Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance, but I figure that you could figure that out.
You said it, Hollis! Now, onto a comic which isn’t at all about wringing money out of a brand name, “Before Watchmen: Minutemen” #2! In this issue, we saw that the Minutemen were originally formed through a newspaper ad put up by the original Silk Spectre and Captain Metropolis. Hollis was nervous for his audition, but compared to some of the other applicants… well, let’s just say that I could have gotten in, no problem. Nevertheless, the first incarnation of the team – Captain Metropolis, Silk Spectre, Nite Owl, Dollar Bill, Comedian, Hooded Justice, Mothman, and The Silhouette, for those of you who haven’t studied the original – had their first mission, attempting to stop Italian explosives smugglers, but instead stopping Chinese fireworks smugglers. Bad press, right? Well, actually, Captain Metropolis was able to swing the press in the team’s favor by lying about the whole thing, using explosives he used as “evidence.” You think that’s bad? When the team was sitting around debating what kind of crimes to focus on, Silk Spectre really wasn’t feeling Silhouette’s idea to bust up child trafficking.
Everyone, your heroes. While the rest of the team hung back to have beers and generally live the heroic life, Silhouette, Nite Owl, and Mothman headed out to investigate the previously mentioned possible prostitution ring. Checking out an abandoned building close to a circus site where a child was reported missing, the three found themselves in a room with someone hanging from the rooftops in a noose. Hooded Justice strikes again – but not until after a really creepy S&M scene. No, really.
“Spider-Men” continued until issue #3, with Peter and Miles in their first legitimate team-up, fighting the same villain rather than just each other. The baddie in question? None other than Mysterio, of course (though whether he’s Ultimate Mysterio, 616 Mysterio, or both is still up for debate). Like any battle with Mysterio, this one opened up with a host of Mysterio’s signature tricks illusions, but Peter saw right through them.
Or maybe not. Turns out the master illusionist had a new kind of trick up his sleeve, a chemical compound that brought the heroes’ worst fears to life in a way that was so intense that even false injury could be felt. I am pretty sure that is stepping into at least two villains’ schtick, and that’s counting the various Mr. Fears as only one villain. The image of Miles’s, spoilers, recently deceased uncle, though, only propelled the kid into a fit of rage, and he quickly destroyed the Mysterio avatar. Unfortunately, the avatar was loaded with a self-destructing failsafe, which knocked Miles out until he was woken up by the Ultimates.
Does Fury realize that he’s still on the phone? Turns out that while Miles was out, Spider-Man did the reasonable thing and skee-daddled, trying to figure out what was and was not similar between his world and this strange new one. I bet you can’t guess what he soon found out. Well, yes, that Ultimate Captain America is an annoying flag-waver, but also that Ultimate Peter died in an unfortunate superhero-ing accident. Of course, with Peter’s identity as common knowledge, he also learned not only that his Aunt May was present in this world, but also the Ultimate counterpart to his long-lost first love, Gwen Stacy. Jesus, I hope Pete realizes that she’s jailbait in this world.
Continued belowBruce and his – yawn – long-lost brother Lincoln March began their climactic battle in “Batman” #11, the finale issue of ‘Night of the Owls.’ For twenty-five pages of story, not much happened: the typical “You’re not my brother!” “Yes I am!” “Let’s punch it out to find out!” that you see in everything else. And – again, like expected – it originally seemed like “Thomas Wayne Jr.” had the upper hand, towing Bruce on a line as he flew through the city, slamming his Dark Knight brother in skyscraper windows. You know, tough brotherly love. Lincoln nearly had Bruce beat, with the protector of the city caught in the engine of a flying jet, but was soon surprised to learn that Bruce had planted a small explosive on his back. That doesn’t really explain how Bruce safely climbed out of the jet engine of a flying plane, but whatever. The two landed in the same tower that they had originally met in – see, it’s symbolic! – and once again it seemed like Lincoln was going to successfully kill his brother. Of course, he didn’t: as March placed and set a variety of explosives, Bruce escaped his grasp and blinded him to be left in the rubble. You know what that means:
I repeat: yawn. You know how these kinds of stories end: Bruce apologized to Dick for punching him, talked about how great Gotham is, and promised that he would always be watching for any sign of the Court. On to “the next big thing.”
This week in Avengers punching X-Men, we’ve got three books: “AvX: Vs” #4, “New Avengers” #28, “Wolverine and the X-Men” #13. That’s a nice mix of Avengers vs X-Men vs readership, if you ask me.
