Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! What an episode we had tonight! There were twists, there were turns, there was the utterly infuriating. There was every conceivable way these plots could have panned out and at least one that didn’t. Plus, we got to watch the body count grow three sizes this day. So, strap in and get ready for a whirlwind ride as we enter the final four.
And as always, spoilers ahead.
1. Veteran of the Cult Wars
You know, going back to see if I brought up my fears about Toni being sucked into the cult, I realized that I don’t put down nearly as many predictions as I think I do. My notes are awash with “Oh, I hope X doesn’t happen” or “I just bet Y is gonna kick Z’s ass next week” or even “God dammit, they’re not seriously going to have Elio plant drugs on Archie via Mad Dog & use that to try and frame him.”
You know, minor stuff
But on the Toni aspect, all I told y’all was that she was going to be a better mole than Cheryl so now I have to totally eat my words. Damn. They didn’t even let it play out very long before pulling a 180 and having the double agent become a triple agent. It does lend my everyone-is-being-mind-controlled-via-drugs-but-I-really-hope-it’s-magic-theory more credence while also begging the question. . . why isn’t Betty being affected?
She’s clearly hallucinating, thanks to the appearance of the baby floating flashback, but what is keeping her from falling in with the creepy cult. I like to think it’s because of her hyperfixation on uncovering the truth and the deep fear she harbors over losing her mother, despite all the abusive things she’s put her through. No matter what the case, it won’t reduce the fact that this was simultaneously the creepiest the cult has been and also the silliest.
Join us? Really? In unison even? I guess they’re all being controlled by Mister Mind worms from Venus. Wouldn’t be the weirdest thing in the series.
2. Fightin’ for You
While the title is probably better for the G&G storyline, I gotta use it for Arch and the madness that was his stuff this week. I was wondering if Mad Dog was an unwilling patsy for Elio, who probably gave him the drugs to give to Arch, if that was a complete coincidence or if Mad Dog was secretly working for Elio. Thankfully it wasn’t the latter, although I’m still not sure which of the other two is the correct one. It doesn’t matter because most of the episode was watching Archie go through his whole guilt trip again over something he didn’t do but inadvertently caused, which, while totally in character, felt like a waste of time.
Did we need this? No. It was there to give us another gorgeous Josie number, to set up Elio & Hiram doing something about Arch, and to reinforce how Archie is going back to the kind person he was before the bear mauling. It wasn’t pointless but it felt like it was there to fill time.
Hell, we even had the dramatic & manufactured confrontation of the victim’s family and our wrongly accused protagonist. It was silly and stupid and I can’t believe they spent the time on it here. The only reason I can see why is that it was the natural next step for Elio’s character in this situation. Ugh. Fuck that guy.
Oh, and stop trying to make the “Riverdale Reaper” a thing.
3. Sinful Love
Just when you thought Edgar and Evelyn couldn’t get any creepier, turns out Evelyn isn’t his daughter but actually his wife. For how long? Who know! It doesn’t matter because Edgar is old enough to pretend to be her father and she’s been doing this since she was 16. I. . .I’m deeply unsettled by this revelation and have no idea how the show wanted me to take this.
I know it was meant to be a big reveal that redefined who Evelyn was, as another piece of The Farm’s long con, but it raises more questions than answers and NONE ANY GOOD. Euch. 16! How old is Edgar supposed to be even!? Is he gonna marry EVERYONE there? Is he gonna marry Polly & Alice? Because. . .nope. Nope. Not gonna think about this plot point any more. Nope.
Continued below4. O.D.’d on G&G Itself
Welp, I guess Kurtz is dead now. He was a lot of fun while he lasted, wasn’t he? In fact, there’s been a lot of death and rebirth this episode. Hal, Ronson, and Kurtz are all gone, although we never saw Hal’s body & Kurtz could have been BSing the whole time, while Penny Peabody is back for a quick fight and. . .there really was A LOT going on this week. Jeez. I can’t even keep track of all the things that happened.
Best I got is that this whole plot was a darkly fun ride. Watching Jug & family do increasingly insane things to save JB was entertaining in ways that the rest of the episode was not and I couldn’t wait to know what was next. I also couldn’t wait until Kurtz got his clock cleaned and DAMN was that punch from Jughead satisfying. They really made that feel and look painful.
Although, what was more painful, was FP finally finding out about Gladys. It was gonna happen eventually and, honestly, this was the best way they could’ve handled it. FP wasn’t irrationally angry at Jug but he was able to find out everything all at once and have his reactions. Where this goes from here? Who knows. What I do know is I still don’t know if JB is part and party to Gladys’ schemes or not!
This episode makes it seem like she’s not but earlier in the season it was pretty clear she knew. I hope this is not just a complete screw up, and it’s looking increasingly like they just totally forgot, so we’ll just have to wait and see.
5. Then Came the Last Days of May
Who is the Gargoyle King? Who is beneath the mask, tormenting the Jones’ and the town? I don’t know but I still hold out that The Farm is somehow tied to the creepy cult. Is it Edgar? Honestly, probably not. He’s got his own creepy shit going on and has moved from town to town before this. But who then? Is it the way too obvious Hiram still? Is it possibly Mr. Mantle? Is it Alice Cooper? Is it someone we haven’t met?
It better not be Luke Perry or I will flip a table. He’s the best and wouldn’t hurt a fly! Which gets me wondering, what happened to all the subterfuge from earlier in the season with the parents. They were all hiding something about the Midnight Club more than what Betty’s mom told them all and we never learned what. I’m sure we’ll get an answer sooner rather than later and, if not, we’ll know by the end of May whether or not the answer is stupid or rather brilliant. I’ve got a fear it’ll be more like the former.
Who do you think it is? Let me know in the comments and then join me again in one week for the start of the end of this strange, strange season. Was that Edgar shirtless, asking to fight Archie in the promo? Who knows! Until then, don’t drink the G water y’all.
Best Line of the Night:
Creepy Cult Chorus: “Join us.”
Edgar: “Yes, Betty. Join us. We’re all here. Your Mom, your sister. Your best friend. . .Kevin.”
