so many DC characters with “Black” as their first part of their name that they only could get through Blackh- in this volume, and that’s with only 2 “a” characters hanging over from the first issue. Before the superlatives, the pronunciation guide:
Best overall entry (tie): Earth 2 Batman
This week had two fantastic entries, which are both spotlighted because of the sheer insanity featured herein. Earth-2 is a constant fascination with me because, pre-“Crisis,” the characters essentially aged in real time. And so you get to see what Batman as an old man (years before Batman Beyond) was like, how his marriage turned out, etc. While I’m not sure it is for everyone, I always secretly hoped that the New 52 would usher in a return to this sort of character aging.
Best overall entry (tie): Batwoman
I selected Kathy Kane Batwoman as the second entry because this is a character that has more or less been totally eclipsed by the modern interpretation, but Kathy is a fascinating character that is likely to never have another new story told about her, or at least not one set in current continuity.
Best non-character: Batcave
This whole entry is great, explaining that there was briefly a second Batcave when Bruce lived in a Penthouse, but we’re all here for the floorplan/layout. I’m shocked there isn’t a sicko like me who is also a tech bro who has built a to scale version of the Batcave under their mansion.
Marquee character: Batman
This is painfully obvious by the 10 Bat-entries in this volume (not counting Bat Lash, who is not related), but is made even more obvious by Batman being one of the few characters who gets a totally separate Earth-Two and Earth-One entries.
Most obscure character: Automan
Automan, aka Robot #32198 appeared in 6 non-“Who’s Who” issues of DC Comics, first in books like “Tales of the Unexpected” and finally in the Joe Kelly/Ted McKeever “Enginehead” miniseries that has been totally memory holed. Automan has not been revamped since “Flashpoint” either.
Most incomprehensible entry: The Barren Earth
This crew almost took the ‘Most obscure’ title, but the fact that it was both a backup in “Warlord” and, eventually, got its own miniseries feels too big time for that honorific. However, if you can make heads or tails of this entry, Rao bless you.
Most bizarre entry: Black Canary
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Oh yeah, wasn’t the JLA’s Black Canary the second one to hold that title? Yes, and the circumstances are far weirder than you could’ve possibly remembered:
Top three pieces of art:
3. Ballon Buster
This week’s art features are all from stone-cold legends. First up is Joe Kubert on the Balloon Buster, one of the more unfortunately named war heroes of DC’s WW2 era. Even with such a tragic name, Kubert’s artwork shows that you do not want to fuck with the Ballon Buster.
2. Ben Boxer
A supporting character from “Kamandi: The Last Boy on Earth,” Ben Boxer is beautifully illustrated by the King himself, Jack Kirby. This volume has a bunch of Kirby characters, but the Boxer transformation is among the best thing we see in the whole issue.
1. Earth-Two Batman
Dave Gibbons draws a simply gorgeous, not at all fussed over Earth-Two Batman. Gotta love this.
Best lines/details per entry:
Automan:
Brian’s commentary: I love that a character with a half-dozen total appearances has enough of a backstory to know that he’s been life-paired with another robot. God bless DC Comics, now and forever.
Azrael: Occupation: Space Traveler
Brian’s commentary: Now, you may think. Wait, Jean-Paul Valley was a space traveler before “Justice League Odyssey?” Well, no. because this isn’t the Bat-family Azrael. This is:
Continued below
The obscure Teen Titan Azrael!
Babe (Atari Force): He is slow to anger, and has a great sense of loyalty to his friends.
Brian’s commentary: As someone who has played a lot of church music over his life, this absolutely sounds like lyrics to a 1970s Catholic folk hymn.
The Balloon Buster: Enlisting in the Army Air Corps at the onset of World War I, Savage repeatedly disobeyed orders, breaking formation to attack and destroy the German combat balloons, which earned him his nickname.
Brian’s commentary: I think this is a relatively cool skill/origin, but again, that fucking name. “Zeppelin Destroyer” was right there!
Baron Bedlam: Occupation: Financier / Insurrectionist
Brian’s commentary: Imagine how many January 6th participants can claim this exact occupation!
Baron Blitzkrieg: He can control his own metabolism and is able to somehow alter his musculature to provide himself with greater strength for limited durations.
Brian’s commentary: OK, this is a dope power that should be given to a new character.
Baron Winters: He is said to have been a philosopher, a carnival barker, a teacher, a wizard, a writer, a king and more
Brian’s commentary: Did Dr. Evil write this?
The Barren Earth: A gifted cadet trained as a warrior and diplomat, Jinal assembled a multi-racial band to aid in her quest to unite the warring races of the planet.
Brian’s commentary: I just like the sound of this sentence, and am somewhat fearful of it becoming true in 2023.
Batcave:
Brian’s commentary: This is the galaxy-brained shit for which I am here.
Batgirl:
Brian’s commentary: I like how every Bat-vehicle gets its own entry, but the original Bat-Girl, whose origin sounds both dope and insane, doesn’t. For shame.
Bat Lash: Swearing vengeance, Bat left his sister and his girlfriend, Betsy, at a convent for protection.
Brian’s commentary: This wording makes it sound like Mr. Lash was dating his sister. Give us both names, please.
Batman (Earth-Two): In his first few cases, the Batman carried a gun, but soon gave it up.
Brian’s commentary: I am appreciative that this wasn’t white-washed over, as it has been at DC forever. Even if that’s not who Batman is now, that’s certainly who he was then.
Batman (Earth-One): Now an orphan, Bruce Wayne was placed in the care of his Uncle Philip. Since Philip Wayne was a world-traveler, Bruce spent his formative years under the guidance of Philip’s housekeeper, the kindly Mrs. Chilton (who was secretly Joe Chill’s mother, a fact Bruce never learned).
