Television 

Five Thoughts on Riverdale‘s “Lock & Key”

By | March 18th, 2021
Posted in Television | % Comments

Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! I was promised hot, steamy, Eyes Wide Shut style antics this week from Sexy Archie. Instead, we got regular ass CW style melodrama. I was robbed, I say. ROBBED!

As always, spoilers ahead.

1. Keys to the Thornehill

*Ahem* Let me clarify my frustration. I understand we weren’t going to get anything serious, this isn’t HBO after all, but I was honestly expecting Riverdale to double down on their characters now being well into their 20s and thus able to explore sex differently. Narratively, I think the choices they made were smart, even if I was rolling my eyes at the contrived nature of it all. If Riverdale season five wants to differentiate itself from its younger self, reigning back the unabashed horniness of Sexy Archie is one way to do that.

The characters have, in fact, grown up to an extent and things cannot go back to what it used to be. There are aspects that can be recaptured but not many, and not in the way the key party is ostensibly supposed to enable. Who knows what would’ve happened if Cheryl had done this during their Junior year? At least Chad wouldn’t have been there. Get (figuratively) fucked Chad.

2. Welcome to Riverdale

You know, I was surprised we didn’t get any actual follow up on Ms. Marble’s arrival last week with the forgery. It feels like an odd thing for Riverdale to gloss over, when it’s usually so good at following up on a development like that. I guess her commissioning a painting from Cheryl is follow up enough. It’s also possible I missed a line at the start of the scene where she basically fulfils the role of the chaotic new lover who cannot be happy until, and unless, the object of their affection’s exes are utterly miserable.

I see through your calm and casual demeanor Marble, with your honeyed tongue and destructive suggestions. You wanted Cheryl for yourself and the only way to do that was break the bond between Toni & Cheryl forever. Granted, Cheryl was basically 95% of the way there already and would have said or done something like this eventually, but you enabled her! I guess it’s fitting that these two start hooking up at the end of the episode. They deserve each other.

Am I being too harsh on Marble? Yeah, probably, but the writers really don’t do her, or Cheryl, many favors. Cheryl has been on a warpath of bad decisions, doubling down on her toxicity and it’s really stressful to watch her blame literally everyone else for her own failings. It’s not Toni’s fault that she moved on after Cheryl locked herself in Thornhill for seven years and refused to even recognize that others might be hurt by her self-isolation. Cheryl, you’re not a martyr, even if you think of yourself as one. I don’t know if this is a good or a bad narrative decision because all I can feel is frustration at her every time she’s on screen, but damn if that isn’t effective drama for the messy former HBIC that Cheryl is.

It’s like watching a tree fall after leaning for years, the roots poking out of the ground more and more with each passing season. It’s inevitable, it’s sometimes necessary, it’s not pleasant, it’s intense, and you don’t want to be anywhere near it as it comes crashing down.

3. Clockworks

Good news, Kevin and Fangs are getting married! Bad news, they’re also breaking up. Good news, Betty & Archie are comfortable with each other and Archie’s Fireman RP (did you see those fucking abs, GAWD!) Bad news, they’re also breaking up. Good news, Toni’s gonna raise her kid with Fangs & Kevin! Bad news, Cheryl basically destroyed that chance out of spite and self-absorption. Good news, Veronica is finally divorcing that douche canoe Chad! Bad news…actually, Veronica really only had good news this week. Get (figuratively) fucked Chad.

If there was one throughline in this episode, it’s that the transition to adulthood is long and messy and full of setbacks and rarely ends the way you hope it will.

Kevin’s misgivings about marrying Fangs is…a choice that I do not understand but Kevin struggling with expectations and insecurity is relatable and tragic. Veronica having to end her toxic marriage to start living her life the way she wants to has been a long time coming and hopefully means she’s grown beyond her parents. Toni breaking things off with Cheryl and reading her her rights for the last time was cathartic and a reminder that, sometimes, we have to let friendships and old lovers go.

Continued below

Archie & Betty’s fumbling to figure out who they are to each other was maybe the best exploration of a romantic relationship that doesn’t work, not because it’s dysfunctional, but just because it doesn’t work, and a friend love is stronger and healthier on the network I’ve seen thus far. Legit, the heart to heart they have after the key ceremony was the best scene of the episode and I’ve been pretty burnt out on the CW’s brand of melodrama, which was on display way too much for my liking this week.

Maybe that was hyperbole but in the moment, that was what I felt.

4. Pumpkinhead Games

Before I start weeping, let’s move onto something that’s Riverdale’s bread and butter: Jug’s alien encounter hallucinations. Tortured writer with a drinking problem starts seeing a Pummkinhead crossed with a Predator while teaching about “Slaughterhouse Five?” Yes please. Feed me more of this nonsense.

I cannot wait to find out what’s the deal with this strange creature. Was it real? Was it all a hoax? What does it have to do with Jughead’s blackouts in New York? There are so many questions and while I’m almost positive the answer will be far more mundane than what they’re teasing, I wouldn’t be surprised if this time they actually double down on the aliens.

And yes, I know Jughead’s trauma in the past will probably play a big part in this and have little to do with good old syrup bones but it’s still important enough to speculate on. Maybe it’ll tie back to the time he, you know, was almost murdered????

Speaking of, did they ever find Donna’s body? Or did she escape? Is she gonna return like Chic, forever here to haunt Riverdale like a particularly nasty fart? I sure hope not.

5. Truck of Shadows

Welp, Polly did survive her encounter with Truck-Kun, who seems to have claimed another victim after last week’s many body reveal, and managed to find her way to a phone booth along the Lonely Highway twice but then it seems like she ran afoul of Envy and whoopsie doopsie is dead again…only we didn’t see a body…AGAIN.

Riverdale. We need to talk. If you want me to believe a character is dead, you need to show. the. body. None of this bloody, destroyed phone booth bullshit. I will not believe that she is dead and that this isn’t part of some wildly elaborate scheme to fuck with the Coopers. There is no tension left in the “Is she dead? Is she not dead?” if you keep it up with the “Oh she’s definitely dead this time PSYCH!” Hell, even with the body I may not believe it. I mean, Jughead survived and so did, ugh, Chic.

Try something new. Please. And maybe don’t make the character we’re supposed to feel pathos for one of the most insufferable characters in the series whom everyone inexplicably forgives every single time for everything at the drop of a hat. Just food for thought.

That about does it for now! What’d you think of this episode? It wasn’t the strongest they’ve had by a long shot but it had its moments. What do you think is up with ol’ syrup bones? Does Tabitha have the hots for Jones? Will Marble betray everyone in the end? Is SHE TBK????????? We won’t find out next time but maybe we’ll get some answers on the Polly end. Until then, stay sexually uninhibited except when the network censors only let you take off your shirt y’all.

Best Worst Line of the Night:

Chad: “How is it in a podunk town like Riverdale all the females are so hot?”

ACTUAL Best Line of the Night:

Cheryl: “Our 30’s, and, soon after, mortality.”


//TAGS | Riverdale

Elias Rosner

Elias is a lover of stories who, when he isn't writing reviews for Mulitversity, is hiding in the stacks of his library. Co-host of Make Mine Multiversity, a Marvel podcast, after winning the no-prize from the former hosts, co-editor of The Webcomics Weekly, and writer of the Worthy column, he can be found on Twitter (for mostly comics stuff) here and has finally updated his profile photo again.

EMAIL | ARTICLES



  • -->