Let’s start with the easiest one to dissect: “AvX: Vs.” This issue features two match-ups (surprise?) as Daredevil fights Psylocke with pointers from Rick Remender and Brandon Peterson while Thor fights Emma Frost thanks to Kaare Andrews.
In the battle against Daredevil and Psylocke, it’s very much a battle of mind over matter as the two ninja-trained warriors battle on the rooftops of New York while Psylocke attempts to bring Daredevil in for imprisonment for not being an X-Man. They punch, they kick, and when Psylocke attempts to attack with psychic powers her brain overloads a bit due to Daredevil’s enhanced senses. This temporarily gives Daredevil the upper hand, allowing him to flee and use some ninja tricks on Psylocke before, ultimately, she tricks him by playing damsel in distress and throwing him into a building.
The battle ends with a draw as Daredevil runs away, assumedly because Remender just likes both characters so much.
In Thor vs. Emma Frost, it’s all style over substance as Kaare Andrews arts the hell out of the story in as keen of a way as possible. Panels are made to parallel and mirror one another and the two characters with godlike abilities battle in a series of TOOM!s, KOOOM!s, THUMPs and SMACK!s. The battle is seemingly won by Thor when smashes Emma while she’s in diamond form so hard, she smashes to bits — leading to the most hilarious gratuitous butt shot of all time:
Of course, because she’s a Phoenix now, she reforms herself and proceeds to kick Thor’s ass. That’s how these things work. Now for the comics with stories!
In “New Avengers” #28, Bendis shows just how far he’s willing to push things just to upset you. Opening in the post-“No More Avengers” world, Spider-Woman, Luke Cake and Hawkeye are all caged in Utopia, under the watchful eyes of the Stepford Cuckoo Phoebe, Warpath and Magma. Both Spider-Woman and Luke Cage refuse to eat, but Hawkeye – despite being kept in special quarantine to avoid him having anything to use as a weapon – tricks Magma by throwing his plate of food at her and then pulling her partially into his cage, threatening to break her arm if she doesn’t let him free. Warpath arrives just in time to defuse the situation, but the damage is done; Hawkeye has stolen a key and the escape plan is in motion.
Continued belowSpider-Woman tricks Phoebe in a similar fashion, getting Phoebe to open the door and taking out Warpath as well with her awesome powers and kung fu skills. In her escape, she encounters Hawkeye, who distrusts her for fear that she might be a shapechanger (due to the Skrull invasion) and attacks her.She in turn proves herself by telling him something only she could know:
The two together free Luke Cage, who has since grown a beard as apparently he doesn’t have alopecia and that’s a surprise for some reason. The trio escape only to have their path blocked by Colossus, Polaris, Havoc, Gambit and Psylocke, and Luke Cage sacrifices himself to hold the group off while Hawkeye and Spider-Woman make a run for it — straight into the vantage point of Cyclops and Emma.
Yet still, through some clever cleverness, the duo pushes on and escape to freedom. Victory! Absolution! Hooray for the New Avengers! They’ve won the day…
…Only to find out that this was all a simulation put upon them by Danger to reveal to her how they’d escape and to develop appropriate precautions. INCEPTED! HA HA, SCREW YOU AVENGERS, HA HA HA. NO HOPE! NO HOPE!
Finally, in “Wolverine and the X-Men,” we’re given a Warbird-centric issue as Gladiator arrives on Earth to battle everyone in search of his son. Well, that and to punch the heck out of some Phoenixes, because the Shi’ar flipping hate the Phoenix, man.
It’s a gruesome battle in an undisclosed location (assumedly Utopia), with Gladiator thrashing Colossus and Warbird gutting Emma Frost with her sword. The issue finds Warbird on the hunt for Kid Gladiator, who has thrown his lot in with the X-Men and watches from afar. Warbird thrashes her way through the facility, smashing Iceman (and, to be fair, giving him a smooch which makes it all better!) before finding Kid Gladiator and telling him that if he does not leave willing, she will take him by force because “a warbird always follows order.”
Of course, this runs parallel with a tory from Warbird’s past, in which she was sent to murder a child and didn’t. Looks like a warbird doesn’t always follow orders, because killing children is just a bit grim. Better just to thrash him.
In the end, Gladiator is taken down by the Phoenix Five, and Warbird brings his smashed up body and the remaining Shi’ar forces to the Jean Grey School. Apparently it’s ok to be traitors to a cause in war, sometimes. That’s what I think the moral of the story is, anyway.
