I bet you’re all excited that since Walt is currently bleeding from his mouth, he asked me, your humble guest columnist, to do his job for him! Whattaguy I am, right?
First, in Amazing Spider-Man, Spider-Island came to a close and the metaphoric can of RAID covered the island, ending the threat of giant man-spiders (at least until Peter has another mutative reaction to the spider-bite). All the heroes generally took it in stride, but the poor civilians, who are not used to, nor do they expect public nudity on a regular basis, are now scarred for life. How will they cope? Looks like Doc Samson has a few new clients! Peter spent the majority of the issue swinging around New York and getting in varying degrees of trouble, from getting dumped by his girlfriend to getting scolded by a Swayze’d Doctor Strange for being an idiot and sort of revealing his powers to everyone on national Television….AGAIN. He even upset a union worker by trying to help with the clean-up. GOD, unions…finally, Madame Web tells Peter things are going to get worse. In other news, Tony Stark likes an occasional drink.
Over on the other side of the country, the OldNew Mutants settled in San Francisco to show you what it’s like when mutants stop being polite, and start getting real. The team split up, since a $4 special splitting the team in a cave man battle wasn’t enough;, with some going to Westchester as well as staying behind in San Francisco, including a character named “Face.” Was “Rudolph the Red Faced Mutant” taken? It also makes you wonder that, post Children’s Crusade, why Dani Moonstar didn’t get her powers back, now that Rictor has his abilities to cause earthquakes again. Finally, it ends with the team getting sent on a mission to find someone who looks like Stacy X. Because you know, sending a team on a mission to recover an obscure Morlock with the ability to grow bones is just the thing the book needs.
Things aren’t quite a rosy for the X-Men book without any adjective in front of it (what’s up with that? No Amazing? No Awesome? No Mighty Morphin? Sucks) are halfway across the world trying to round up some wayward Sentinels and send them to the great Master Mold in the sky. It’s too bad James Rhodes AKA Rhodey AKA War Machine AKA Iron Man 2.0 AKA “my book just got canceled again” doesn’t want them to interfere on the world’s stage. Yes, because people who claim to be separate from the US will be completely willing to stop them. What dicks. Finally, Colossus is still bald due to the influence of Cyttorrak…I think. But it brings a whole new appreciation for the term “Chrome Dome.”
And since the West Coast X-Men didn’t have enough troubles, The Uncanny X-Men debuted as well, with that go to Cyclops enemy, Mr. Sinister. Looking as dapper (and mysteriously male) as he always does, he decided to fiddle with the dormant Celestial in Golden Gate Park. You know, the one SF hippies love to worship. Yeah, that one. He even went to far as to decapitate the most powerful being on the planet and remake the head in his own image. Cyclops’ newly formed “Extinction Team” decided to..erm…head…them off at the pass, which caused all sorts of destruction. Poor Emma tries to give Scott a hand and it cost her an arm. Namor was up to his normal caddish self, trying to hit on the closest blonde in the vicinity. One shouldn’t be surprised, as I think that’s his primary mutation. The book ends with The Museum of Fine Arts looking like it raining Dapper Men. They also took time to tell me I was wrong to think that the pink-skinned mutant in New Mutants was Stacy X. Instead it’s Blink. What can I say, all mutants look alike.
Continued belowOver on the DC side of things, Superman’s origin in Action Comics continues to go shall we say…swimmingly. A guy can’t save a kitten and a girl from getting hit by a freaking TRUCK without being treated like he was the 1% at an Occupy Wall Street Rally with the xenophobia of a Tea Party Rally. Oh Clark, you always were the great uniter! Turns out Clark isn’t so good at keeping his secret either, three issues in and his landlady knows he’s Superman. At least she was nice enough to hide his uniform from the authorities. What’s a little obstruction of Justice between landlord and tenant? We also caught a glimpse of the destruction of Krypton and it was…surprise! Brainiac! We think. It’s very possible at this point. Interestingly enough, Brainiac was instrumental in the creation of Metallo. So thanks for THAT. Jerk.
Meanwhile, the Justice League International have issues with some giant sentinels of their own scattered to the ends of the earth. Lots happened in this issue, from Fire and Vixen becoming new bffs to Rocket Red making thinly veiled boner jokes to Ice. I even learned more about the August General in Iron than I ever wanted to know. That armor of his? It’s not armor, he’s absolutely naked. THAT’S HIS SKIN. Meanwhile, I’m wondering if Skrulls or Changelings have made it to the DC Universe because Batman is not acting himself. The mere fact he’s encouraging Booster makes me have Secret Invasion Flashbacks. HELOVESYOUHELOVESYOUHELOVESYOU. I think I’m suffering from Post-Traumatic Event Disorder. This all culminated in a reveal of a character so heinous, so big, it made you sit up and exclaim…WHO?!
Animal Man continues to be really awesome, or so I’m told. It’s hard to follow when you get trapped by the “amazing” art. The Red wants to use his daughter as their Avatar. Or something, I’m just praying this doesn’t end like the MOVIE Avatar did.
From The Red to The Green, in Swamp Thing, Heather LocklearAbigail Arcane threatened to kill Alec, but since he was actually Swamp Thing, she decided not to. What a sweet gal. Instead, she enlisted Alec’s help to save her brother who’s apparently the Anti-Christ, or at least the Anti-Swamp Thing. Her brother, who has a severe allergy to everything in the world, is so sad, other children in the Children’s Ward threaten to kill them. Let it not be said that just because a kid has leukemia, they can’t be a total dick; because they can be. That being said, they were easily dispatched by the anti-Swamp Thing, and he even killed Doctor Cox! No more lady nicknames for Dr. Dorian! Turns out this little kid is kind of a dick too! To make matters worse, it looks like the Big Mouth Billy Bass is completely to blame for this. I never DID trust those things.
Over on the “I need to eat” side of things, Brian Wood continues his monumental work of mediocrity with Supernatural. Nothing like telling a story without one of the main characters in the canon, which takes away the best parts of the show: the most charismatic character, and the Wincest. Possibly the most unbelievable thing in a book about a guy traveling to Scotland to kill a ghost is the fact that he met a girl, made out with her, and she DIDN’T die. Also that girl was the same height as Sam “Moose” Winchester, or perhaps taller. That puts her at…6’5,” or the same height as most basketball players.
If you watched Supernatural, you’d understand.
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
