(Featured Image by Ollie’s Bricks)
We have all (us, the unfortunate ones) watched X-Men Origins: Wolverine at one point or another. Some of us have even watched it more than once, on some feeble attempt to extract joy from a movie that is aimless, directionless and, ultimately, a disservice to comic book movies all around.
However! When we criticize the movie on the basis of having a coherent plot, interesting supporting characters, or even in providing a new path for the titular lead, we all fail to review for what it truly is. A massive platform to sell toys! Yes, for all of you on the pretension that X-Men Origins: Wolverine was an honest attempt at movie magic, you are all failing to see through the claws. This one is for the toy industry.
The one, true, WolverineSo, instead of judging X-Men Origins: Wolverine for its shortcomings as a movie, I’ll be judging it for the shortcomings it has in terms of generating the best possible toy from its disparate plot moments… Lego sets! To be more precise, the 5 sets we should have gotten to justify some of the cringe-worthy moments of the movie.
First one, and this comes from one of the best (if not THE best) scene in the entire movie, a Lego set focused on the exploits of James Howlett (that’s Wolverine for you kids) and his pal Victor Creed (a.k.a. Sabretooth) throughout the multiple wars of the modern age. Just imagine a set filled with destroyed German buildings, enemy soldiers and angry, snarling mini figs of Logan and Creed.
For our second entry, and asking you to look past the movie nonsensical imagery, we should have gotten a set of a boxing ring, so we could pit Wolverine’s mini figurine against a not-so-mini Blob fig. The set should include the ring itself, the usual surroundings of a gym. It could just as well throw in a Will.I.Am look-alike for good measure!
Next, we go to rural america, into X-Men Origins: Wolverine attempt of making something of a meta-textual statement about the super-hero genre. You seen, at one point in the movie, Logan goes through a rebirth of sorts, after having the adamantium laced to his bones. After this “birth,” Logan finds himself in a farm, where he meets a kindly couple, who hint at being protective and nurturing for him. They obviously die minutes later, but that still doesn’t mean we could not have had a Lego set with a barn, a silo, and a semi-destroyed sink, the very first time Logan pops his claws intentionally.
For the penultimate entry, a good toy set would be some relief to salvage the missed opportunity of having two of the X-Men most famous mutants (Wolverine and Gambit) on screen for the first time. The settings would be the Louisiana-style bar, complete with poker tables, a balcony and a Gambit mini-fig that included glow-in-the-dark playing cards. Well, we can dream, non?
Finally, and this is hard to pull off even when talking about a Lego set… we need a Wolverine versus Deadpool versus Sabertooth fight at the nuclear plant. Yes, I’ve said it. We actually should have a mini-fig of a mouthless Ryan Reynolds, complete with surgical tattoos. That way, at the very least, we could toss, burn and peel that monstrosity out of existence… of that Lego set, that is.