Over in “Uncanny X-Force” #27 the team had been separated by circumstance and the fact Fantomex wanted to get laid again, but don’t you hate it when the girl you’re about to sleep with LOOKS like your ex but is actually an old lady with the ability to shape shift and simply LOOK like your ex?
That old trope.
Well, Mystique poisoned Fantomex with a toxin that subdued his misdirection powers. He got away and eventually managed to get some clothes on, determined to find out who killed Betsy. She wasn’t ACTUALLY dead though, she was just in the hands of Farouk/shadow King, or as I call him in this form: “Wilson Fisk with a Fez.” The visions Betsy was having last month, which consisted of Xavier, Archangel, and her brother Jamie berating her for the deaths of…Archangel and her brother Jaime were put there by Wilson Fisk with a Fez and The Shadow King. She was still hallucinating when he decided to take off his mask and place it on her head to protect her from the mental onslaught of the Shadow King (since his mask works like Magneto’s helmet). He eventually got her into his mutant power/ship EVA and EVA and Psylocke got away.
His sacrifice meant that he died at the hands of the skinless dude with a British Whig, but knowing Jean-Philippe, he won’t be dead for long. Anyway, Psylocke, free of the Shadow King’s influence (again, I swear they have the most terrifyingly functional relationship in comics), tried to get EVA to go back, but the ship said that would invalidate his sacrifice. Live to get revenge. Live to…Kill Farouk. But OOPS, EVA, without her partner Fantomex, started dying.
Continued belowPsylocke and EVA conveniently crashed in the vicinity of one former Generation X teacher and possible Bishop Ancestor Gateway. Then EVA evolved from ship to humanoid being. Whaaaaaaaaat? Even more conveniently, Gateway was hanging out outside the X-Force base. The three went inside where AoA!Kurt, Logan, and Wade were waiting. They managed to get there in time for the Super-Sentinel Ultimaton, who had raised the young Evan Sabahnur, our little Genesis Apocalypse immediately killed Gateway! Without Fantomex, the sentinel reverted to its original program to kill all mutants. That means…blowing up and destroying the base.
Crap. Maybe Fantomex really is dead.
It should also be mentioned that the person who seems to be leading a group of mutants to kill the X-Force is none other than Logan’s bouncing baby boy Daken, who, along with Sabretooth, Skinless Man, AoA!Blob, Mystique, Omega Clan, and Shadow King, kidnapped Evan! AoA!Blob even sat on Kid Gladiator.
RUDE.
Finally, in “Avenging Spider-Man” #9, Peter met up with the new Captain Marvel, one Carol Danvers, who traded in her lightning bolt uniform for a snazzy new one and a beat up old plane that almost looks like it was used in World War I. They were heading to Boston so Peter could see his Aunt May, who decided New York was too dangerous. That didn’t last very long, however, as you know what happens whenever Parker is around, bad things happen and girls start flying at you in the sky, almost getting caught in the propeller. You know: the usual. Anyway, Carol attempted to get Peter to get the girls name, and she didn’t know! If I didn’t know any better, I’d say this was a soap opera!
Or not. While this girl wasn’t an amnesiac, she IS a sort of bank robber; albeit one that likens herself to a certain English folk Hero who wore green tights and looked a lot like Green Arrow. That’s right, a 99 Percenter Robin Hood.
The Boston Police wanted to bring this girl in for questioning and also resolved to take in her accomplices. By a strange twist of fate, because Robyn simply ran into Peter and Carol, they were considered to be in on whatever plan Robyn was up to. The Iron Man wannabes even insulted Captain Marvel, which is the wrongest thing you could do short of calling Thanos himself a ninny. She easily bested the subcontractor dressed like Detroit Steel (ugh…) who then shot our new anti-hero/hero/villain Robyn. That’s when her powers kicked in: the ability to amplify and redirect kinetic force used against her. So she’s Bishop, or Sebastian Shaw or something, alright. Her powers are even cooler, however, as she redirects it “One-Hundred Fold!” She can even grow in size. And right now her motto is “FUCK THA POLICE”
Oops. We end in a classic Mexican Standoff, only with the cops taking on two Avengers and a giant bank robber.
See ya next week!
This Week’s Contributors were:
Walt – “Before Watchmen: Minutemen” #2, “Batman” #11, “Spider-Men” #3
Matthew – “AvX: Vs” #4, “New Avengers” #28, “Wolverine and the X-Men” #13
Gil – “Uncanny X-Force” #27, Avenging Spider-Man #9
Anything we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, we’ll give you credit.
