Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
In the first issue of Aquaman, Geoff Johns asked the important questions, such as “Does Aquaman eat fish?” Why yes he does. The issue was basically a diss track against good old Mr. Curry, until Johns more or less responded with “Screw you, Aquaman is awesome” with some admittedly rad scenes. At the end of the issue, Arthur decided that he was going to reacquaint himself with the surface world alongside his wife. Next issue: something actually happens, and maybe we’ll even find out who those creepy guys from under the sea were!
The Mighty Thor #6 was… special. Basically, due to Loki hiding the Worldheart in Yggdrasil where no one – not even he – could find it, Galactus decided to peace out and leave Earth be. I think. Before that, the Destroyer Armor did… something weird, but I really have no clue what that was about and neither does anyone else I’ve talked to. The Silver Surfer wanted to stay behind, though, to make sure that Loki wasn’t lying (can you blame him?), and keep an eye on the Asgardians. Taking his place as Galactus’s Herald was the pastor that had been exchanging words with Volstagg earlier. After all, Galactus always needs a Herald, right?
…wait, what happened to Terrax?
Attilan! Fuck yeah! Well, it doesn’t quite fit into that tune, but the Inhumans put the smackdown on the Council of Reeds’ army in FF #9. Black Bolt is tired of this shit. Two of the Reeds were captured, which should have sent some major shivers down the “real” Reed’s spine. Does he have a spine? Anyway. While asses were being kicked, Dr. Doom took his own share after being betrayed by Diablo and the Mad Thinker. When he was confronted by the remaining evil Reed, though, he didn’t stand a chance. Now, while there’s only one evil Reed left, he has a Doom under his control due to the collar from earlier in Hickman’s run. That sentence represents why I will probably never give up superhero comics.
In Teen Titans #1, Bart’s lack of consideration for his speed and its repercussions caused a school in Westchester to explode in flames. I see what you did there, Lobdell (and so did a lot of other people, really). While Tim Drake was researching this, and other instances of teenage superheroics gone wrong – and teens are supposed to relate to this guy? – he was attacked by agents of N.O.W.H.E.R.E., those guys from Lobdell’s first issue of Superboy. After blowing up his own place to get away, The Swan Queen Red Robin found Cassandra Sandsmark before N.O.W.H.E.R.E. found her – barely. Wonder Girl – only, don’t call her that – brought down one of their helicopters, and so the shadowy agency sent the number one fear of any comic book character after the two: a clone! Not of one of those two, but, you know, screw clones.
Barry Allen stopped a group of terrorists from stealing a “portable genome recorder” at the beginning of The Flash #1, though not without avoiding spilled blood – one of the terrorists was an old friend of Barry’s from school. Bummer. Even more of a bummer? It looked to the public like the Flash killed him (on accident, but still). While trying to figure out what happened at home, Barry was approached by… Manuel? Whahuh? Following him were the terrorists from earlier, and so Barry and Manuel took off at a run, something Barry certainly isn’t used to. In order to slip into something more comfortable, Barry “tripped” into the river while on the run, emerging in costume. Real subtle. When he came out, though, he came face to face with… more Manuels? What did I say about clones?
Continued belowUltimates #2 was crazy. Crazy awesome. I’ll admit, I didn’t read the Ultimate Doomsday trilogy, so I’m not 100% sure on the goings-on, but here’s what I could figure out: that crazy Reed has created a dome where time goes faster than in the outside world, and has pretty much created life there. Enhanced it? Whatever, his specialized “children” are creepy as hell. After examining Thor mid-fight, the Ultimate Future Foundation/Children of the Vault went to Asgard and wreaked havoc. Thor got his son to be stowed away in the World Tree, along with Mjolnir, but pretty much everyone else related to Norse mythology died. It’s raining Asgardians!
Miles Morales had a brief crash course with his powers in Ultimate Comics: Spider-Man #2, learning that he had a sting ability that could also serve as a method of screwing up things that your friends build, and that his invisibility doesn’t work if he acts like he’s trying to drop a deuce. We also learned a bit more about his father’s bad blood with Miles’s uncle: apparently, the two were both thieves and criminals at one point, but while Mr. Morales shaped up, his uncle never did. We really got a lot of insight into Miles’ father with this scene, and you can bet that means he is going to end up dying horribly.
I guess I’m suffering from not reading the “Spider-Island” tie-ins. Apparently the big red and blue spider-henchman is Steve Rogers. Or, no, it’s actually Flash Thompson, disguised as a mutated Cap. Maybe my reading comprehension sucks and this was addressed a while ago, but… what? Anyway, in the rest of The Amazing Spider-Man #670, Peter quickly got over the trauma of his girlfriend and a major portion of New York City becoming giant spiders and made fun of JJJ for having spider-powers. Priorities, Pete. While Eddie Brock went on a crazy rant about healing everybody, only to find out that to do so he would have to give up being Anti-Venom, Jameson took Peter to a secret holding cell to ask Alistair Smythe some questions about pest control. While there, though, the Queen got into Jameson’s mind and made him kill Smythe. I don’t think he needed that much prompting, since he, you know, killed Marla.
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
