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    The Multiversity Address: “Civil War II” #3

    By | July 14th, 2016
    Posted in Columns | 3 Comments

    Welcome to The Multiversity Address, Multiversity Comics’s recap series for Marvel’s “Civil War II.” After, Jess, Alice, and I died in the process of covering every single “Secret Wars” tie-in, we opted to just let me recap Marvel’s latest revival of a classic crossover. Obviously, we’ve got “Civil War II” spoilers from here on out.

    Last time on The Multiversity Address:

    Yeahhhhhhhh!!!!!

    The Inhumans just recruited a teenager named Ulysses who has the power to see the future and get people riled up. The Avengers have been using his abilities to foresee disasters before they happen. It’s worked out pretty well for them except for the time War Machine got rest by Thanos and ended up six feet under. Iron Man was ruthlessly furious with Captain Marvel for getting War Machine killed even though it’s not really her fault and she was kind of seeing him so it’s rough for her too. Last issue, Tony Stark broke into the Inhumans compound to sniff Ulysses and find out what his powers was. Ulysses ended up showing the Avengers a vision of Bruce Banner going on a rampage and killing everyone. Soon enough, the Avengers show on Banner’s doorstep ready to ask some questions.

    This week’s issue opens in a courtroom with a judge questioning Captain Marvel what happened when they confronted Banner. Bruce was flabbergasted at literally everyone showing up on his front lawn but Iron Man introduces Bruce to Ulysses and explains the vision he gave everyone.

    “Your dick was a black hole, Bruce. It was mesmerizing, horrible, and those kids are like fifteen so you’re going to have to register as a sex criminal when we’re finished here.”

    Iron Man doesn’t think this is enough proof to bring Banner in, despite the fact that The Hulk’s casualties are in the actual hundreds. Stark is also the kind of guy who once rocketed The Hulk into space after he destroyed Las Vegas, only for Hulk to come back with an alien army and lay waste to Manhattan. So maybe Tony’s trying to hedge his bets in case another World War Hulk breaks out. Unfortunately, while the Avengers were talking with Bruce, Hank McCoy hacked into Banner’s computer and found files that showed he had been experimenting on himself again. He also found files that revealed Banner had been using treated gamma cells to try and cure himself of The Hulk.

    Banner starts to get furious at his friends for coming to his house and accusing him of being careless with his research. He even gets a little ticked right before the thing New York Daily News reported happens.

    “Bruce Banner… you have failed this city.”

    The Avengers quickly find Hawkeye who turns himself in for killing Banner, which brings us to the trial in the present day. A trial that’s also being broadcast to iPads, televisions, and the giant screens in Times Square. I guess America’s really looking for something to watch since Game of Thrones is between seasons. During the trial, Hawkeye explains a conversation he had with Bruce a few months ago.

    “I also have dreams that I have this giant black hole for a dick. I wake up and it’s not there and… I’m kind of disappointed, Clint.”

    Matt Murdock, the only lawyer left in the Marvel Universe since She-Hulk’s still in a coma, points out there’s no evidence this conversation ever happened. But then Beast brings out a video diary where Banner was like “Yes, I should totally be dead and it should totally be at Clint’s hand.” Murdock didn’t have time to check this video out because, like I mentioned, he’s the only lawyer left in the Marvel Universe. Despite the fact he got disbarred a few years back? I don’t know, I’m still thinking about The Hulk’s black hole dick.

    Captain Marvel tells the court that The Avengers are still utilizing Ulysses’s power to great success. “Great success” in this case means that no Avengers have been killed or sent into comas so hey I guess Ulysses actually works? I know The Hulk’s narrative has been built around how he’s actually a nice guy trying to keep it in control but if Ulysses didn’t catch his future slip up he would’ve actually murdered everyone and turned the 616 into one of those “X vs. the Marvel Universe” miniseries. Still, Tony’s still pissed at Captain Marvel for being behind the two freak accidents that lead to the deaths of people he pretended to care about.

    Continued below

    I know we’re expecting a huge fight between Iron Man and Carol to close out the series, but I fully anticipate the ending just being a scene where Carol mutes Tony on Twitter.

    Hawkeye is found not guilty because of that video where Banner was like “Nah for real, Clint’s a homie for murdering me” which stresses Iron Man out further. Mary Jane Watson shows up with some info on Ulysse’s powers which is where we wrap up this issue. Check back in a few weeks form now when Iron Man blames Captain Marvel for the Ghostbusters reboot.


    //TAGS | The Multiversity Address

    James Johnston

    James Johnston is a grizzled post-millenial. Follow him on Twitter to challenge him to a fight.

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