Want to keep up with the ever-advancing continuity porn of the DC and Marvel universes, but simply don’t have the time or money to buy every ongoing? We’re here to help. The Weekend Week In Review aims to give you ((usually) very) brief synopses of what happened in a select few of DC and Marvel’s titles – with a helping of sarcastic commentary – so that when some nasty old writer wants to punish you by heavily referencing a title you didn’t pick up, you won’t be left in the dark. Of course, that means that spoilers are in abundance after the cut, but I figure that you could figure that out.
Bearded people can’t be heroes. At least, that’s what Scarlet Spider #1 says to me. While in Texas, Kaine broke up what appeared to be a drug deal, but not out of any heroic drive. Man just needed some cash. After beating up the thugs, though, Kaine discovered that the deal wasn’t over drugs at all, but what appeared to be a collection of people who were cooked alive. After rushing the one surviver to the hospital – and beating up a cop while there – he went back to his place and cut off his beard. It wasn’t until then that he could do the whole hero thing and swing around in the sun and save little old ladies from being hit by cars. As a bearded american, I take offense to this. Comics need more bearded role-models. There’s a healthy dose of bearded creators, so why haven’t they fixed this? Still, it’s not like Kaine’s haircut made him any more polite.
After the transparent cliffhanger that ended last issue, Green Lantern #5 opened with an enraged Arsona using the ring Sinestro gave her against its creator, only to find out… it didn’t work. Just like we already knew, when Hal tried the same thing. But, hey, this isn’t a review column. Sinestro then convinced his deputized Lanterns to fight by is side this one time, but there was still one problem; that is, the whole, you know, being locked up thing. No problem, if you’re Space Hitler. From a distance, Sinestro just summoned his lantern to break down the door to the cells at ramming speed. Remember, kids, just because you can’t break out of something doesn’t mean it can’t be broken into. It’s the oldest trick in the book. Then about what you’d expect to happen… happened. Sinestro, Hal, and the Korugarans took the Sinestro Corps be surprise, Sinestro used his mustache powers to deactivate both the main battery and all of the corpsmen, and he acted wholly badass while doing it.
Even though he saved the planet, Sinestro was kicked off of Korugar, considering, you know, the whole Space Hitler thing. Dragging the power battery and the catatonic Sinestro Corps members back to Oa, Sinestro told Hal that even though he said he could have a ring, he never said anything about a battery, and sent him back to Earth. Punk’d! If you’ve read a Johns Green Lantern arc before, you already know how the story ended: Hal and Carol made up a bit, and the Guardians said something sinister.
Seriously, why has nobody figured out that these guys are the bad guys yet?
Still sore about his breakup with Carlie Cooper, Amazing Spider-Man #677 opened with Peter taking out his frustrations on some poor thug. I guess I can’t have too much sympathy for someone breaking into an apartment, though. While Peter was tying the guy up, Black Cat appeared, and so Peter tried to take advantage of his newfound singleness. The ensuing scene made me realize something reassuring: Even I have more game than Spider-Man. The two parted ways, and the camera parted with Peter, as we saw Felicia return to her apartment only to run into the cops. The next morning, Peter learned of Black Cat’s arrest, and – perhaps more importantly – the reason. Turns out she had robbed Horizon Labs of a prototype 4G hologram projector the night before, and forgot to cut the video feed. But wait a minute – Felicia was with Spidey the night before! Looking out for his friend, Peter tracked down an expert in super-powered law, Mr. Matthew Murdock, and the two began investigating. The things people will do to get with someone else.
Continued below
Geez, Spidey, I understand that you’re cranky about your breakup still, but that’s just rude. While looking for the man who created the hologram projector, the found him being held hostage at an entrance to the sewer – or at least, it seemed that way to Pete, but Daredevil’s radar sense revealed that there was actually no one there. How handy! The duo crawled into the sewer, but within minutes it was crumbling about them, and in his effort to escape, Peter grabbed a live electrical wire, as an escaped Felicia made her entrance. Here is your obligatory black cat crossing your path reference.
Ultimate X-Men #6 revealed that Stryker was healing mutants by via his connection with technology, since the mutant gene was mechanically engineered. Oh, comics science, you’re so silly. Also, due to Stryker dying after taking over the Nimrods, which in turn happened before they were given the Cerebra technology, the entire Nimrod fleet was left with the single command of destroying all mutants and the ability to locate any mutant, wherever they might be. Maybe killing Stryker wasn’t the best option after all. Luckily, Kitty was able to get a hold of everybody else, including the mutant kids Stryker was going to slaughter, Yost style, and phase everybody long enough for the Nimrods to lose interest and find other mutants to kill. Nice going, Kitty. The group returned to their sewer abode, and as Kitty argued with Rogue for betraying them – though Rogue insisted she was trying to get close to Stryker in order to bring him down – a glowing Xorn-like head appeared and spouted some gibberish about coming to Tian to escape persecution. Apparently I should have read Ultimate Hawkeye. Pressed by Kitty to reveal who really has been feeding her information, Rogue flashed back to a meeting with the surprisingly not dead Xavier. I’ll be honest, I didn’t even know he was dead. Apparently I should have read Ultimatum.
Okay, no I shouldn’t have.
Anything that we didn’t get to that you’re interested in? Email me at the link below! This also applies for if you read something that we didn’t and want to share it with others, as I, too, have only so much money and time to spend on comics. Don’t worry, I’ll give you credit.
