Welcome to The Multiversity Address, Multiversity Comics’s recap series for Marvel’s “Civil War II.” After, Jess, Alice, and I died in the process of covering every single “Secret Wars” tie-in, we opted to just let me recap Marvel’s latest revival of a classic crossover. Obviously, we’ve got “Civil War II” spoilers from here on out.
Last time on “Civil War II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold”, a new Inhuman named Ulysses predicted that a Celestial would attack New York, but he was able to tell the Avengers and they stopped it just in time with minimal causalities. Then he predicted that Thanos was going to attack and that somehow ended up with War Machine getting punched through the heart and She-Hulk on death’s door. Whoops. Captain Marvel’s taking the brunt of the blame here since she and The Ultimates wanted to use Ulysses to prevent disasters from happening, not in order to get Don Cheadle killed. Iron Man’s upset by his by the death of his best friend and we’re somehow not going to mention that Carol Danvers was kind of seeing him. Honestly, if she can keep her cool about all this, so can Tony.
Anyway, “Civil War II” #2 starts with Tony not keeping his cool.
Fuck. This issue kicks off with Iron Man standing over Ulysses’s glistening sleeping body ready to… smother him I guess? Somehow that’s the best option here. Thankfully, Medusa stops Tony from doing something he might regret, which brings in the rest of the Inhumans, including Karnak. Because Karnak’s now being written by Warren Ellis, he’s suddenly become the biggest badass in the room and lunges right for Iron Man who explodes. No, Tony Stark didn’t die and save me from writing a couple more thousand words about this whole thing. He just sent in a decoy Doombot drone while he kidnapped Ulysses… even though he was clearly in the suit as pictured above. Did Tony Stark jump out of the suit, grabbed Ulysses and ran? Did he have a second Iron Man with him he could use as a decoy? Did Tony Stark watch over a sleeping teenager while he had a life-size model of himself wait in the corner? Tony Stark went from zero to sixty faster than that dude who drank from the wrong Holy Grail in Last Crusade.
Also Beast apparently works with the Inhumans? I’ll literally die before I bother looking up how that happened. All I know is that Iron Man checked off the “deranged character kidnaps plot device character so everyone else can argue about it” square of the Marvel crossover bingo card. For further reference, check out “Messiah Complex”, “Avengers vs. X-Men” and “AXIS”.
Anyway, the Inhumans show up to tear ass up at Stark Tower. They know Tony Stark’s not dumb enough to hide out in his tower but Karnak is still possessed by the spirit of Warren Ellis’s writing and just needs to kill things at the moment. Speaking of Karnak, he gets into a fight with Tony’s AI, Friday, and Human Torch gives us this bit of info.
… Johnny Storm just admitted he fucked the Baxter Building right? He was “married to one” so… did he take a miniature version of the Baxter Building and fuck it inside of the Baxter Building? I have absolutely no idea what Johnny’s actually referring to here so give your best shot at what he’s talking about in the comments section.
Captain Marvel shows up with the Avengers to confront the Inhumans and after some arguing they all go off to find Tony. At this point, I’m kind of wondering what the “Civil War” is actually referring to because it sure seems like everyone’s on the “Tony’s acting like a fucking maniac” right now side.
At Tony’s secret base, his interrogation of Ulysses is going swell.
I would’ve started by asking him who thought a name like Ulysses was a good idea, but I’ll let it slide. This dude’s best friend died and he’s going to remind you twenty times before Sunday. Tony pokes Ulysses a bunch in order to find out his power works but neither he nor Bendis really know. The Avengers and Inhumans find Tony’s hideout because he only hides in buildings with his name on them. Also, Tony makes a joke about Beast working with the Inhumans so I guess we have that in common. That and the crippling mental issues. Captain Marvel bursts in and the most baffling dialogue exchange of all time happens.
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Who the hell mentioned parcheesi in the first place? Was he trying to throw Carol off by making her Google parcheesi? I don’t know, I just wish Bendis would stop writing every single character as if they were a mix of Spider-Man and a note from the Zodiac Killer.
Before we can get some really Civil Warring, Ulysses has another vision.
Fun fact: that’s what I see when I close my eyes too.
Now knowing that Bruce Banner and his shadow cock are going to kill everyone Carol goes to visit Bruce Banner and… that’s it. Two issues down, however many more left to go. See you in a few weeks when Carol fights Bruce Banner and somehow gets War Machine killed again.
