Welcome to our coverage of “Who’s Who!” For this summer, we’ll be focusing exclusively on the 26-issue 1985-1987 series, without any of the updates. Those will, hopefully, follow next year.
We are at the bulk of the Gs this week, with a healthy dose of Green Lantern goodness. Let’s get going!
Best Overall Entry: Green Lantern (Alan Scott)
A general rule of thumb for “Who’s Who” is: if it is a long-standing Earth-2 hero, strap in. Alan Scott is both the precursor to the Green Lantern Corps and also a wholly unique creation that doesn’t really belong anywhere. This entry is a great example of an unnecessarily convoluted origin and some madness that can only happen when a character is aged in real time (or at least close to real time).
Marquee: Green Lantern(s)
This issue has four individual Green Lantern listings (Alan Scott, Hal Jordan, John Stewart, Green Man), plus an entry for the Corps and an entry for the Guardians. This is during the time when Hal was ‘retired,’ and so John was the Lantern most prominently featured on the cover.
Most Obscure Character: The Ghost
A Charlatan Comics-era villain of Captain Atom, the Ghost only appeared in 10 non “Who’s Who” issues. That’s sort of a shame, as the costume is great.
Most Incomprehensible Entry: Grim Ghost
OK, for real: who thought that this entry explained anything, let alone enough to justify its inclusion here?
Most Bizarre Entry: Goldface
A character that tries to literally turn himself yellow to evade Green Lantern instead of just wearing a Yellow jump suit or something is already nuts, but then add to it that he makes it his whole thing by calling himself “Goldface,” come on now.
Top 3 Pieces of Art:
3. G.I. Robot by Mike Chen and Murphy Anderson
Kubert School instructor/Academic Supervisor Mike Chen does a really fun J.A.K.E. here, balancing the 80s obsession with robots showing all their parts and giving it actual design and definition beyond just metal rods and wiring.
2. Gentleman Ghost by Joe Kubert
Gentleman Ghost has an amazing design, and in the hands of the master, Joe Kubert, this just sings.
1. Green Lantern Corps by Brian Bolland
This was the beginning of the Green Lantern Corps being made up of just the biggest weirdos in the universe. I love all of Bolland’s work here, from the cute to the hideous, the boxy to…Charlie Vixers?
Best lines/details per entry:
Garn Daanuth: Unable to prevent the sinking of Atlantis, Garn placed himself in suspended animation within mystic amber.
Brian’s Commentary: Well, that’s certainly one way of avoiding responsibility.
Gemworld: Each has its realm, in many cases a place aligned in character with the properties of its Gemstone so that, for example, Aquamarine is a seafaring kingdom, Sardonyx a desert realm, and so forth.
Brian’s Commentary: Why do you ask, Prince of Shitgem?
General Immortus: Aeons ago, the man known only as General Immortus gained a supply of a certain chemical that allowed him to survive for centuries.
Brian’s Commentary: Please, do us a favor, and be less specific with the type of chemical. We’d really appreciate that.
Gentleman Ghost:
Brian’s Commentary: “A momentary rift in the fabric of time? At this time of year, at this time of day, in this part of the country, localized entirely under those gallows?”
Geo-Force: Once a nonmember of the Markovian royal family has received these temporary powers, a second exposure to Dr. Jace’s treatment is fatal.
Brian’s Commentary: You heard them, no second helping of powers, mere plebeian!
The Ghost: As a young man, Rois finally succeeded in developing a working teleportation machine.
Brian’s Commentary: “Finally succeeded” as a young man? This is like when my 6 year old son says “I’ve always wanted that!” when he sees a commercial for a brand new product.
The Ghost Patrol: As ghosts, Fred, Pedro, and Slim could perform such feats as flying, walking through walls, and becoming invisible.
Brian’s Commentary: So, they were ghosts. Got it.
Continued belowG.I. Robot:
Brian’s Commentary: It seems pretty likely that he did survive, and since he’s not an organic being, is just floating through space, wondering why he was programmed to feel bordeom.
Gizmo: Gizmo is capable of creating unbelievable weaponry by transforming one machine into another. In his tiny hands, using state-of-the-art technology, an ordinary vacuum cleaner, for example, can easily be converted into a deadly, unstoppable tank.
Brian’s Commentary: I presume this means that the tank will be the size of a vacuum cleaner, and not that he can make objects grow in size because, c’mon now, that’s way more of a power than jut being a villainous McGuyver.
The Global Guardians:
Brian’s Commentary: How’d they get my college nickname?
