Welcome back all you Riverdale fans! It’s mid-season finale time and boy do we have a strange one tonight. Expectations are upended, things get dicey and I still trust most of the “reveals” this week about as much as I do 6 month old tangerines, that is, not at all.
As always, spoilers ahead.
1. Spooky Citrus
Hooo boy. Where to begin with this one? I had hoped beyond hope that this show had given up its obsession with “Dark Betty.” I can stomach a lot of stupid naming conventions. The Anti-Monitor. All-Black the Necrosword. Dave the Barbarian. But Dark Betty? It always had the ring of, like, Dark Mary Marvel from “Countdown to Final Crisis,” a series you can read all about starting here thanks to Walt and his endless patience with that godforsaken series.
Where was I? Oh, right. Dark Betty.
Feh.
I won’t spend more time on it because each time I hear that phrase spoken, it’s like the sound of curdled milk being poured into a bowl. I bring it up because, well, there is a post-hypnotic suggestion inside of her that brings out the impulses for anger and violence that she has within her. Why does she have it? Well, Thing 1 and Thing 2 aka her parents are probably to blame for much of it; there’s no getting around that. Oh, and the Farm planted it inside her because fuck you, that’s why?
I dunno why they hyperfocused on Betty or why Evelyn was triggering it now or why she was being given phone privileges but, well, that’s the reality we’ve got. At first, I thought it was Chic doing something and, you know, it probably was him or Charles that got Evelyn to call, but if it is totally separate from that, Charles now knows what the trigger words are AND that Betty is not, in fact, free of whatever those suggestions made her do. That’s a dangerous combo and, really, was information that completely changes the calculus for the rest of the season.
2. Cranium and Feather
All season long, I have been highly suspicious of Stonewall Prep, for good reason. It’s a den of vipers who see themselves as the inheritors of this world, the rest of us be damned. But, in this one instance, it seems I, along with Jughead, were wrong. Or, at least, we were sort of wrong. Let me explain.
Jughead’s grandfather could have been bullshitting about selling the story to avoid seeming like he was taken advantage of, but there was nothing in his demeanor to back that up. Plus, what would he gain from telling this story, where he sold the book to DuPont for a pittance, rather than one which paints him in a more favorable light. I found this development to be one I actually liked. It gave Jughead resolution, started us on a new plot with the Skull and Quill, and got Jug and his Father some more bonding time while also showing that, yeah, his grandfather may have gotten wiser and older, but he still remained a pretty crappy dad. Jug finding him gone was heartbreaking but it had to happen. Can’t let FP getting too happy, can we?
As for the halls from hell, there’s still something rotten at Stonewall, and DuPont’s rather smug and assholeish reaction to the whole thing before Chipping’s death is suspicious at best. Furthermore, there’s all those mysterious deaths and why Chipping killed himself and whether or not Donna was telling the truth (which, if she was, is what they blackmailed Chipping with for. . .reasons that have yet to be unveiled) but, as for the case of the stolen story, that mystery was a misunderstanding all along.
3. Luck Be an Admissions Officer Tonight
Man, poor Veronica. She’s clearly out of her depth when it comes to combating her father, the, *ahem,* literal kingpin mayor in illegal dealings. Like, I know this is Riverdale and all but did she seriously think she could declare war and then do it? Hiram is vindictive, powerful and above all else, experienced in this, while Veronica takes every opportunity to gloat and inadvertently tipping her hand. It’s a problem a lot of these characters have but it’s pretty frustrating seeing it from her.
Continued belowThen again, she has proven she has the grace to dance her way back across the floor and the cunning to do it in a way that harms Hiram. We see this first with the Columbia recruiter, who is clearly interested in Veronica’s story and, I mean, who wouldn’t. Party girl isn’t how I would describe her, Hiram. You done fucked that one up. The rum patent was a twist I didn’t see coming but totally what he’d do, the slippery bastard.
She’ll find a way to get him eventually. . .though hopefully it involves her mother because I want to stop lamenting the loss of Season 1 Hermione and her replacement by Hiram. Seriously, what is it with interesting female antagonist-adjacent characters being replaced by their male, smug, less interesting counterparts in the shows I review?
4. The Red Haired Ones
Archie and Cheryl don’t share a plot. In fact, their plots this week are so far apart that they may as well be in two different shows. But, I put them together because they’re pretty short and are about coming to terms with how loss in the past drives one’s actions in the present. Cheryl, after discovering it was Penelope moving Julian’s doll around which. . .how the hell did I not put that together? She’s literally the only person it could’ve been and I just kinda forgot she existed. Sorry. Tangent. Cheryl realizes that maybe it’s time to say goodbye to Jason, a moment she was robbed of three years ago and was putting off because that would mean he’s actually gone this time. Archie, too, is stuck on this self-destructive path because of the loss of his father.
He is angry that it was something small that got him killed, an accident while he was doing a good deed and so he feels that, if he has to go out too, it will be doing something bigger, something that will help the town itself. But, also, it will be in a way that lets him release his anger at that senseless loss, at the people who are making the town that his father lived, and died, for a worse place to be. Both are powerful and painful, and it’s a reminder that these teenagers have gone through a lot.
And you never come out unscathed.
5. And Then I Hit Him With A Rock!
Anyone else not buying that this is what does Jug in? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller? Well, I don’t. Riverdale cliffhangers are always things of misdirection and, even though this season has been different in terms of what those cliffhangers are, I’m not in on what you’re pedaling series. I don’t buy that Jug is dead, although that is looking like a more and more believable possibility, and I certainly don’t buy that Betty killed Jug while in a trance-like state induced by. . .*shrug emoji.*
Here’s my theory, incorporating this new information. Charles knows the trigger word. Perhaps Jug learns the trigger word. I think Jug and Betty formulated a plan to have him say the words so she would enter the state (perhaps she’s even pretending) within sight of the Skull and Quill society, who almost certainly is using that footage of him and Betty as blackmail plus maybe other actions, as implied by DuPont’s “as long as you play by the rules” statement, and then hit him over the head with the rock. . .uh. . .killing him. . .OK, that’s where this theory falls apart but we’re getting there. I don’t know how that part is faked. I believe it is but, ya know, this is Riverdale they’re only afraid to kill characters most of the time.
Honestly, this is the best part of the show right now. Much as I have my ups and downs with the rest, whodunits that are drip fed like this are my JAM. Also, shout out to Knives Out, which I hope revives the Whodunit film genre because it is fun, engaging and has Chris Evans cast against Captain America type but totally with Johnny Storm, early 2000s Chris Evans type.
That about does it for now! I want to hear your theories. What about the puzzle that is Jughead’s “death” is getting you? Have I missed a crucial piece of evidence? We’re only 9 episodes into the season out of 22 (gotta love those “mid” season finales) so we’ve got a ways to go. Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you all again in a month for Chapter 67. Happy Holidays all and remember, never trust a Riverdale cliffhanger y’all.
Best Outfit of the Night:
Cheryl’s “I’m sending the long dead corpse of my brother off in a viking funeral on the river I almost died twice in” outfit. That spider brooch is so cool and the all-white with hints of red suit? Fantastic.
