Upon re-watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine for the first time since 2009 (when no, I did NOT pay full price to see it), I found that I … still had nothing considerably interesting to say about it.
While I could complain about how absolutely “’90s comics” the movie is (everyone’s mutant power is that they’re X-TREMELY KOOL), or consider how Origins straddles the line between the X-Men films of the early 2000s and the then-burgeoning MCU (it does if you squint), or talk about how the film found the time to fridge Silverfox not just once but TWICE, I think that would be giving the movie too much credit.
And I’ve already spent too much time with it.
So instead, I’m going to let Origins speak for itself. Below is a list of lines from X-Men Origins: Wolverine that describe the experience of watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Proof that this movie always knew what it was? Maybe. But I’d argue that a movie that went out of its way to sew Deadpool’s mouth shut never considered what it was doing.
Bonus points if you watch along with the list, to experience the related emotions in real time.
1. “What are you?”
2. “Wake me when it’s over.”
3. “Would you like a bucket?”
4. “Why are we here?”
5. “We didn’t sign up for this.”
6. “We can’t just let you walk away.”
7. “Why is he bothering you, after all these years?”
8. “I hate to say it, Jimmy, but I’m a little disappointed.”
9. “I tried to warn you.”
10. “When it starts, whatever the reason is that you’re doing this, focus on that. Maybe it will help.”
11. “We’re going to make you indestructible. But first, we’re going to have to destroy you.”
12. “Will he survive this?”
13. “If you go down this road, you’re not gonna like what you find.”
14. “I need to evacuate the facility.”
15. “They killed her for a goddamn experiment.”
16. “If I have to come back here, I’m going to take your head off.”
17. “There’s no redemption where I’m going.”
18. “I admire your passion, I do. But this is as far as it goes.”
19. “You’re up and down like a fricking yo-yo here!”
20. “Welcome back to the war.”
21. “I told you that if you came down this road, you wouldn’t like what you found.”
22. “You’re just the trickster, aren’t you? I’m just the fool that got played. The worst part of it is, I should have known. But I ignored my instincts.”
23. “Wade? Is that you?”
24. “You’re shitting me.”
25. “I can’t go. I have to stay here.”
26. “We can never be done, Jimmy.”
27. “I’m so cold.”
28. “Walk until your feet bleed. And then keep walking.”
And finally …
29. “You’re safe now. Come. We have to go.”
… I can never get back the three-and-a-half hours that I’ve now spent watching this movie.