Glorious Godfrey: Glorious Godfrey has long harbored great jealousy over Darkseid’s obvious favoritism toward his master torturer DeSaad.
Brian’s Commentary: I love that, at its core, the Fourth World is the closest to a superhero soap opera we ever really got.
Golden Gladiator:
Brian’s Commentary: I like to imagine these rankings like a golf tournament leaderboards, which is very funny to me as 99% of the people present couldn’t read.
Golden Glider: The Golden Glider is now at large, but it is not known what she will do now that the object of her hatred, the second Flash, is dead.
Brian’s Commentary: I don’t know what is wilder: Golden Glider going straight because Barry Allen is dead, or decided that it wasn’t actually hatred of the Flash that spurred her on, and she decides to keep being evil.
Goldface: Alter Ego: Keith Kenyon
Brian’s Commentary: Isn’t it actually [stares at camera] Jim Halpert?
Gordanians: In time, slavery became their main vocation other than warfare.
Brian’s Commentary: It’s important to diversify your evil. Also, it’s amazing that slavery can be listed as a vocation and not an occupation. That implies that people wake up every day and know in their heart of hearts that they are on this earth to enslave others.
Gorilla City:
Brian’s Commentary: SO WHY PUBLISH THIS?
Gorilla Grodd: (An account alleging Grodd and the other gorillas of Gorilla City to be extraterrestrials is totally erroneous)
Brian’s Commentary: Are there people out there getting off on planting fake Gorilla news?
Granny Goodness: Granny Goodness possess no actual super-powers, although she is far stronger than any Earthwoman of her physical age and build.
Brian’s Commentary: Translation: For a tough, stocky broad, she’s pretty powerful!
Gravedigger: When his closest friend was gunned down by a Nazi fighter plane, something in Hazard finally snapped. He went AWOL, making his way to Washington, D.C., where he broke into the Pentagon and invaded he offices of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to prove his abilities.
Brian’s Commentary: I’m sure that would go just as well today.
Green Arrow I: Queen and Harper made their stand within a cavern that, to their amazement, contained a gigantic golden idol. Queen and Harper held the criminals at bay with their archery skills and finally escaped before the golden idol toppled, crushing the criminals.
Brian’s Commentary: That’s a metaphor soup right there.
Green Arrow II:
Brian’s Commentary: This actually makes sense for why he is such a good archer; it’s like Billy Wagner learning to pitch by throwing rocks on a farm.
Green Lantern I: Thanks to his absorbing temporal energy from the evil Ian Krkull, the Green Lantern possesses far more physical vitality today than other men of his age.
Brian’s Commentary: So he basically bought dick pills from Ian Krkull, the proto internet?
Green Lantern II: Following Abin Sur’s final instructions, Jordan donned Sur’s uniform, then used the power ring to bury Abin Sur and the remains of his spacecraft beneath of the Sierra Madre mountains.
Brian’s Commentary: “Before I die, here are my final instructions: strip me naked and wear my clothes. PLEASE, this is what I want! Bury me in the nude, dick down.”
Green Lantern III: At first, Stewart refused the honor, but he was finally cajoled into accepting the assignment by several other members of the Corps who had been Hal Jordan’s friends.
Continued belowBrian’s Commentary: This sounds like a frat hazing ritual.
Green Lantern Corps: Each Corps member patrols a space sector encompassing a tenth of a degree of an imaginary circle emanating from Oa.
Brian’s Commentary: That seems like a very dumb way to split up sectors. This truly is the space Electoral College.
The Green Man: His slow reflexes work against him in battle, though the highly poisonous blood of his species protects him from some direct physical attacks.
Brian’s Commentary: “He’s slow, but if he bleeds on you, woah doctor.”
Grimbor: Occupation: Chainsman
Brian’s Commentary: Other notable chainsmen: WWF’s Hercules and the Junk Yard Dog.
Grim Ghost: ?
Brian’s Commentary: There is not a single sentence in this entry that is worth discussing on its own, and the whole thing is so incomprehensible (again, see above) that I don’t know where to begin. Dock my pay for this entry.
The Guardian: To protect himself Harper obtained a costume, a helmet, an an antique shield from a costume shop.
Brian’s Commentary: What sort of costume shop was this that sells antique shields?
Guardians of the Universe: One area of study was discouraged, for an ancient legend told that if their own origins were ever revealed, both the Fans and the universe would be destroyed.
Brian’s Commentary: Any therapist worth their salt would tear this to shreds as classic lack of introspection.
