Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! This week’s “Five Thoughts on Riverdale” is brought to you by the perfect ~murder~ snack: CHEEZY CRONCH TRIANGLES™. CHEEZY CRONCH TRIANGLES™: For When You Need A New Salt Delivery Vehicle.
And as always, spoilers ahead.
1. I Hasten Your Product Placement Tonight
One day, y’all. One day I won’t be caught off guard by the newest curveball Riverdale has decided to throw but today is not that day. I’ll get to the big one later, because I am very excited about it, but first we have to talk about Hiram Lodge repping Doritos™. Look. Look. I know this isn’t relevant to, like, anything but I could not stop cackling at this moment.
You know the one. Hiram and Reggie are talking the usual mob stuff of destroying a high school so a town cannot regrow out of it and then we get this glorious, uninterrupted shot of Hiram eating Nacho Cheese Doritos™, slowly repositioning the bag so it’s in full view, and then grinning at the camera while he takes a bite before we cut to commercials. He says nothing and lets the moment speak for itself. In all my years of covering Riverdale, never have I seen a more perfect moment. It graces the banner of this article for a reason, but know that the moment is so much better in motion. Here it is again, just in case it was too squished or cropped.
If Mark Consuelos doesn’t win an Emmy for that masterful piece of acting, I don’t know what they’re even doing.
2. Cheryl, There’s No Need to Feel Down
I am here for petty bitch Cheryl and her Gothic troubles. Run out of money? Forge a painting of the brother who was murdered by your father for sleeping with his distant cousin so you can see it off. Hear about the group you last felt at home in being taken over by your ex? Break into her office and sit at her desk in a stylish as fuck pink, red, and white pantsuit and start a beef with her. Get asked to fund a football team you always hated and have the aforementioned dead brother used as a chip? Use the power of the “recluse in the mansion” voice and throw the asker out into the fucking cold.
I am so glad Riverdale is finally leaning hard into Cheryl’s extraness. Nana Rose as a foil is also glorious. I am more excited to see her and Toni’s rivalry bloom than anything else. Well, that and whether or not she’ll get away with selling her fake to Ms. Marble. Scandal, eh?
3. Veronica, Lift That Man Off the Ground
Chad can fuck off to wherever Riverdale sends its garbage rich white boys. For a sec, I thought maybe Riverdale was going to have him slowly grow but it seems like that kind of nuance isn’t on the table and instead we get garbage husband Chadwick here to treat Veronica like property and a nuisance. I do have to hand it to the writers; they did a great job of creating a situation wherein we’re with Veronica in wanting Chad to be genuine. She married him for a reason and that hope is powerful and seductive.
It’s also the perfect way to explore how he’s emotionally manipulative in a similar but different way to Hiram. There are plenty of places where Chad’s façade breaks down before the final confrontation when Archie asks for money and is “offered a job” in exchange but it’s subtle and easy to miss…or it would be if this weren’t Riverdale, where subtlety is a sledgehammer to the face. I’m glad Veronica has come to terms with Chad but I’m very afraid we’re going to get this plot at least one more time before the season is up. If there’s anything past seasons have taught me, it’s that Veronica literally cannot learn from the past and is doomed to do the same actions over and over and over again and somehow think she’s moving forward.
Or maybe the writers will have finally learned that they can’t keep recycling the same outline.
Continued below4. You Can Hide in the Swamp, You Can Run From Some Trucks, You’re Well and Truly Fucked…
I do not trust Riverdale cliffhangers, as is well established. I expressed this skepticism in “The Homecoming” about Polly running from spooky truck and it seems I may have been wrong. Polly was, in fact, captured by spooky truck dude, or at the very least is on the run in a serious way after losing her stuff and then her phone. This points to her at minimum being found in a harried state next episode and at max, having her body show up in a future episode to dispel all doubts about her final fate because Riverdale has shown that “no body, no proof” is an axiom that holds up real well.
I’m not sure I like Polly being killed off like this but also, like Alice, I’m pretty well and truly tired of these characters and their poor writing. I’d prefer something constructive be done with them, and Polly being stuck in another damsel in distress/cult situation is not ideal, but it’s something. Her being dead is also something, and maybe it’ll finally shock Alice into realizing she hasn’t learned shit and is taking out her feelings about FP leaving on Betty and simply defending Polly because she’s around.
I’m sure I’d feel different about this situation if the writers took the time to have establishing scenes between Polly & Alice that weren’t full of Betty being self-righteous and then the other two overreacting. Basically, the Cooper/Smiths all suck and if they wanted me to worry about Polly, they should’ve done more to foster that connection.
At least she is (was?) better than Chic.
5. Mr. Mothman. Moth Me a Man
Y’all. Y’ALL! They’re bringing in Mothman. MOTHMAN! Even if he’s something stupid like the Gargoyle King ended up being, I am hyped to see what Riverdale does with everyone’s favorite cryptid. I mean, they basically introduced it by having the guy telling the story be like, “I didn’t see it but fuck I want to. Come on Mothman-senpai, why won’t you notice me.” It has all the power of this:
I have so many questions. If it’s aliens, are they why Riverdale has the worst drug names? Will they go full feathers or that stupid metal Annihilus sculpture style? Will they finally introduce a real supernatural entity like they’ve been teasing for years? Will it be another drug hallucination or, like, a radioactive cave? Who knows and who cares; it’s the Mothman and a chance to lean back into the “Tales from the Darkside” style horror. I’m here for it and I hope you all too.
That about does it for now! Join me again in two weeks, since The CW is giving us an extra week to stew in Mothy suspicion, and we’ll be back with more school antics, the return of the HBIC, and maybe some more steamy Betty/Archie action? I know I didn’t comment on it but Them Doritos™ tho. Until next time, stay sold out y’all.
Best Line of the Night:
Cheryl: “I was going to give you a call. But then I thought ‘hmmmmm. No.’”