Brian’s commentary: Pre-“Crisis” DC was a trip. Also, it is nutty that neither Batman’s entry mentions Alfred.
Batman’s Utility Belt:
Brian’s commentary: Imagine how small and ineffective, or how unbelievably dangerous, that laser torch and grenades are? There’s no way those aren’t totally useless, or made of such compressed danger that Batman is walking around with a nuclear reactor just above his dick.
Batmobile:
Brian’s commentary: We get a bevy of Batmobiles in this issue, but this is my favorite design. I’d love to see a modern creator give Batman another Batmobile that looks like this, even if it is totally without function in modern Gotham.
Batplane:
Brian’s commentary: Take my above entry for the Batmobile and replace “mobile” with “plane.”
Batboat: The Batboat is also able to fire so-called “Bat-torpedoes” capable of disabling enemy vessels without sinking them.
Brian’s commentary: I love that we talk about every single Bat thing being called the Bat-phone, Bat-toilet, etc, but this entry uses “so-called” in front of the Bat-torpedoes, as if this is a new and ridiculous concept.
Batmite: Though he wears his own version of the Batman’s utility belt, Bat-Mite appears to possess no true weaponry besides his own awesome magical powers.
Brian’s commentary: The words “awesome” and “Bat-Mite” have never before, or since, gone together.
Batwoman: It must be noted that there was a Batwoman on both Earth-One and Earth-Two, and that their early careers are almost identical. On Earth-One, Kathy also tried retirement for a time, buying a small circus to keep herself occupied.
Brian’s commentary: I hope that when I retire I will have enough disposable income and brain damage to think buying a circus is a logical next step for me.
Continued belowBeautiful Dreamer: Beautiful Dreamer also possesses the singular ability to isolate images from the minds of others and give those images temporary form by creating frightening lifelike illusions.
Brian’s commentary: OK, this is another dope power.
Ben Boxer: Periodically, the trio just undergo the unexplained rite of Evermore to prolong their lives. It has been theorized that if they can perform the ceremony properly, they can live forever.
Brian’s commentary: I love the idea of them doing this every however many years, but one day someone mispronounces a word and the jig is up.
Big Barda: Barda wears outfits that can be turned into her battle armor almost instantaneously.
Brian’s commentary: This sounds like copy from the fashion show at the end of Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitter’s Dead.
Big Bear:
Brian’s commentary: OK, can we get an entry for this amazing vehicle? No room, because we need to write about the Batboat? Oh, ok. Carry on.
Big Sir: Alter Ego: Dufus P. Ratchet
Brian’s commentary: That fucking name. Mein gott. Also, never has a codename, alter ego, and image gone as well together. This is like peanut butter and chocolate, baby.
Bizarro:
Brian’s commentary: We were going to name our daughter Bizarro-Lois Jr, but found out it was already taken. Blue Kryptonite bullet dodged!
Bizarro World: The Bizarro Code: “Us do opposite of all Earthly things! Us hate beauty! Us love ugliness! Is big crime to make anything perfect on Bizarro world!”
Brian’s commentary: There should be a Bizarro Corps in the next Green Lantern title. I’m not joking.
Black Bison: An excellent physical specimen, Black Bison is also a skilled hand to hand combatant, using ancient Indian forms of the martial arts to great advantage.
Brian’s commentary: “An excellent physical specimen” is a phrase that can never sound creepy, no matter the context.
Blackbriar Thorn: Seeking to elude his Roman pursuers, Thorn slipped away into the woods during the massacre and used his arcane powers to transform himself into solid wood, hoping to be missed among the surrounding trees.
Brian’s commentary: Men will literally turn into trees instead of going to therapy.
Black Canary: When his daughter’s application to the Police Academy was rejected, Richard Drake died of a broken heart, leaving Dinah a small inheritance with which she opened a florist shop.
Brian’s commentary: Imagine being so tied up in your daughter’s career that you fucking die when they fail?
Black Condor: Grey eventually came to America and, after various cases there, assumed the name and identity of his look-alike, Senator Thomas Wright, who had been secretly murdered by a criminal politician.
Brian’s commentary: This is essentially the plot to Kevin Kline’s Dave, which is an amazing film. Well, minus the superpowers and being raised by birds.
Blackfire: The Psions subjected both women to conditions which tested the extent to which the Tamaranian body could withstand solar power.
Brian’s commentary: So they saw who could stay in a tanning booth longer? Also, this entry was just a hair off from being the most incomprehensible.
Black Hand: Hand’s single affectation is a fascinating with cliche sayings, and he has based many of his crimes on these old adages.
Brian’s commentary: Yes, a man who becomes a villain and dresses in an elaborate, homemade costume only has one solitary affectation.
Blackhawk: An excellent pilot and a crack shot, Blackhawk’s most impressive ability is his natural leadership.
Brian’s commentary: Was this from the letter of recommendation his guidance counselor wrote him for college?
The Blackhawks: Chuck: “Though good-natured, Chuck can also be a deadly enemy”
Brian’s commentary: This is the type of thing a neighbor says about you on the news when you’ve murdered a bunch of folks.
Blackhawk Plane: Though the government did not award Grumman a production contract for the “Skyrocket,” an unknown quantity were produced, with spares and replacements, for the Blackhawk Squadron.
Brian’s commentary: Thanks for clarifying the status of Grumman as an independent contractor during the war.
Blackhawk Island:
Brian’s commentary: I was literally just wondering if I would need to bring by own heavy crane to Blackhawk Island. Glad I don’t!
