So let’s start the brand new year of highlighting some of the lesser-known stuff by reviewing an X-Men book…. yeah that didn’t last long. Let’s see how it was.
Written by Max Bemis
Illustrated by Michael WalshBailey Hoskins has just discovered he’s a mutant. For someone who’s never been special, never stood out, discovering he’s “gifted” is truly a gift—entry into the halls of Xavier’s School for Gifted Children and into the ranks of the worldfamous X-Men! Unfortunately…Bailey might just be the worst X-Man ever. Max Bemis, frontman of the band Say Anything, kicks off his first Marvel miniseries by teaming with stellar artist Michael Walsh (SECRET AVENGERS, HANK JOHNSON) to bring us the story of a misfit among misfits.
Let me ask you something: What do you think of when you hear the title “X-Men: The Worst X-Man Ever”? My first thought was “Oooh! Is this finally the comic where the Academy X kids call out their teachers and guardians for being absolutely terrible at their jobs?” Sadly, that is not what we got here from Max Bemis and Michael Walsh. What we do get -or rather what I think they intended- is some light-hearted satire of the X-Men as a franchise. And while I can appreciate some light-hearted digs (or even some not-so-light hearted digs) at this very flawed franchise… it doesn’t work here.
So let’s talk about our protagonist here: Bailey Hoskins, the titular “Worst X-Man Ever”. He’s a very standard teenager who can’t seem to fit in with any of the kids at his high school, no matter how much he tries. He tries all manner of hobbies like skateboarding, poetry and and the like and he’s so nervous around girls and if this all seems like it’s really generic it’s because it kind of is. Now I could have forgiven a load of this kind of really “generic white male teenager who is awkward” schtick until he derides a girl for not having a single unique quality (not to her face, but to his friend). That immediately turned me to finding this kid unlikeable as hell.
The one thing I will give him: I am glad to see the reaction to finding out he’s a mutant is one of awesomeness. He finds this out from his parents who are both mutants that are “Closested” (We’ll get back to this) and they bring him to the Xavier Institute to see if he has the X-Gene. Another benefit this book does have is being away from continuity so Bemis can play with the timeline of characters. We have a Beast that is more kind-hearted professor instead of the colossal idiot who thought bringing past versions of the original X-Men to the present was a good idea or a Kitty Pryde that’s still a student and not the serial abandoner of her own students but is always right because “reasons” like today. And there are attempts to be funny, like how Hoskin’s mutant ability is to explode. Not to create explosions. To just explode. And be dead. And I’ll say it: It is kind of funny the deadpan reaction he has to it.
And then a Sentinel comes out of nowhere and squishes his parents. Because X-Men. In fact, “Because X-Men” could be all I have to write up for the second half of this issue. Why did the insanely counter-productive giant pink robot come out of nowhere? “Because X-Men” Why is it that the kid must now be orphaned or not have family and be cloistered away to this isolationist school? “Because X-Men”. Why is the awkward white kid supposed to be a stand-in for incredibly serious discrimination problems the real world has? “Because X-Men”. Could Bemis have examined some of these ridiculous flaws found in the DNA of this franchise. Yeah, but there is so little commitment to it. Every slight chuckle one could get is immediately pushed away for the other staples that are hallmark (tired) with this franchise.
I could talk about the art here but to be quite honest: I have seen better from Michael Walsh. His work on “Secret Avengers” was fantastic and I do enjoy the covers I see every now and again (this variant to “Imperium #11” for example) but the art feels very weak here. It looks half done and flat in most places and even the action scenes with the Sentinel just come off as mediocre. Toppled on is the lack of inking some places which makes colorist Ruth Redmond (who I generally like) work look kind of splotchy. I have seen better work from both. It doesn’t really elevate the script at all.
And now, let’s talk about the “closeted” mutant thing. Now, if you haven’t read my bio below: I’m bisexual. And I have some massive problems with the whole “X-Men are stand-ins for minorities” metaphor. I believe it is one of the most poorly conceived metaphors in pop culture and it trivializes real life issues where people die because they are different from people with too much power. So this crap really hits a nerve on me. Maybe if this book had committed fully to its satire instead of falling back onto old shtick of the X-Men I could have tolerated it, but it doesn’t, so I don’t.
Final Verdict: 2.8- What could have been a humorous examinations of the very real faults of this franchise just turns into a very generic X-Men story with an unlikeable protagonist.
